life from 5 feet

the green eyed monster

2012-02-07T11:04:00.001-05:00

Source: Uploaded by user via Jessica on Pinterest

do you ever turn into the green eyed monster? with envy shooting out your eyeballs? i hate to admit that i am not immune to envy. [wouldn't it be nice if they could come up with a vaccine for it? i would pay big bucks for that...]

bearing up under any burden is much more admirable when you do it without batting an eyelash. when you accept what has been given you, and just keep pressing on and pushing through. at the very worst you get a little bit upset about the situation you find yourself in sometimes, but that's as bad as it gets. wanting what someone else has, and what they get so easily is absolutely unacceptable - even if you have wanted it far longer. even if your wanting it has nothing to do with them having it.

even if you would cut off your arm to get it.

unfortunately, i alternate between bearing up under the burden, and a raging jealousy of those who don't have to bear up under the same burden.
i'll let you guess which one i spend more time with.

everyone is broken one way or another. we live in a hurting and broken world. yet, i cannot tell you how many times i've wished for a different struggle. i think that's probably true no matter what your struggle is. we always think the grass is greener on the other side, even if the "greener" grass is only slightly less brown than our own.

we like to think we can control our own destiny. and in some senses we can. we make a lot of choices, and choices have consequences - both good and bad. but in other ways we have zero control.

many people wind up with some kind of health problem due to things completely outside of their own control. some people wind up where they never thought they'd be because of an accident. or because they had a genetic proclivity for something or other.

accidents happen. cancer happens. undeserved job loss happens. heart attacks happen. mental illness happens. infertility happens. __it happens. all the time. to everyone. no one is immune.

and that sucks. it sucks that we all deal with crap. and that sometimes the silver lining is just grey. the clouds in the sky are just full of rain, and what lights them up is less of the sun shining through, and more of a lightning strike.

but the thing is, hope dies last.

we continue to hope even when we've lost hope. even when everything we show to the world masks that fact. sometimes you want to talk yourself out of hoping. sometimes it'd be easier that way. hope isn't practical. but it still dies last. instinctively.

yes, sometimes i need to let something go, and go on with my life. even if i don't want to. even if i don't want to believe that i will never give birth to a child... in this case i have to accept the hand i'm dealt. i cannot control the situation.

but it also goes to show that we all need redemption. and we need each other. we are all hurting and broken. we all need support. we're all weak and hurting sometimes. we all have days when the only thing on the to do list is to stay alive.

it doesn't matter what a life looks like from the outside. we all struggle.
period.

sometimes the green eyed monster gets the best of you. sometimes life is hard.

but hope dies last.

hello february!

2012-02-01T10:21:00.000-05:00

how are you on this first day of february? did january fly by you too? [like airplanes in the night sky?]

Source: Uploaded by user via Kate on Pinterest

since february is upon us i decided to do a quick look back at the goals i set in january, and see how they're coming along.

1. get better at getting up early. well, i'm doing better than i was, but still don't like it. it still takes me a while to wake up, and far too often all i want to do is hit snooze and go back to sleep.

progress? ✓ completed? ✕

Source: honeybeeinthecity.blogspot.com via Tiffany on Pinterest

2. read a book a month. first up is: soccernomics. obviously this cannot be completed in a month, but i'm on my way! next up? the handmade marketplace.

progress? ✓ completed? ✕

via karichapin.com

3. run a marathon. completed? ✓

4. launch my business. completed? ✓

turquoiseandplum.com

5. do everything in my power to move the adoption process forward. it's hard to say with this one. so much has completely changed...

progress? ✓* completed? ✕ ✕

Source: jesustotheworld.tumblr.com via Kate on Pinterest

6. enjoy the everyday. i am failing miserably when it comes to this one.

progress? ✕ completed? ✕ ✕

Source: google.com via Kristin on Pinterest

7. enjoy exercise. slowly, but surely. i'd like it to be more consistent, but we're getting there.

progress? ✓ completed? ✕

Source: google.com via Shannon on Pinterest

how was your january?

are you making progress?

for someday.

2012-01-31T11:40:00.001-05:00

a couple of weeks ago i found out that another blogger i follow is prego. and since then she has written a few letters to her baby, and plans on continually writing letters [at least] until the little munchkin is born. it got me thinking about what a great idea that is - to write letters to your unborn child.

of course, i subsequently got a little depressed at the prospect of never getting to write letters to the unborn child somersaulting about in my body. but then i thought - why not write them anyway? no matter who births our children our babies will know that we have been thinking about them, and planning for them for a very long time.

i have no idea what the adoption process will look like for us. just a few weeks ago i thought we would be in a very different place than we actually are on this last day of january. by the time we actually bring a child home i may have a few years worth of letters to him/her. i don't know what will happen. but i have decided to write him/her anyway...

Source: flickr.com via Kate on Pinterest

to our dearest little one,

i don't know you yet. i haven't even heard news of your existence. at this point i have no idea who you are, or if your birthmother-to-be is even expecting you. i do know, that i'm anxious to meet you, and i'm hoping, with a cautious hope, that it won't be too long before that happens.

we've been waiting for you for a long time. your daddy and i have prayed for you time and time and time again. we already know - even without knowing anything else - what a huge blessing you will be, and that we are going to love you with more love than we ever thought possible. you will have so many people who love you. so many people surrounding you who will want to spoil you rotten. but your daddy won't let them. he'll reason with them, and rationalize with them, and ask them to donate to your college fund instead. that way you'll be spoiled with education, which [i hate to tell you] is more important than toys anyway.

your daddy is the best guy you'll ever know. i promise. despite the fact that he will purposefully embarrass you as a teenager, and won't let you get away with irrational arguments. he'll read you fairy tales as a toddler and jokingly tell you something crazy like: the moral of sleeping beauty is that boys should kiss sleeping girls. but more importantly, he will always want what is best for you. we both will.

and i hope that somehow you'll end up with the best parts of both of us.

i can't wait to watch you learn and grow, and to become the person God created you to be. i wonder who you'll be. i wonder how old you'll be for your first christmas. i wonder what sport you'll favor. will all of the time you'll inevitably spend around a soccer field as a child make you fall in love with it? or will you decide on something else? will you be a picky eater, or love all kinds of food? will you be a lefty like your grandpas, and your cousin? will you be a whirlwind of activity, or a calm child?

i can't wait to know you're coming. i can't wait to know you. i can't wait to rock you to sleep at night - or walk laps around the house if that's what it takes. i can't wait to wrap you up in your blanket and kiss your little baby cheeks. i can't wait to have all kinds of adventures with you. i can't wait to meet your courageous, expectant, birthmother-to-be.

i just can't wait.

i love you to pieces already.

Source: etsy.com via Kate on Pinterest

love,

your mama

the golden age

2012-01-28T11:02:00.001-05:00

last night peter and i stayed up late and watched midnight in paris. i had wanted to see it since it came to theaters, but peter flatly refuses to watch chick flicks if there is another movie we both want to see. i got so excited when i realized red box had it that it would have seemed almost cruel if he insisted upon something else. almost. but peter, being who he is, didn't even look at anything else, he just rented it.

via imdb

have you seen it? you should. especially if you have ever thought about the wonder that must have encapsulated paris in the midst of the jazz age. can you imagine? expatriates flooding paris, artists and writers meeting and befriending one another while walking along the seine. the feeling of awe that must have permeated all such parties where household names showed up one after another. artists living in the tension of friendship, mutual admiration, and fierce competitive envy of the other artists surrounding them...

better yet, read hemingway's "a moveable feast" and then watch midnight in paris.
no, seriously.

the thing is they didn't realize that they lived in the golden age. to them it was all normal. it was just how life was. do you think hemingway thought it strange to rub shoulders with fitzgerald? or to visit with gertrude stein? even if he did at first [which i can hardly believe] after a while i'm sure it was simply expected. after a while people stop being anything besides people. we come to realize that friends and celebrities, innovators and artists, the unemployed, the failed-at-whatever-they-tried, the geniuses and the not-so-much -- we're all kind of the same. we're all people with strengths and weaknesses. with flaws and redeeming values. we come to realize that our own best qualities can turn on a dime into our worst, and that is true of others as well, regardless of name or standing.

it's easy to form an opinion now about the eras that have been given a title posthumously. we know what we know now. we know how many of the artists and writers floating around 1920s paris have lived well beyond their years in the works they created. but back then it was just normal.

and normal can be unnerving and a little dull when you don't know that you're living in what will come to be called the golden age.

i don't think most golden ages of anything are known as such in the midst of them. i think the golden tint is added to later memories about how amazing it would be for us to go back to then knowing what we know now. and yet, how soon would it become normal? how quickly would we realize that the golden tint we thrust upon a decade or an era goes away as quickly as the sun sets over paris?

some times are undeniably harder than others. undeniably. yet too often, no matter what time we're living in, we see other grass as being greener, and other lifetimes more golden.

the legacy of a time is due in large part to the people who make it up. if all i ever do is wish for something else it'll be a lot harder to impact where i am right now.

maybe what we're living in right now

will be remembered

by our great-great grandchildren

as the golden age.

of course, i'd still love to see

paris in the 1920s.

*wink*

thursday morning confessions

2012-01-26T11:55:00.000-05:00

confession #1: i have been trying to write this post for two days. well, not this post exactly, but a post. i just couldn't figure out what i wanted to say.

confession #2: life is hard right now. i don't know which steps to take next. i don't know what makes the most sense. i just don't know. things haven't turned out like i thought they would. though i'm guessing most people would say that -- our best laid plans fail us. constantly.

confession #3: i hate posting too many sad things in a row. and i'm stuck between trying to be open and vulnerable, and depressing the heck out of both of us.

confession #4: i'm not a patient person unless i'm expecting to need patience in a certain situation. i'm fine with sitting in traffic, or waiting in a long line if i expected the waiting coming into it. if not, well, let's just say i turn into a not-nice person.

confession #5: i miss winter. some people hate winter. i love it. and i miss it.

confession #6: i enjoy playing devil's advocate. and in some situations [read: more than i would like to admit] i like making people feel a little awkward.

confession #7: to paraphrase a quote i heard once -- i thoroughly enjoy learning, but i don't always like being taught.
and there are certain things i wish i didn't have to learn. right now, i'm learning about patience. and strength. and my own poor perspective. about my own false judgments, and incomplete understanding.
i'm learning many things that i didn't think i would ever have to know.
but i am learning. and i suppose that's something.

confession #last: i have a bit of an addiction to shopping. these are all on my wish list right now...

via target

via piperlime

via apple

via target

via piperlime

via target

your turn.

vulnerability

2012-01-21T13:58:00.000-05:00

the theme of vulnerability has come up a lot recently - in totally unrelated venues. it has just been rolling around in my head. i'm not quite sure what to do with it.

there are a lot of simple, yet complex things in the world. vulnerability is one of those things. people want real, authentic relationships. people want to have other people to count on. people want to trust other people to have their back.

the only way to build trust is to be authentic and vulnerable. but it's so paradoxical. you trust someone with something almost as a test, because we all need people we can trust. and if that person lets you down you know you cannot trust them anymore, but you also wish you hadn't trusted them to begin with, and you'll be less likely to trust someone else as readily the next time around.

it's really easy to say that we all, individually, need to be authentic, and open, and vulnerable. it's a simple concept. be the type of friend to others that you want to have yourself. and yet, it's so very hard. because we are all imperfect humans. we all make mistakes. we all hurt others at one point or another. and we are all hurting and broken in our own right.

i think part of the reason why i'm feeling a bit vulnerable and uncomfortable lately is because i don't like to fail. [i don't know anyone who likes to fail, but the previous statement is true, nonetheless...] failing at something - especially something big - makes me feel like a failure far too often. and now, i've gone out on a limb and started my own business. and it's scary.

many times a day i think -- what the what did i just do? it's a risk. a big risk. especially for someone who likes a "sure thing." for someone who doesn't like to fail. who knows what will happen? who knows? i could do everything right and fall flat on my face, or do everything wrong, and somehow end up on top. it's all so crazy.

i like being in control of what happens, but much of the time "control" is a façade. what am i in control of, really? i've failed so many times that i'm afraid someone is going to out me as an impostor sometime soon. i don't know how to do life. no more than anyone else.

many things have let me down in life. people too. i let myself down constantly. life is hard. and frustrating. and fantastic. and beautiful. all at once.

we have all of these aphorisms to try and explain life. pat answers that we keep coming back to. but at the end of the day i think we're all pretty scared. scared of our own demons. we all know that in some part of our own life we don't measure up. we're scared that someone else is going to figure it out, and we'll be screwed.

it's hard to keep going. to admit mistakes. to admit failure. to admit i'm not who i want to be. that i'm not the person i wish i was.

we are all hurting and broken people. we all need redemption. but are we willing to risk? to put it out there? to be vulnerable enough to admit the truth in our own lives?

i heard a quote once that goes like this: "if you don't invest very much then losing doesn't hurt very much, but winning isn't very exciting."

obviously it's talking about sports, but it's true in life. if you don't invest in relationships, in people, and places, and life, then you're just kind of there. not really feeling anything. safe. boring. with no adventures to recount.

a ship in the harbor is safe,

but that is not what ships are built for.

life is hard. things don't work out how you thought.

but this too shall pass.

all of these things have me lost in thought, and i don't really have any answers. i'm still trying to figure things out. and i will probably be in that boat for the rest of my life. but in the midst of it, here are two songs i've been listening to on repeat -- one video is just the music, the other is an actual music video.

shall we opt for bravery?

for risk? for adventure?

3...2...1... turquoise & plum!!

2012-01-18T13:16:00.000-05:00

personally i've never been to a rocket launch, but i love the build-up of a countdown.

for me, the countdown for turquoise & plum started around 300 - with each number representing a day. and yesterday it happened. yesterday the first five pieces went up for sale! yesterday, we officially launched the site!! and i've been freaking out a little bit ever since if you want to know the truth.

i'm super excited for this adventure, but i'm also so so nervous. peter is absolutely convinced it'll succeed, but i keep thinking about how many small businesses fail. and then i quickly banish said thoughts from my mind and try to think positive. [it works about 50 percent of the time.]

turquoise & plum

i absolutely adore all of the pieces in my shop. otherwise, i wouldn't sell them! but, i think my favorite part of it is the blog. there is a blog post to go along with each one of the pieces with a few pictures of one or more outfits i put together with that piece, and do's & don'ts about how to wear it.

turquoise & plum

people ask me all the time about jewelry/accessories/clothes/etc. that i'm wearing, and far too often i hear women tell me that they don't know how to wear something, or would never be able to pull an outfit off. there are things that each one of us cannot pull off because we shouldn't try to pull it off. some looks are just bad, and should not be attempted. some looks are fabulous on waif-thin models who also happen to be 6 feet tall. i am not 6 feet tall. thus, if i try to wear something that only looks good on a tall person i will look like a stumpy, disproportional person.

that said, there are times when women say they couldn't pull off an outfit, and what they're actually saying is that they would not be comfortable enough in their own skin in that outfit -- she'd be too self-conscious, and lack confidence because she wasn't 100% positive that she looked great.

turquoise & plum

confidence goes a long way. sometimes i'm a little bit unsure of something, and i change. other times i'm unsure of what other people will think of an outfit, but i look in the mirror and say, screw it, i like it. often, those outfits are the ones on which i get the most compliments.

every person can look great in clothes. and every person will have clothes that, given his/her body type, he/she shouldn't wear. period.

turquoise & plum

jewelry is one of those things though, that with few exceptions, anyone can wear. it's just a matter of what you pair with it.

that said, if you want to check out the shop, here's the link: www.turquoiseandplum.com.

turquoise & plum

happy wednesday!

running a marathon

2012-01-16T11:49:00.000-05:00

it's just starting to sink in that my marathon is over. that i ran it. that i can cross it off of my bucket list.

not running today is definitely strange after 18 weeks of running 4 or 5 days a week. however, i'm getting ever closer to walking like a human being instead of a penguin, which is what i resembled for the past two days. [seriously.]

my official chip time was 3:31:03. for the first 20 miles i thought i might be able to break 3:30, but the last six just about wrecked me. i'm absolutely not complaining though - i had zero energy left at the end. i know i couldn't have gone a single second faster, and that's what it's all about. leaving it all out there on the course.

here's me a couple minutes after -- about ready to pass out!

i officially qualified for the boston marathon, but i'm not sure i'll be up for running it, even if i applied and got accepted. still, for my first marathon, i'll take it.

i'm glad i did it. glad i ran it. glad i pushed myself farther than i have before. and right now, i'm glad it's over! i don't know that i'll ever be a perpetual marathoner. i may run another one sometime, but for now i'm going to rest for a while. rest knowing that there are other things on my bucket list waiting to be crossed off.

rest knowing, without a shadow of a doubt, that i can do another one if i want to, because i've done it.

i told peter that i plan to go out and get a 26.2 magnet or sticker for my car now. i ran it. i did it. i earned it. accomplishing something you've been wanting to accomplish for about 20 years has a way of being that much sweeter when it happens.

bucket list:

love my husband every day of our lives

have a child

adopt a child

raise children who love God

see the grand canyon

visit asia, africa, south america & australia

visit england, ireland & scotland

~~run a marathon~~

ski in the alps

~~coach soccer~~

~~kayak on the ocean~~

go to a world cup soccer game

go back to school

learn french

never lose touch with family or good friends

26.2 baby!

26.2

t-minus 1 day. then 3 more.

2012-01-13T11:24:00.004-05:00

so, this upcoming week is kind of a big week. between a week ago yesterday, and today a whole bunch of stuff essentially fell apart. and between today, and next wednesday i'm aiming to have accomplished two big time goals.

one day from now - as long as nothing crazy happens - i'll have almost finished my first marathon.
three days after that - i'll be launching my business.

t-minus 1 day. then 3 more.

life comes at you fast, and the past months have been no exception. we're processing so much right now. we're trying to simultaneously move several things forward without collapsing in upon ourselves.

yesterday i was working on a few business things when i realized that we are leaving for charleston today. and i hadn't seen fit to work packing into my schedule. so i dropped everything and wrote out my list. this involved phone calls, and checking weather.com a few times. i wrote everything down - from my breakfast food to bobby pins - in hopes that i won't forget anything at all. for the past 24 hours i've been oscillating between excited and nervous. back and forth continuously feeling one or the other.

today i need to finish putting everything into a bag, go for a very very short - shake the legs out - jog, leave a note for our dog-sitter, and possibly take a little nap before jumping in the car to head down to charleston later this afternoon.

these will be my mantras tomorrow:

Source: wanttobehealthynhappy.tumblr.com via Kate on Pinterest

Source: team-sparkle.com via Kate on Pinterest

i'll stop when i cross the finish line.

if you think of me tomorrow morning,

please say a prayer :o)

happy weekend!

adoption update: back to square one

2012-01-09T15:55:00.000-05:00

well. hmm. quite a lot has happened since my last post. some of it i can tell you about, and some of it i can't.

suffice it to say this weekend was extremely rough. so rough, in fact, that while it was not the worst week of my life, it would probably make the top 5.

so. here's what i can tell you. [this part makes up about 1/3 of the rough patch...]

yesterday, as i was looking through the packet the adoption agency sent to us, i reviewed a bunch of the information and was preparing to complete the already-started application and put it in the mail.

and then, as i reviewed some of the information something stood out to me that we had apparently somehow missed before.

but for this we have to back up and fill you in on something...

if you've been reading long you know that peter and i decided to primarily look into adopting from ethiopia. however, due to the possible changes to the adoption laws, and the shutting down of some orphanages, and a few other things, adopting from ethiopia has recently become a much longer, and more uncertain process. in short, the estimated wait time for ethiopia is currently at 3+ years.

so, we were looking at starting the process in two countries simultaneously - which was possible to do with the agency we chose. and as we looked over the information on their website we decided that we would probably start the ethiopia program, and the taiwan program.

the agency works with many countries, but there were a couple we weren't interested in, a bunch whose wait times were very very long, and a couple that we didn't qualify for due to our age.

we chose taiwan because the average wait times were less than any of the other countries, there didn't seem to be as much changing within their adoption program, and it was possible to get an infant.

ok. all caught up.

so what had we missed? well apparently, both parents have to be 30 in order to adopt from taiwan too. and any other country we could adopt an infant from had a wait time similar to that of ethiopia.

three years is a heck of a long time to wait when you've already waited three years. it's a heck of a long time to wait, period. especially since the process of having a child is supposed to take about 9 months.

anyway, we basically decided that if we want to have any hope of having a child before we're both 30 -- a tough pill to swallow since we were originally hoping to be done having kids by the time we were both 30 -- we don't have much choice but to look into domestic adoption.

and since our agency works exclusively with children in foster care in the US, which makes it almost impossible to get an infant, we have to start over from square one.

it's times like this when i wonder if the whole "some way, somehow" thing is actually true. the past couple of days have been awash with pain and tears and frustration. which, i can tell you, is not a fun way to spend a weekend.

i hope you had a

better weekend

than i did!

autobiography via home

2012-01-05T19:53:00.001-05:00

today turned out to be a ridiculously huge blessing. i got a late start, and as my previous post mentioned, i wanted to do nothing but sit, read, and write today. preferably amidst hot drinks and blankets.

this morning i didn't think that was in the cards for today. i had too many things on my to do list, and one of which i was sure would take up the entire afternoon.

upon further investigation that one thing took all of about 30 minutes, and the majority of the rest of my to dos had to wait until peter got home from work. so, i got a solid two and a half hours of relaxing, accompanied by afternoon coffee, a blanket, anthology magazine's fall 2011 issue, and bon iver and canon blue as my background soundtrack. it was beyond spectacular.

Source: anthologymag.com via Kate on Pinterest

one of anthology's articles included a tour of lance dewalt's home in philadelphia. in one quote from lance he says that he shops and sets up his home to be a kind of autobiography.

i absolutely love this idea. in a way it's something that i've thought for the past five or six years [since i've been setting up my own home in a non-dorm-room venue] without articulating it that way. i want my home to reflect who i am, and who we are as a couple. and eventually, who we are as a family.

i think of home as simply an extension of self. i'm not one of those people who ascribes to a certain type of decor, but instead i want my house to reflect the things i like and enjoy. if i really like something i'll find a way to incorporate it into our home. other people may not like it, but they don't live here, so i'm okay with that.

it's also how i tend to think of fashion and style. my style is an extension of me, of who i am, and who i portray to the rest of the world. it may be the only impression i ever make on some people. thus, i'd like it to be accurate.

in addition to all of that, anthology's issue also reminded me of my love for travel. i've officially added stockholm to my list now, and i can't wait for our next big trip somewhere. my best guess is that any extra money we have between now and adopting will go straight into the adoption fund, so that next big trip will probably take us to ethiopia or taiwan. or some other country if everything changes completely.

Source: beautifulplacestovisit.com via Kelly on Pinterest

Source: google.com via Summer on Pinterest

and everything may change completely.

soaking in the silence

2012-01-05T11:36:00.000-05:00

i've been sitting quietly, taking it all in this morning. the heat register kicks on intermittently. the refrigerator has a louder than normal hum. the hammers in the distance nail a on a new roof somewhere. occasionally bexley whines to go outside, or to come inside. outside of that it's nothing but quiet.

nothing but me and my thoughts.

i have nowhere to go today, but plenty to do. and truth be told, i don't feel like doing some of it. i've been pretty tired over the past few days, and trying to fight off a cold which is taking a big chunk of my energy. i feel like hunkering down with hot drink after hot drink, and just writing, writing, writing.

not because i have anything important to say, but because it's just one of those days.

it's clear and cool outside. it's quiet and cozy inside. and pajamas and blankets are beckoning me with all their might.

it's one of those days when, as kids, my brother and i would have built a fort in the living room from blankets, pillows, and an overturned rocking chair. the perfect "snow day" day with the one huge exception of the snow.

one of these days i will have to plan a "do nothing at home, completely relaxed, no agenda day." the fact that i'll have to plan it should be telling enough...

anyway, as much as i'd love for today to be that day, it's not. instead, here are some cheery pictures to help you feel like it's a fabulous snow day no matter where you are in the world.

Source: Uploaded by user via Francesca on Pinterest

Source: ffffound.com via Yodel on Pinterest

Source: imgfave.com via Corinne on Pinterest

Source: Uploaded by user via Aaliya on Pinterest

Source: ffffound.com via Vanya on Pinterest

it's almost friday!

new year's analysis

2012-01-04T13:33:00.000-05:00

how was your christmas? and your new year celebration? did you celebrate? sing auld lang syne and everything?

we had a great time visiting with family and friends over the past week and a half. we spent christmas eve and christmas day mostly with peter's family, and then the 27th through yesterday up in pittsburgh, and ohio visiting my family and some mutual friends from college.

it was harried and crazy, but we expect nothing less from our christmas trip north, so it wasn't anything new. we did manage to connect with more friends than usual which was a major plus for this trip.

anyway, given all the driving we did it gave me a lot of time to think. i have been contemplating 2012 a lot over the past few days. i'm sure many of you have too. i've gone back and forth on a lot of things.

first i thought i wouldn't make any resolutions at all. even goals may have been too strong a word. this is mostly because i'm in really good shape right now - training for a marathon and all - and i'm eating pretty well due to necessity of good fuel that comes with the training. and while i'd love to make it a resolution/goal to have a child in 2012 that is entirely outside of my control, and thus seems a silly thing to "resolve".

many times i've tried to make resolutions in the middle of the year because it seemed silly to need a new month or a new year to resolve to do something.

i digress.

after analyzing the past year, and life, and what my hopes are for the new year, i decided i would like to set some goals. so here are a few of the things i've been thinking. and as is the case with any good policy - the terms and conditions are subject to change...

1. get better at getting up early. i'm a pretty horrible person to be around first thing in the morning. and while i'm not going to set a goal to become a morning person, i would like to be less of a bear in the morning, and a little more like myself.

2. read a book a month. i enjoy reading. i pretty much always have, and thus i read new books regularly. that said, there are more than a few books that have been hanging out on my bookshelves for a few years now, and i just haven't gotten around to them. so, i want to start actually reading them without forcing myself to be terribly rushed. first up is: soccernomics. it's a book i started last year whilst in the midst of another one, but finished the other one and never returned to it.

3. run a marathon. i'm sure this is no surprise to you given that i'm currently in my final two weeks of training, and have mentioned it many times over the past few months. however, it's something that has been on my bucket list since my dad completed his first one when i was about 7 years old, so i had to include it.

4. launch my business. we're so so close to finally launching. this should happen in the next couple weeks, and i'm super excited!

5. do everything in my power to move the adoption process forward. this is a tough one since there is so much that is outside of our control. so i want to make sure i take care of those things that we can control as quickly and completely as possible.

6. enjoy the everyday. sometimes [read: usually] i get caught up in waiting for something big and fabulous and i miss the little things i could appreciate in day to day life. i want to get better at recognizing the everyday blessings, and enjoying the everyday things.

7. enjoy exercise. after my marathon i plan to take a week or so off. then i'd really like to get into the habit of exercising not as a chore, or an obligation, but finding fun ways to exercise from day to day and week to week. i enjoy running, but i'm getting a little burnt out after months of training. so, i'm planning on getting back into yoga, playing soccer, playing tennis, jumping rope, doing pilates, and whatever else i find to do with myself.

do you have big plans for 2012?
what would you like this year to hold?

Source: brentfosterphotography.com via Jeanne on Pinterest

happy 2012!

merry christmas eve eve

2011-12-23T11:29:00.000-05:00

this year marks a new record for us. it's the sixth christmas we've had since we got married, and the first time that all of our presents are wrapped and under the tree before christmas eve. peter normally has shopping left to do up until about today -- sometimes tomorrow, and doesn't finish wrapping all of the gifts he's responsible for until after we get back from our christmas eve dinner.

this year [with many thanks to amazon] he finished wrapping everything last night. so, i've determined that we'll be driving around to look at christmas lights after dinner tonight instead of doing a last minute scramble to make sure we have sufficient gifts for everyone.

we have just a few things to do tomorrow. namely, i have twenty miles to run. it's my last truly long run before my marathon, and before i get to start tapering. in truth, i'll be very excited when it's over, and i can look forward to the actual event!

i hope wherever you find yourself today [hopefully not at a mall!] you are thankful for this season of christmas. you are thankful for whatever blessings you have in your life - even if you're not where you thought you'd be.

you want to know what i'm thankful for?

the best hubby ever!

merry merry christmas :o)

some way, somehow

2011-12-21T20:59:00.000-05:00

i realized today that i haven't written much about our adoption process over the past few weeks. that is mostly because we've been doing nothing but researching agencies for the past few weeks, and there wasn't a whole lot to tell. there still isn't much to tell. we did pick an agency, but we're still in the process of filling out the initial paper work.

anyway, for a considerable portion of those weeks i was largely frustrated. international adoption has been somewhat under siege around the world, for various reasons. and at times, i saw my dream of having children - ever - slipping further and further away. it's like some kind of cruel cosmic joke. i always wanted to be done having kids by the time i'm thirty. at this rate, we'll be lucky to have any, and in all likelihood i won't ever give birth to any.

some days it's a really tough pill to swallow. most days, actually. especially when there are a million and a half people all around me shooting out babies. and according to the doctors there is no reason they can give us that we can't have kids.

that's just how it is.

but then i realized something. it was like a light bulb going off - a real epiphany. i realized that somehow, some way, eventually, we will have kids.

somehow, some way, sometime, some day.

it will happen.

i'd be lying through my keyboard if i said i don't pray every single day for it to happen immediately. three years has felt like an absolute eternity, and i have no doubt that an additional 2 or 3 or 4 will, on certain days, feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. but i have to believe that it will happen.

i have to believe that God is not so cruel as to put a desire for motherhood in me that is as strong as it is, and never bless us with children. our babies probably won't be the same race, or ethnicity, or background as us, or as each other, but they will be our babies.

even now it doesn't make sense to me. i'd love to have both biological, and adopted children. but as far as we know, that's not what will happen.

i bought this blanket today. i realized that the very very few [read: two] outfits we have from when we lost the baby are both newborn outfits that any child we bring home will not fit into. we don't know how old our little boy will be when we bring him home, and thus there is no point in purchasing any clothing with any kind of hopeful expectation of what's to come. but i saw this blanket at target today, and i thought -- even if he's two or something, he'll still be able to use a blanket.

in a weird sort of way it's like my physical reminder that it will happen eventually. some way, somehow.

some day.

just because

2011-12-18T22:54:00.000-05:00

it seems like i should write right now. we have a fire in the fireplace, the christmas lights are on both inside and out, and the remnants of a big family dinner still remain on the table. it smells like "christmas cookie" thanks to my yankee candle, and all the presents are wrapped and under the tree [except for the three that should arrive tomorrow or tuesday at the latest!]. it's finally finally finally starting to feel a bit more like christmas. like, maybe i can relax a little bit and enjoy it for a while. maybe.

i've figured out a few things over the course of the past few days. some that i already knew, and some that didn't occur to me ever before. one reminder was how anxious i can get if things aren't finished. i can't fully relax. even if i "should" for all intents and purposes. now, however, with the presents wrapped, and the family dinner served, and many of the plans planned, now i can enjoy the cozy fire, under a blanket, with winking lights all around me.

i think that's part of what i miss about christmas now. christmas break used to be a full break. break from school. sleeping in. less responsibility to worry about, and more relaxing. i'm hoping now -- for the next couple of weeks -- it will be a nice, relaxing, enjoyable, and somewhat productive time. there are a lot of things going on in the world today. there are a lot of things going on in my world.

some are good. some, not so good. but for now, i'm going to try to focus on the good. that's my christmas resolution. [why wait til new year's?] i want to focus on the good.

what do you want this christmas? not want you want to find under the tree, but the intangible things that make a huge difference. what changes are you willing to make in your own life?

i need to answer that myself.

let's focus on the good, shall we?

good morning, sunday!

2011-12-18T09:30:00.000-05:00

just a quick note to say good morning! the christmas crazy has fully set in around here, and coupling that with all the running i've been doing to try to prep for a marathon in 4 weeks has sent things over the brink!

sadly, my poor little blogger has been neglected whilst i try to get everything else accomplished. but what better day than sunday to pause?

pause.

Source: bippityboppityboo.tumblr.com via Kate on Pinterest

don't miss what today has for you!

because this is the day that the Lord has made.
let us rejoice

and be glad in it!

peace on earth

2011-12-13T16:19:00.000-05:00

we are all hurting and broken people. i've been reminded of this a lot over the past couple days. this time of year the familiar phrase rings out: "peace on earth, goodwill toward men." and yet we are so very far from peace on earth. and despite our bias toward ourselves to believe that each of us, individually, can in fact have goodwill toward men, we don't. not toward all men. not toward every tongue, tribe, and nation.

i bet that every single one of us could stop and think of someone whom we wish ill toward - whether it's based on political beliefs, social status, race, gender, ethnicity, religion, or any other thing - even an entirely random thing.

we are all hurting and broken people.

despite our very best intentions, and the heart behind what we try to do, we continue to fail. if you're like me, that seems a bit disheartening. ok, it is a bit disheartening.

except that the story doesn't end there.

we are broken.

we are hurting.

every. single. one. of. us.

i think we forget that.

or maybe it's just me.

either way, i constantly forget that other people are hurting too. that they're hurting more. sometimes i hear one of my favorite quotes: "be kind. for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle." and i think, that's right. people should be nice to me because my battle is harder than theirs.

selfish much?

i mean come on, that is the exact opposite of what the quote is getting at. [i know you all are probably smart people, and can figure out what it is actually saying, but i'll keep going with my train of thought anyway...] what it's saying is that we don't know or understand the lives, and the stories of the people around us. what we know about their lives is based solely on what they tell us through various ways of communication.

and some of their nonverbal communication is misleading. guaranteed.

and everyone is dealing with something.

just about everyone has been through something in his or her lifetime that would make your eyes well up with tears. something heart-wrenching. something that would remind each of us that all the people we see around us, are people. real, human, created in the image of God, human beings.

but the thing is, the only way we truly love each other -- truly love each other -- is by the grace of God. i honestly believe that. you may not know, or believe in God, but i believe that he created you and me, so regardless of whether you know him or not, his grace is extended to you.

and that is the only way that we get peace on earth - the only way that the constant failure encapsulated by life is not disheartening.

there but for the grace of God, go i.

there but for the grace of a God who would come in the flesh to save me,

who did for me what i cannot ever - despite what my culture would lead me to believe - do for myself,

go i.

peace comes in the form of a man, a man who is God, whose name is Jesus Christ.

he brings healing.

he brings redemption.

he brings grace.

may we be gracious with each other.

may we pay forward the gifts and the blessings we've been given.

at christmas and always.

Source: etsy.com via Kate on Pinterest

merry christmas to you.

peace on earth,

goodwill toward men.

what's in a weekend?

2011-12-11T15:20:00.001-05:00

currently i'm sitting in our family room with football on in the background, slowly and methodically uploading photographs of products to my website.

my team played on thursday night this week [and kicked some browns booty!], so this sunday i'm trying to be productive since i have no real interest in any other team. this afternoon i've already addressed as many Christmas cards as possible - all but the ones missing an address - and gotten them all ready to stick in the mail.

now we just need the photos [which we'll get this evening] and the stamps. as life moves closer and closer to Christmas, i'm slowly crossing things off of the list. i still need to clean up a few things today, and plan our menu for this week, but right now i'm sipping some mint hot chocolate and enjoying a piece of calm.

this weekend has been a blink-and-you-miss-it kind of weekend. this is largely due to the fact that i ran 20 miles yesterday, so it took most of the day before i was really up for doing anything else. we capped off the night by having a game night with peter's siblings. we also watched home alone, which made the fact that i was two points shy of winning a little easier to take.

Source: fitsugar.com via Jill on Pinterest

except for my longest run ever, this weekend was largely full of the everyday moments that make up everyday life. making meals, going to church, talking with my husband, doing a bit of writing, trying to plan out our schedule for the rest of the Christmas season...

Source: portfolio.cityhigh.org via Sara on Pinterest

there are many reasons why Christmas has been hard for me to grab onto this year. however, this got me a little closer, so i just had to share it with you.

Source: thediaryofdaveswife.com via Kate on Pinterest

it's just so sweet!
and with that, i'm off to try to be productive :o)

i hope you enjoyed your weekend,

no matter what it brought you.

ninety.five.

2011-12-08T10:55:00.001-05:00

it has been a weird week. plenty has happened, but it feels like i've accomplished nothing at all. this morning i had to wake up with peter so we could finalize the sale of our new car at the crack of dawn. that way peter could still be at work for the vast majority of his work day. it also means i'm going to be brewing some more coffee very, very soon.

despite staying busy with various projects for the entirety of this week, i still feel like i'm very behind when it comes to business stuff, christmas stuff, adoption stuff, cleaning the house stuff -- just about all stuff, really.

but, today is my rest day [ie: i have no run to do], and i was up early, so i'm determined to accomplish things today.

anyway, adding to the strange-ness of this week is that tuesday of this week was grammy's birthday. i didn't even realize it until mid-morning, and suddenly it hit me. december 6th. december 6th.

she would have been ninety-five.

i can't believe she's been gone for almost three years. it doesn't feel like that long.

since she passed away her number of great-grandchildren have doubled in size. we keep getting older, and doing new things, and despite the fact that she's not here anymore, it still kind of feels like she is. i still think of her often. usually when i'm drinking my coffee, or when i'm eating reese's. anytime i think about christmas cookies, or when someone comments on my height. [quite often :o) ]

there was always a part of me that thought she'd be around forever - like 100 would be nothing for her. she even told me [on the day of her 90th birthday] that a "big birthday" would be when she turned 100.

it's just another one of those things - life doesn't happen like you thought it would.

but, i'm thankful for life. thankful for her. always.

what are you thankful for this week?

beautiful mess

2011-12-02T06:00:00.000-05:00

just a quick thought for today. it's not fully fleshed out, so forgive my rambling...

i heard a song on the radio today that led me to think about messes. we all mess things up sometimes. we all make mistakes. we've all looked at our own life and thought it to be disastrous at one time or another.

sometimes these disasters happen despite our very best efforts, when your heart was in exactly the right place, but the result didn't end up how it was intended.

it's these messes that make me think "beautiful mess."

it's the toddler who makes her bed the very best she can.
the child whose shoes end up on the wrong feet because he "did it himself."

i think we have those moments with God too. all of us. he looks at us and sees a whole bunch of beautiful messes.

we continually make a mess of things, but he can redeem it all. and he uses us in the process of redemption.

we're like children, trying in vain to lift something heavy - trying to change something, move something bigger than ourselves. we cannot do it in our own strength, but we try anyway.

and then our father comes over and moves it, yet still allows us to help. he allows us to take part, to play a role.

like when my niece and nephew help to cook -- i could make whatever i'm making without their help, but i allow them to take part in the process, and i love watching them as they do.

i think that's the tiniest of imperfect glimpses into how God allows us to take part in the process. he could do it without us, but he loves allowing us into it.

Source: Uploaded by user via Brittany on Pinterest

[hopefully that kind of makes sense...]

happy friday!

what's in a {holiday} weekend

2011-11-27T18:51:00.001-05:00

well, we're currently on our way back from our annual thanksgiving festivities. peter is out of town for the night on a quick trip for work, and i'm headed back to char-town with his parents and sister.

i had in mind to get a little bit of work done, and prepare a blog post for later since there isn't much more to do on a five-ish hour drive, but i opened my laptop only to discover that though i didn't really use it much this weekend i also never turned it completely off, nor did i charge it - so we'll see how this goes!

i had a bit of an up and down weekend. most of it was quite fantastic. everything went about as i expected it to go up until saturday morning. wednesday night there was much excitement as everyone arrived in richmond. we had chili for dinner - as the tradition goes - and then all the cousins hung out and caught up. thursday was full of cinnamon rolls, parade watching, tons of delicious food, football games, and family bonding time. friday included a morning of an 8 mile run, and a huge brunch, followed by an afternoon of successful shopping, and a dinner of stuffed shells.

then came saturday... i was supposed to do an 18 mile run for marathon training saturday morning. rachel had mapped me out a course, meg was set to meet me about 13 or 14 miles in with sustenance, and peter was going to run the first 2.5 or 3 miles with me to get me started at a good pace.

then i woke up feeling like absolute junk. me being me however, i decided that i must just be hungry, and proceeded to the kitchen to prepare and eat my normal pre-run meal of oatmeal and gatorade.

long story short, i lost all my breakfast plus the gatorade gel i had after i lost half of my breakfast, because i was still fairly determined to go.

peter had to talk me out of going using logical reasoning such as: if you cannot hold down any calories, it's not a good idea to try to run 18 miles. you know, silly things like that.

of course, me being me again, i thought it best to call my dad - who ran a few marathons in his day, and make him tell me that missing an 18 mile run due to losing everything in my stomach would not entirely ruin my marathon training, and everything would still be okay.

i told him that he had to confirm this sort of thing because my competitive "crazy" comes from him, so if he said it was okay i would believe him.

he said - almost verbatim - what peter said about calories and energy, so i resigned myself to sleeping for much of yesterday.

i have to say, it was a crappy way to spend a saturday. i felt horrible - literally, and figuratively. but i was also very thankful for the people who cared for me -- those who made me soup and tea, who forced me to rest, who reassured me that adapting my running will not ruin anything, etc., etc. family is funny that way.

and now it's time to think about christmas. it still doesn't quite feel like christmastime to me despite the fact that i'll bring home our christmas tree tonight, despite the fact that we've already purchased many of the gifts we'll be giving, despite the fact that this is the first sunday in advent - despite all of those outward things - i just don't feel ready for it yet.

hopefully the weather will cool off once again, and become more fall/winter/christmas like soon. i think that will make it much much easier for me to get into the holiday spirit.

now i'm off to pick up some groceries, and pick out our tree. maybe the clean pine smell will make it feel like christmas...

i hope you had a fabulous thanksgiving, and i hope you carry your grateful spirit the whole way through the end of this year, and next.

Source: lollyjaneboutique.blogspot.com via Melissa on Pinterest

Source: yournestdesign.blogspot.com via Anne on Pinterest

merry christmas :o)

the spirit of the season

2011-11-22T09:48:00.001-05:00

i've been having a heck of a time trying to get into "the spirit of the season" this year. it doesn't feel at all like thanksgiving is less than two days away, nor does it feel like Christmas is right around the corner.

i started my *ahem* our Christmas shopping this week, and while i made significant progress in checking people off of the list, it just doesn't feel like the holiday season is upon us.

over the last few days i've started listening to Christmas music, despite peter's ban on it until after thanksgiving.

i just can't seem to settle into it. of course the 70+ degree weather the past couple days has done nothing to help. it's tough for me to go Christmas shopping in a t-shirt...

anyway, tomorrow we head up to our annual thanksgiving festivities. this year will be a little bit different in that i have 26 miles to run over two days of our time there, but many of the traditions -- like thanksgiving football, black friday shopping, and many different types of delicious food, those will all remain the same.

so, i decided that i needed to look for some thanksgiving, and christmas goodness to help me get into the spirit that i'm missing.

Source: melondipity.com via Lily on Pinterest

Source: designbykelli.com via Kelli on Pinterest

Source: google.com via Kristin on Pinterest

Source: frenchs.com via Sarah on Pinterest

Source: google.com via Mindy on Pinterest

Source: allrecipes.com via BlueWhole on Pinterest

Source: google.com via Kate on Pinterest

happy thanksgiving!

and merry christmas :o)

jumping into the funnel

2011-11-18T14:09:00.001-05:00

can you believe thanksgiving is less than a week away?? it has been quite the week for us.

over the last seven days we've stayed in 3 different states, driven over 1,000 miles, and have visited with seventeen out of state relatives.

i've started listening to christmas music. we celebrated my mother-in-law's birthday. we celebrated my grandfather's life. we bought a car.

long story short, one of peter's cousins - chris - came up to our house last thursday evening to stay the night. he also ventured on to richmond along with us on friday. in addition to visiting with chris, and packing for richmond on friday, i also got the call that my grandfather had passed away early friday morning - a somewhat ironic end to a veteran's life.

saturday chris, rachel [another cousin], meg [who will be a cousin], and i all ran the richmond half-marathon - along with about 6200 other people.

map of the course
{via krousecartography.com}

since i'm training for a full marathon i wasn't entirely sure what to expect from the half. i still wanted to beat my time from my first half-marathon, but wasn't sure if that was entirely realistic. i ended up finishing in 1:40:03 - almost 5 minutes faster than my first one. admittedly i wish that i could've run four seconds faster, but i can't say i'm disappointed with the result either.

anyway, we spent the rest of saturday lounging around in sweats and pajamas watching movies, eating warm comfort food, and drinking some pumpkin spice lattes from starbucks.

after church on sunday we had a fabulous lunch and then continued about 5 1/2 hours north to my brother's house in pittsburgh.

the viewing for my grandfather was on monday, and the funeral was on tuesday.

tuesday afternoon we made the trek back home. and the past couple days were spent tying up loose ends, getting caught up on grocery shopping, and moving business stuff forward.

it doesn't seem possible that it's friday already, but when the week seemingly started on wednesday i guess that's what happens.

despite the fact that things are getting back to "normal" and back on track after our longer-than-originally-planned trip they're also crazier than normal should be. [in my opinion, anyway...]

last night as we were talking with peter's parents about some of the adoption stuff his mom used the phrase "jumping into the funnel". that's really what life feels like right now. jumping in with both feet. everything seems overwhelming, and out of control.

it's scary, and crazy, and hard. but over and over again conversations, thoughts, and life have all come back to the question of control. i have to trust that God is in control. that's the only way i can jump into the funnel. the only way i can trust that getting tossed around by life will ever make any sense.

life is rarely what you expected. even last night as we were talking about adoption my mother-in-law turned to me and said, "you've always said you wanted to adopt a little african baby." and i replied "yeah, i just didn't think he would come first."

life is rarely what you expected. and for as difficult and frustrating as that can be at times you either believe that God is in control, and life will work out better than you thought through the redemption he brings, or you don't.

funny how simplicity isn't easy, huh?

i hope you had a good week.

happy friday!

an early morning & a photo shoot

2011-11-10T11:04:00.001-05:00

i've never been much of a morning person - at least as long as i can remember. lately i've been trying to get up with the rest of the east coast, at some kind of normal, non-ridiculously-absurd time. you know, like 7:30 or 8-ish. respectable, but not up just for kicks.

this morning however peter was flying out at 8 a.m. which means he needed to be at the airport by 7 a.m. which means we had to leave by 6:20 a.m. which means i had to wake up at 5:45 a.m. after going to bed around 12:05 a.m.

in short, early mornings and i do not get along.

anyway, i'm on to my third cup of coffee, and will be truly awake soon.

in other news, i realized that i never shared about our photo shoot! first, i need to give you a bit of backstory.

peter has never been a huge fan of getting his picture taken. i don't always love it either, but lately i had noticed that we really don't have many really good photos of us. for as long as we've been together, and as long as we've been married, we have a surprisingly small amount. the vast majority of those we do have are from trips we've taken, and forced family pictures [in which peter is rarely truly smiling]. we had never had a photo shoot per se, except for our wedding of course, but pictures of that were a necessity. i digress...

so, since we never had engagement photos taken i thought a five year anniversary photo shoot would be fitting. we put it off for a couple months because i wanted to have a photo shoot in which we would not be sweating the entire time, and one where we could get pictures for our christmas cards as well.

our photographer was one of our youth group students who is incredibly talented. she's a senior in high school, but has already done quite a few photo shoots. we haven't gotten all the pictures back yet - understandable since we just had the shoot on friday - but here are some of the previews she gave us.

"five years ago, i married my best friend"

{all photos by kfolk photos}

i can't wait to see the rest!!

happy thursday :o)

what's in a week?

2011-11-08T22:46:00.000-05:00

wow. a lot has happened over the past week. my head has just been spinning too fast to sit down and write about it.

where to start? well, peter and i talked on sunday about adoption and we have decided to look into international adoption. we're moving forward with ethiopia, but the next big decision is picking an agency. it's kind of making my head spin because there are so many things to consider.

Source: etsy.com via Bonnie on Pinterest

there are a lot of exciting things about adoption. but one of the hardest things is the amount of time. it's a long process, and it takes a lot of thought and many many decisions along the way. we haven't even started to get into them and i already know they're coming. deciding to move toward ethiopia is a big decision, but there are a million more on the way. and making good decisions takes time and prayer and research and probably a bunch of other things that i don't even know about yet.

and it all takes $$$. lots of it.

it's like taking one step into the ocean, and needing to walk across the entire thing. my heart is heavy with the thought of more years of waiting.

it's incredibly hard to walk into something knowing it will not go exactly how you'd like it to go. there are too many variables. it comes back [yet again] to hoping without expectation. hoping things will go smoothly, expecting them to be anything but what you expect.

i've been confronted with my own shortcomings, and lack of faith so many times over the last week. sometimes it's like i've forgotten how to trust. and amid the breakdowns and the tears, the fears, and the questions, i always come back to the same place -- i either trust that God is in control, or i don't.

and it's so so hard for me to trust that he is in control. because i want to be in control. i don't like feeling out of control, or feeling like an idiot. [i don't really know of anyone who does...] i don't like not knowing. period.

but lately, i feel like i don't know anything at all. i don't know anything about starting a business - i've never done it before. i don't know anything about training for a marathon [except for the running part...] - i've never done it before. i don't know anything about adopting - i've never done it before.

there are simply a lot of big life changing things on my plate right now, and i don't have the answers for any of the questions in my head.

yet each day my heart continues beating, and thus i believe that God wants me to keep living in this imperfect world. and to keep moving forward. keep pressing on.

i know that everything may not work out how i want it to. we're already so far off of the plan that i had for my life. and it's times like these when i have to remember that God is not there for me to mold him into what i'd like him to be.

he's there to mold me, and make me more like him, more like the person whom he created me to be.

Source: Uploaded by user via Brandon on Pinterest

"does the clay say to the potter,

'what are you making?'"

isaiah 45:9b

dear zack,

2011-11-03T13:22:00.000-04:00

i know last night was a tough night for you, kiddo. i know you were proud of your team as you walked off of the field, despite the score left on the scoreboard. and i know today - when you don't have practice or a game - it will really start to sink in that your high school career is over.

while it seems cliché to say "i know how you feel," i honestly cannot think of anything better right now. i know it sucks. especially when all you can do is look at it in hindsight and wish things had ended a little differently - as in hoisting a trophy instead of elimination.

i know that pouring your heart, soul, blood, sweat, and tears into something, and not getting all you had hoped out of it is heartbreaking. that staring across an empty field at the end of four years, and wondering how in the world it can all just be over is one of the weirdest possible feelings. it's full of anything but certainty. and for as much as you enjoyed it, not knowing what exactly will come next, or what steps you'll take to get there can be a bit unnerving.

so what can i tell you?

remember that there is a God in heaven who obviously wanted you to play in your senior season. remember that he is in control of what comes next. trust that if you seek him, you'll get where you need to be.

remember that you have a family and a support network who want to see you succeed, and who will back you 100%.

and so, from one to the next...

{photo credit: sharla miller}

...remember that while one chapter is closing, another one is just around the corner.

and who knows?

maybe the next four years

will end with a hoisted trophy.

adoption prayers

2011-10-31T20:26:00.000-04:00

well friends, i don't normally blog about things in the midst of them. usually i wait until after the story has happened to tell it. i think it's partially because i'm always hoping for a happy ending, or a good spin, and so i wait until the story draws to a close to tell you about it.

in this case, i'm making an exception.

for those of you who have been reading this blog for a while now you know that peter and i have started to look into adoption. [if you started reading recently you can find some back story here and here.]

truth be told we haven't done much, or looked very far. for a while i just didn't have peace in my heart about moving forward with the process. i don't know why exactly, i just didn't.

anyway, this past saturday when i was running my long run for the week i was thinking about all of the kid stuff, and all of the adoption stuff that i had been [and thus we had been] putting off. and i prayed that God would show me one way or another. should we move forward? should we take the next step and get the ball rolling so-to-speak?

and wouldn't you know it, a couple in our church whom we had emailed a while ago about getting together to talk about adoption approached us sunday at church. we ended up going to lunch with them yesterday to talk about adoption. they are still in the midst of the process and answered a lot of our questions.

at one point, she even said that when they started the process she was still a little unsure, but now she's ready and hoping they get matched with a child soon.

talk about timing...

Source: Uploaded by user via Paul on Pinterest

all that to say that last night peter and i talked further about our lunch conversation. we talked further about adoption in general. and we decided to take the next week and pray faithfully - without ceasing - about what the next step is.

long story short, we first need to decide whether to adopt internationally or domestically. and in the past we were leaning different directions. so this week is about seeking God wholeheartedly on this issue. from where do we adopt?

i'll give you a hint about which direction i'm leaning right now:

Source: pratterbox.blogspot.com via Meredith on Pinterest

so why do i tell you all this?
because i'm asking you to pray.

pray with us. pray for us. pray that God would make the next steps [or pauses] very very clear.

you know, time and again when i've thought about, or talked about adoption it has always come up that God invented it. we are adopted into his family. he makes us sons and daughters. we are each a prince or a princess because we are children of the king of kings.

a couple of years ago i broke down crying in the car a few weeks before christmas because i was listening to third day's christmas album for the first time. the final song on the album was the one in this video.

and as if that weren't enough, in the same week i heard this song too:

they broke me. and while i had always known that i wanted to adopt a child, that christmas solidified it for me.

i don't know why we haven't been able to have children thus far. i don't know if we ever will. and there are plenty of emotions that well up inside of me when i think about that, but i have to keep remembering that God is in control. that somewhere out there is a child that is ours - whether s/he has been born yet or not. and my life may look a little different than i thought it would, but at the end of the day i either trust that God knows what's best, or i don't.

and that is where i'm living right now.

will you pray with us?

redemption

2011-10-28T19:42:00.002-04:00

redeem. redeemer. redeemed. redemption.

i think redemption is a universal theme. everyone recognizes it. everyone wants it. i think that's because everyone needs it. i am so thankful that i have been redeemed, and i am in the process of being made whole and complete. though i am admittedly far, far from it right now.

lately i have been focusing on redemption a lot because i'm realizing more and more that everyone has blind spots. everyone. i can get up on my high horse and think i'm better than a whole bunch of people at a whole bunch of things, but then i look at my problem areas. those areas where i must hope that others will give me the most undeserved thing in the world -- grace. and i wonder where i get off hoping others will give me grace, when i'm not always willing to give it to them.

we all need to be redeemed. i hate that in america we try to hide our problems. too often we try to pretend that everything is peachy keen, and we fail to see that many times there are people around who will support us. there are so many sad, "slip through the cracks" stories because we aren't honest about where we are, and what's going on in our lives.

no one is perfect. no one. remember that old saying that if something seems like it's too good to be true, it probably is? and yet, how often do we try to show the rest of the world a life that seems too good to be true?

we live in a world full of hurting and broken people. no one is immune. everyone is in need of grace. everyone is in need of redemption. but we go on pretending, wearing our masks. this is not to say that we should tell everyone all of our dark and dirty secrets, but why don't we trust our closest friends enough to be completely honest with them? are we willing to get past the front, and not just share our crap, but to listen with open arms for others to speak too?

today as i walked bexley, i studied the leaves; the colors of the leaves at the height of their autumnal beauty. and i realized that God has even gone so far as to redeem the leaves. [stay with me, i know it sounds crazy...]

the leaves are dying. they are disappearing for the winter, and next year new ones will replace them. God could have created them in such a way that they stay green and fall from the trees. or he could have given no thought to aesthetics and had them turn muddy brown, or black, and make the world a little bit uglier in the process. he could have made it so that the state of the leaves is not indicative of the season. but he didn't.

in a weird sort of way the fall is when the leaves become their most unique. their most beautiful. what they were created to be.

if God goes to such lengths to give us beauty in the leaves - to redeem them - how much more will he go to great lengths for us?

Source: google.com via Amy on Pinterest

we're all in need of a savior.

going home

2011-10-25T21:43:00.001-04:00

what does it mean to go home? every time i go i wonder about this question. to me, home is driving north until i reach the pennsylvania welcome sign. driving through the fort pitt tunnel to one of my favorite views at the end. the city of 3 rivers, and five generations of my family.

going home is kind of like this for me:

it tends to feel like i'm looking for a piece of myself that got left behind. like my roots are still in the ground up there, and when i get that air back in my lungs i start to feel more like myself. [this is precisely why i think i had two of my best runs of training up there this past weekend - despite all the hills that my legs are no longer used to running.]

most of the time i feel a bit torn. no matter which direction i'm traveling through the mountains, part of me is leaving and part of me is going home.

anytime someone asks me where i'm from, i still say pittsburgh. i probably always will. even if we never get to move back there, and i live here, or somewhere else for longer than the 22 years i spent there. nowhere else will ever really be home.

there's just something about home. something healing. because home doesn't just bring back the memories, or the nostalgia. it doesn't just include the places and the people. it also brings back the sense of indestructibility that came with being a kid. it allows me to remember that at one time i truly truly believed that anything was possible.

i had a sense of optimism and wonder that overrode everything else. going home means going back to a place and time when i wasn't as battle-worn and jaded. in a strange way it reminds me of the things that i hoped for, and that i still have reasons to continue hoping.

sometimes when i'm home i drive past my childhood house. the place where i spent the first 18 years of my life. and so many times i've wanted to stop and ask to have a look around [just like she does in the video...]. i want to go into the back yard, and climb up on top of the monkey bars just like i used to. i want to play soccer in the back yard, swing on the rope swing, wade in the creek and catch minnows, sled down the hill into the neighbors yard, roller blade around the basement, and jump in the big piles of leaves we'd have each year.

because sometimes going home is really just a way to find yourself again.

what does home mean for you?

and i'm off!

2011-10-20T10:36:00.001-04:00

i'm super excited for the sure-to-be fabulous weekend ahead of me. quick visits with family will be broken up by the main event -- lauren & nick's tying of the knot!

i cannot wait to see some of my favorite girls, and celebrate with l.

and to make it even sweeter, it's in my hometown, and my favorite city on the planet. i'm a bit biased, but i really don't understand how you wouldn't love it!

Source: post-gazette.com via Anne on Pinterest

Source: budgettravel.com via Kate on Pinterest

Source: 4.bp.blogspot.com via Kate on Pinterest

Source: google.com via Kate on Pinterest

Source: etsy.com via Kate on Pinterest

happy early weekend!

word for wednesday

2011-10-19T15:46:00.002-04:00

lately i've been reading through the old testament in the mornings. i'm getting to the end of 2 kings, and what hit me this morning was how many times 1 & 2 kings talk about good kings and evil kings, but more often than not even the good kings failed to "take down the high places" and the people still made sacrifices to idols.

and for as many times as i've read that it hit me in a different way this morning. i am walking with the Lord - i hope that if i had been a queen in the old testament [who actually held any power - whole other can of worms...] i would be one who walked with the Lord as david did, and yet, i wonder -- would i have taken down the high places, or would i leave them there because they had become accepted as part of the culture?

which leads straight to this next question: what are the "high places" in my life? what are the things that i allow in my life now that don't belong there? what are the areas that i need to take down? those things that are so stealth in their existence that they slip by unnoticed continuing to harm me in a respectable way?

this question has been haunting me all day long. there are a few ways that i can think of, but i know that there are plenty that are slipping through the cracks.

and so, my prayer all day has been for God to show me those things that go by unnoticed. the ways that i allow other things to become idols. the ways that i allow anything to become something other than what it was made to be.

today i'm reminded that sanctification is a process. and one day, i'll be made whole and complete. i'll be made into my true self. one without the vices, and the ugliness.

and in the midst of it i'm grateful. i'm thankful that the God of the universe has deemed me worthy of the trouble. even though i rarely like the lessons in the midst of them. today, i'm grateful for growth, even if growth hurts.

i'm thankful that i serve a really big God who won't give up on me, even if that is absolutely what i deserve.

Source: susieharrisblog.com via D'Anna on Pinterest

time to find those high places,

and tear them down.

here, there, and everywhere

2011-10-17T20:53:00.000-04:00

i haven't been writing as much lately. it's not because there hasn't been much going on -- on the contrary, our schedule has been rather full. it's just because i have sat down at my computer, or with my journal open, and stared at the blank canvas without knowing what should fill it.

and every time i stare for too long at the white space on my computer i find myself bored. so, i head off to pinterest to cure my boredom, and all of my possible writing time turns into pinning time...

i digress.

i feel as though i have too many things in my head to make sense of any of them. lately, i have been feeling the paradox of choice. there are so many different things that i could do that i don't know how to choose. i'm getting lost in the static, lost in the noise of the possibilities.

it's times like these when i have to stop. pause. wait. let the static turn into white noise, and roll off my back into the abyss. i have to refocus. stop thinking about everything possible and think instead about the possibilities i'd like to reach.

it's really really easy to lose focus. to let the urgent things become more important than the important things. and lately, i've been getting sucked in to the urgent things. i've lacked a zest for life, and have been plodding through it instead.

there has been so much going on i feel like i haven't had the time to pause and breathe. hopefully i'll start thinking of this week less as something i have to do, and more as something i get to do.

it helps that one of my good friends from college is getting married this weekend which means i get to see many of my favorite people oh.so.soon. the girls always have a way of reminding me of the good things in life. i'm so very excited to see them!

here's my prayer -- i should say it more often than i do.

Source: bitsotruth.blogspot.com via Debbie on Pinterest

have a fabulous week!

the kite runner

2011-10-12T19:52:00.001-04:00

Source: goodreads.com via Kate on Pinterest

have you ever read the kite runner? i just finished it late last night. i had a difficult time putting it down. it's kind of a strange book to read given this time in history. reading a book about afghanistan, and afghani people that encompasses the before and the during of the various conflicts over the years changes your perspective. or mine, at least.

this book is haunting in the sense that it stays with you. its themes roll around in your head, coming back around and around and around. yesterday - while in the middle of the book - i went for a 6 mile run. it was raining pretty hard so i didn't take my iPod. yet, the whole time i was running, i was thinking about the story.

i don't want to give much of it away, but one of the most interesting things is the difference in culture. we all know that there is a bit of a culture clash between how we do things in the west -- specifically in america, and how they do things in the middle east. that does not make either one of them inherently bad or wrong, although they both have some major flaws. if there is one big thing the book taught me though it's this: it would behoove all of us [me especially] to peek into another culture before pronouncing judgment upon it.

one of the biggest themes running through the kite runner is discrimination. [not the only theme, but one of them...] lately i have been thinking and reading a lot about different types of discrimination. the last book i read was black like me by john howard griffin. [i also highly recommend that book...] black like me is about race relations in the american south at the end of the 1950's/beginning of the 1960's. similarly to the kite runner, black like me shocked me. i never lived through a time of such blatant, culturally accepted discrimination based solely on appearance. and on one hand it is extremely difficult for me to believe that well-meaning people ever treated other people with such disdain.

on the other hand though, i've read my fair share of psychological studies, and with those in mind it's not quite as surprising.

anyway, at the end of the day i sit back and wonder -- where are my blind spots? what things am i missing? what pieces of our culture, and my thinking, will i look back on in 20 or 30 years and shake my head at?

to me those questions are far more haunting than the questions about the past. i couldn't change what happened in the past, i still can't, but i can change my present and i can change my future -- so what needs to change?

what needs to change?

friday goodness

2011-10-07T14:18:00.000-04:00

i just had to share this with you. it made my friday a bit brighter, and i have a feeling it'll do the same for yours.

how could you not love him??

living in the tension

2011-10-06T11:58:00.000-04:00

learning can be fun, but it is certainly not always fun. sometimes you learn something that scares you. sometimes you learn something that makes life easier. sometimes you learn something that grows you.

and growth is a process.

lately i have been learning a lot. not because i'm a good student, but simply because i do not have a choice. i have to live in the tension.

i have wanted a child for so long, and yet, it's not happening. i cannot put my life on hold, i won't be paralyzed by this. yet, i still hope. i still want it to happen. and month by month i am learning what it's like - what it means - to live in the tension of hope without expectation.

i am learning to live in a place where the things you planned, the things you want, the desires of your heart, go unmet. and in the midst of it i am also learning how to trust what God has for me now. i am learning [in fits and starts as they say] how to live where i don't want to be, how to be content despite that fact, and how to do it graciously.

i've been reminding myself daily that i live in a world of hurting and broken people. i am not the only one living in tension. my struggle, my tension, is certainly real, but i am not the only one hurting in this world.

everyone has a battle to fight. some are harder than others. some are deeper than others. but everyone has them.

and i'm trusting, that one day, one way or another i'll be able to hang something like this above a crib in our nursery:

Source: back40life.3dcartstores.com via Kate on Pinterest

and until then,

i'll live in the tension.

somethin' kinda wonderful

2011-10-05T16:48:00.000-04:00

it has been a while since i made a thankful list. i've been trying to focus more on the good things, but taking the time to name those things really helps. and in the spirit of fall, and the season of thanksgiving i thought it would be fitting to remind myself of some of the wonderful pieces of life...

my husband. he's pretty great :o)

october. cooler days and chilly nights. perfect for coziness.
coffee.

coffee with pumpkin spice creamer. [it's baaaaaack!]
espresso nails with a little sparkle.

the ability to run. even on days when i don't love it.
pinterest.
pumpkins. yep. pumpkins.

Source: call-me-cupcake.blogspot.com via Momma on Pinterest

bonfires.
s'mores with homemade marshmallows and reese's cups.
french pastries.

Source: cupcakesandcashmere.com via Kate on Pinterest

open windows.
soccer games.

Source: None via Danielle on Pinterest

j crew, anthropologie, toms, shabby apple, etsy, and other shopping goodness.
shoes.

Source: highstylefancy.multiply.com via Kate on Pinterest

artists. thank goodness everything is not just about "function."
crisp apples.

Source: sunnydia.tumblr.com via Lindsey on Pinterest

and apple cider.
cute and comfy dresses.

Source: warehouse.co.uk via Kate on Pinterest

steelers games.

friends you can count on.

Source: weheartit.com via Kate on Pinterest

different perspectives.

...so thankful.

quick thought from today

2011-10-03T23:27:00.000-04:00

i realized as i was reflecting on my day and browsing on pinterest tonight that there are just so many good, clever, interesting things in the world.

and every day - every single day - i have a choice as to whether i'm going to look for and find the good, clever, interesting things, or whether i'm going to forget they exist and focus on the evil in the world.

i've never been a very good optimist, but whenever i look at the good things, and really focus on them, life seems a little brighter.

there's no need to compare what could be to what is -- what is can be good if we let it.

Source: moneysavingmom.com via Christy on Pinterest

happy monday.

autumnal equinox

2011-09-28T23:32:00.000-04:00

i have a love-love relationship with fall. and a love-hate relationship with the south's version of fall.

this evening i love fall. there are mini pumpkins and gourds placed around my house. there are pumpkin spice, and cinnamon, and apple candles lit. there is hot apple cider. my screen door is open so that the cool night breeze and the noise of the crickets can both find their way inside.

now i have made my peace with my surroundings. i'm remembering all that i love about this season. earlier today, however, when i stayed indoors so as to avoid the heat wave that reached 86℉ outside the walls of my house, and i had to turn the a/c up - then i was less than peaceful.

fall is my absolute favorite time of year, and yet, growing up in pittsburgh i have an idea of what fall should be. and 86° has no place in my idea of fall.

fall looks less like summer, and more like this:

Source: flickr.com via Darci on Pinterest

Source: suziebeezie.tumblr.com via Darci on Pinterest

Source: shanty-2-chic.com via Darci on Pinterest

Source: fancyhouseroad.com via Darci on Pinterest

Source: scandifoodie.blogspot.com via Kate on Pinterest

Source: etsy.com via Kate on Pinterest

Source: google.ca via Kate on Pinterest

Source: fineartamerica.com via Kate on Pinterest

Source: lifefrom5feet.blogspot.com via Kate on Pinterest

Source: a-love-train.blogspot.com via Kate on Pinterest

Source: starbucks.com via Kate on Pinterest

happy fall!

letting loose

2011-09-27T22:29:00.000-04:00

Source: 500px.com via Jenna on Pinterest

Source: browndresswithwhitedots.tumblr.com via DoRena on Pinterest

the sky lets loose
pounding on the roof
inches fall in mere minutes

soaking
pouring
saturating

the floods come at night
they come like waves
crashing and falling
in and out

moving through in a blink
thunder cracking
clouds passing

wiping away the old
adding a new layer to the world.

it's time to go puddle-jumping,
time to dance in the rain.

{don't forget your galoshes}

con·trol

2011-09-26T22:56:00.000-04:00

control can be such an ugly word. and the past couple of days have dealt me a hand of reminder that i am not in control. not in control.

far too often i want to be, and i get upset when i'm not, but at the end of the day -- i'm not in control.
and likewise, at the end of the day, that is a very good thing.

it is also a freeing thing. because if God calls me to do something, and i'm obedient, then things will turn out how HE wants them to turn out. sometimes it will be how i want it to turn out, and sometimes it won't be. but he's in control, i'm not. if i obey him i'm not responsible. i'm off the hook.

i know that sounds weird, but i get freaked out about failure. i hate failing. i hate failure. i hate messing up. all of it. hate it.

and so, it helps me to realize that i'm not in control. to remember that God holds the whole world in his hands. that ultimately, it's up to him. i could do everything wrong, but if he wants it to work, it'll still work. i could do everything right, and if he doesn't want it to continue, it won't.

of course i am still responsible for the doing, for the obeying, but really - i'm here to glorify God. and if he's glorified in my failure, than it's okay that i failed.

Source: etsy.com via Kate on Pinterest

peter tells me not to worry about failure, and to "fail better" a lot. the fear of failure paralyzes me more often than i would like. thus, "failing better" is a good reminder that there is such a thing. there is in fact, a difference, between failing miserably and barely failing.

my prayer is that God would be glorified in my successes and my failures. whether i succeed radically, or fail miserably, or fail better, or succeed moderately, may God gain glory from it and in it.

for not one sparrow falls to the ground

outside of the farher's hand.

in the kitchen.

2011-09-22T13:36:00.000-04:00

today's post is pretty much completely inspired by melisa's post on the lil bee.

it got me thinking about growing up, about falling in love with food, and the excitement i feel when i sit down to dinner and think -- oh wow. i made this, and it's stinkin good.

mind you, this does not happen every night. i've also had my fair share of -- wow, this has way too much _____. or -- wow, i'm sorry peter. i thought this would be better. or...[you get the idea...]

anyway, there are a few kitchen traditions i've been privy to over the years.

any and every time i visited my grandma and pappap as a kid my grandma spent a large portion of her time in the kitchen. over the years i helped her bake about a million different kinds of cookies. and at christmas and thanksgiving she would break out old sherbet containers filled to the brim with all the different types. she'd bring up the 3+ flavors of ice cream hidden in the downstairs freezer, and present at least 2 or 3 different types of pie and/or cake. at their house dessert was always my favorite part of the meal.

Source: marthastewart.com via Olivia on Pinterest

my grammy on the other hand, did not spend most of her time in the kitchen. but every christmas, without fail, she made orange cookies. and when she got too old to make them herself, she supervised the process. now, i make orange cookies every christmas, as a tribute of deliciousness.

Source: tasteofhome.com via froggymama on Pinterest

with grammy sharing a meal was more about the people than the meal itself. the atmosphere with her was always so enjoyable that the food tasted better just by virtue of the people surrounding it. grammy also taught me about the importance of coffee, reese's cups, oreos, spoonfuls of peanut butter, and in her last days - broccoli cheddar soup.

Source: google.com via Marisa on Pinterest

one of my favorite recipes of all time comes from my great-grandma. i never met her, but great-grandma logan's spice cake recipe has been one of my favorites for as long as i can remember. despite the fact that my birthday is in may, there was many a year when my non-season-appropriate request for birthday cake was great-grandma's spice cake.

Source: food52.com via Mandy on Pinterest

i served said spice cake the first time we invited peter's whole family over for dinner, and used the good china. a slice of that, alongside a steaming mug of coffee is one of the best desserts ever.

then there's my mom's tradition of baking cinnamon rolls on thanksgiving morning. when we were little my big brother and i used to sleep on the sleeper sofa the night before thanksgiving. we'd wake up slightly before nine o'clock to the smell of cinnamon rolls wafting upstairs. we'd turn the tv on to the macy's thanksgiving day parade and watch the whole thing, consuming many, many cinnamon rolls, and large glasses of milk along the way.

Source: myrecipes.com via Jodi on Pinterest

my dad taught me all about garlic shells, french bread pizzas, colby cheese, 'nila wafers, vanilla ice cream, and meat. in fact, when i tried my first ever piece of venison it was courtesy of my dad. he didn't think i would try it if i knew it was venison, so he told me it was a new kind of bologna. only after i told him i liked it did he reveal what it really was.

Source: seriouseats.com via Brooke on Pinterest

my discovery of the enjoyment of cooking didn't really come until peter and i started dating, and most of it has been since we got married.

it has been encouraged by peter [especially after a few rough dinners when we first got married], his sister, his mom, and my sister-in-law.

Source: foodsofourlives.com via Jill on Pinterest

peter's sister and i now have a tradition of baking the thanksgiving pies a few days before heading up to celebrate with their family. his mom's lasagna recipe has become a mainstay in my repertoire - especially for big group dinners. and more than a few of my sister-in-law's recipes are part of our regular rotation. in fact we're having chicken enchiladas tonight.

Source: sweettreatsandgoodeats.com via Brooke on Pinterest

Source: bettycrocker.com via Rita on Pinterest

we have a few kitchen traditions ourselves. one of them is to make a big elaborate christmas breakfast for the two of us. peter is a fantastic breakfast chef, and some of my favorite mornings are when we collaborate to make more breakfast than any two people could possibly eat. one of our more recent discoveries is banana pancakes. so so good.

Source: abitchinkitchen.blogspot.com via Cathy on Pinterest

cooking [and baking too] has become a comfort for me. there have been many days, especially over the past few years, when we've had nothing going on so i've decided to try making something i've never made before.

i'll make cupcakes just because i feel like it. or lemon squares. or marshmallows. or buffalo chicken dip. i'll make a big pot of soup, or risotto, or try my hand at pizza.

i like making things just because. i like making an everyday day special by adding something extra.

what are your favorite

kitchen traditions?

just one of those days

2011-09-21T15:05:00.000-04:00

today has been a little rough around the edges. i have more than a few things left on my to do list -- a couple of which desperately need to happen, and yet all i want to do is take a nap.

i have tried to alleviate my misgivings with today by making buffalo chicken dip. i've been craving it all week. i even dreamt about it last night. [don't judge.] so, i opted for making it first, and cleaning later.

today is a rainy grey first day of fall. and therefore, it's also the perfect day to curl up on the couch and eat comfort food.

any of these would do the trick, but i think the buffalo chicken dip will work too [*wink*]

Source: dreamydesserts.blogspot.com via Lauren on Pinterest

Source: sugarcooking.blogspot.com via Stephanie on Pinterest

Source: plainchicken.com via Penny on Pinterest

Source: sweetpeaskitchen.com via Beth on Pinterest

Source: staceysnacksonline.com via Kelsey on Pinterest

Source: erinsfoodfiles.com via Rachel on Pinterest

happy fall!

strength. lessons from running.

2011-09-20T13:24:00.000-04:00

this morning i went for a run - as i've been doing most days for the past couple weeks, and will likely continue to do most days for the next few months. anyway, after said run i was thinking about strength. my run this morning did not feel particularly good. i have had a couple particularly good runs within the past week, but today was not one of them.

Source: None via Maggie on Pinterest

but what buoyed me afterwards is that it's done. over. and i'm stronger because i pressed on and finished it. i'm closer to where i want to be because i pushed through the pain and kept on going.

one of the songs on my workout mix is sing by my chemical romance. i fell in love with the song when glee covered it last season, and downloaded it a few days later when i couldn't stop singing it. there's a line spoken in the midst of the song that simply says "keep running". and every time i hear it i think about the simplicity of it. just. keep. running.

Source: glutegirl.files.wordpress.com via Maggie on Pinterest

and then i think about life. life takes strength. and life builds strength. strength comes when you do something you didn't think you were strong enough to do. when you do the right thing when the wrong thing would be so much easier. strength comes when you just. keep. running. pressing on. pushing through.

Source: lysswunsch.tumblr.com via Maggie on Pinterest

there's an old quote - i don't remember who said it right now - but it says: if you're going through hell, keep going. keep. going. you can do it. will you?

will you fight against the voice in your head that says you aren't strong enough, or big enough, or fast enough, or good enough?

will you find the strength you never knew you possessed until you were forced to do something you never thought you could?

Source: imgfave.com via Maggie on Pinterest

will you keep running

the race marked out for you?

i think you should.

this friday morning

2011-09-16T13:00:00.000-04:00

granted it's afternoon now, but i thoroughly enjoyed this morning. i slept in just enough to make it feel like sleeping in, and not so much as to feel as if i wasted the whole morning by sleeping through it. i caught up on project runway with my breakfast, and then i went for a 5 1/2 mile run. i only needed to do 5 miles, but the weather is perfect today so i went out a little farther than i needed to.

today feels like home to me. i walked bexley in long sleeves, the screen door is open to let the cool taste of autumn air into the house, and i've been curling up under blankets all day. hot drinks sound delightful, i'll be wearing a light sweater, jeans, and boots out to run errands later, and we're having soup for dinner.

i'm taking it all in, and enjoying it while it's here! all next week it's supposed to jump back up into the upper 80s, which i am less than thrilled about, but this weekend should be stellar.

anyway, before i head off to clean and do laundry, here are a few photos to remind you that there are so many good things in this world.

happy happy friday!

martha's vineyard & falmouth. en images.

2011-09-15T12:17:00.002-04:00

part two. the morning of labor day we awoke in boston, and went straight to the airport to pick up our rental car and make the trek out to the cape.

we were staying right up the street from the island queen ferry in falmouth, and they let us check in early so we could leave our car by our room and walk up to catch the 10:30 ferry.

we arrived in oak bluffs a little after 11 o'clock.

we proceeded immediately to the flying horses carousel.

we were easily the only adults without kids on the ride, but it was still fun.

[apologies for the quality of this picture of the carousel.]

after the carousel we walked through oak bluffs.

my favorite part was a section of cottages

that look like gingerbread houses.

then we had lunch at this adorable little restaurant.

i had and absolutely delicious salmon burger.

after lunch we rented bikes and rode the 6 or so miles

from oak bluffs to edgartown - with a few photo op stops on the way.

in edgartown we parked our bikes and walked around the town

admiring houses, stopping in shops, seeing the lighthouse,

walking along the beach, and talking about the kennedys since

edgartown is right across from chappaquiddick.

after spending the afternoon in edgartown,

and eating some delicious frozen yogurt,

we hopped on our bikes and headed back to oak bluffs.

along the way we stopped at a beach

to enjoy the beautiful weather and skip stones into the ocean.

we got back to oak bluffs for an early dinner at the sidecar café.

i had the lobster mac & cheese.

can you say yum? goodness gracious, it was good.

peter and i both had a glass of locally brewed beer as well.

[which was also surprisingly good]

after dinner we took the ferry back over to falmouth.

this is macdougall's - it was started by my father-in-law's uncle.

tuesday was our only rainy day of the trip,

but we explored falmouth and woods hole anyway.

we drove around falmouth heights,

and then out to woods hole.

this is a different house, but this property is
where my father-in-law grew up.

peter used to play on this playground [in woods hole]

as a kid after going to the aquarium with his grandparents.

stop sign in woods hole -- made me laugh

we watched the seal feeding at the woods hole aquarium

before seeing the rest of it.

one of their two seals is blind

because he was attacked by a shark when he was young.

after the aquarium we walked around woods hole,

ate lunch, and got a couple souvenirs.

then we hiked out to "the knob,"

another place peter used to visit as a kid.

it started raining after our mini hike, and since there

wasn't much more we could do indoors

we slowly worked our way back to the airport

with a few stops along the way.

we stopped briefly in plymouth to see

plymouth rock and the mayflower ship.

we made the best of tuesday since the weather didn't entirely cooperate, and for the most part we enjoyed ourselves. the biggest negative of the whole trip was trying to get home.

there was a tropical storm blasting nyc at the time, and we were flying through jfk to get home. so, instead of getting into charlotte at 11:30 p.m., we got in about 2 a.m. and didn't make it to bed until around 3 in the morning.

on the plus side, the extra time at the airport did give me time to have a delicious spinach and mushroom pizza from wolfgang puck express, AND get my first pumpkin spice latte of the season.

and that was our trip.

it's crazy how fast it flew by...

boston. en images.

2011-09-14T23:07:00.001-04:00

i went through my pictures from our trip to massachusetts today. i picked my favorites to share with you. and then i discovered that there are 76 of them. so.

i decided to split it up into two posts. part 1 is boston. part 2 is martha's vineyard and falmouth.

we had a lot of fun on our trip. much of what we did i didn't even take pictures of because those things weren't particularly conducive to photographs.

anyway, without further ado...

friday afternoon, once we arrived in boston,

we spent some time just walking around and getting a feel for the city.

we stopped in the old north church --

"one if by land, and two if by sea"

friday evening we headed to the museum of fine arts,

and spent a few hours there.

it was especially interesting because they had more asian art

than any other museum i've ever visited.

we were blessed to stay in the apartment of a friend while in boston.

this was our view from the 20th floor:

saturday morning we took a tour of fenway park.

then we walked over to cambridge.

on and around m.i.t.'s campus

then we took the T up to harvard.

we were planning on heading to the aquarium,

but the line was ridiculously long.

so we walked through beacon hill instead.

sunday morning we started off with cannoli from mike's pastry.

then we took an historical walking tour around the city

boston commons

john hancock's grave

paul revere's grave

site of the boston massacre

after the tour we went down to the JFK museum,

and then back up to cambridge.

first stop: toscanini's ice cream

we also stopped by a shop on our way up to

see a men's soccer game at harvard.

instead of switching lines on the T after the game

we opted to walk back along the water to the apartment.

site of griffin's wharf -- where the boston tea party took place.

we learned a lot, and saw a lot in boston. we had a fabulous time exploring the city, and finding our way around. we also had a lot of good food. i had a lot of good sea food. in fact, my favorite meal while in boston was at nico's italian restaurant in the north end. it was a risotto with scallops, and it was absolutely divine!

part two will be up tomorrow.

hope you had a fabulous day.

m.i.a.

2011-09-12T14:51:00.000-04:00

i know, i know, i have been completely m.i.a. for the past week and a half. but that's because we were on vacation, and then on vacation -- sort of.

{via www.formerfatguyblog.com}

first, we went to boston to celebrate our anniversary. we had a great time. [i will post pictures soon. i need to unload some of my old pictures onto our external hard drive so i can fit all the new ones onto my laptop. and naturally, the hard drive is at home. and we aren't yet.] anyway, we were only home for about 24 hours after getting back from boston [at 2 a.m. i might add] before heading up to pittsburgh.

{via nursing.accessnurses.com}

we came up now because peter's company has a job up here, and he's working on site with the guys. so it remains vacation for me, and work, work, work for him. this job keeps getting extended, but for an indefinite amount of time. the most definite we have at this point is that we'll be leaving tomorrow. yesterday he thought it might be today, and at the beginning of the trip we thought it was going to be sunday.

c'est la vie -- more time with family for me!

{via rachelnico.wordpress.com}

the weather up here has been great. i've even gotten a couple runs in -- i forgot how hilly pittsburgh is. i love it though. love, love, love it.

how have you been this september?

happy monday!

cinq, funf, cinco, five

2011-09-02T08:41:00.000-04:00

five years ago today i married my best friend.

"there's nothing fancy 'bout the way i love you,

it's nothing you could not find with any other man,

there's nothing fancy 'bout the way i love you

but i love you as hard as i can,

there's no good reason for the way you love me,

but you're my walking dream come true

there's no good reason for the way you love me,

but i thank God that you do."

-dave barnes, nothing fancy

five years into the rest of my life, and i still love you. today and always.

thanks for loving me.

happy fifth anniversary.

far more than sparrows

2011-08-31T14:01:00.000-04:00

even before i begin i know that this is one of the hardest posts i've ever written. i hardly know how to begin.

a few months ago, in another post, i alluded to a third tattoo that i had been wanting. yesterday i got that tattoo. and thus, it's time to tell the story behind it.

when i got my second tattoo i didn't think i would get another one. i had ideas of others, but i thought i was done. i was in the midst of the story - and in a way i still am. but we'll get to that...

sometimes, people say things that will change your life forever.

"we're getting divorced"

"jimmy died"

"i'm sorry, she didn't make it"

"that's not normal"

"will you marry me?"

"i'm pregnant"

this story revolves around the last of these. it starts about 3 years ago [2 years and 10 months to be exact] when peter and i took a trip to europe. we had been married for a little over 2 years, and we wanted to take a big trip, just the two of us, before we had a family.

so that was the plan - go to europe, come home, start trying to have a baby. in our minds and plans we'd be parents before the close of 2009. but that wasn't the case.

after a year - in the fall of 2009 - we started having tests done. and the doctors found nothing wrong. everything looked good. everything was as it should be, but things continued on just as they had. no problems. and no pregnancy.

then, about a year ago, came one of the happiest days of my life. tears of joy and disbelief started in my eyes as two solid pink lines stared up at me. it actually happened! we're finally going to be parents!

at that time peter was working from home, so i walked two rooms over and presented him with the test, throwing an "i'm pregnant" in for good measure. we celebrated. we prayed. we thanked God for answering our long prayed prayers.

i called my family members who all live out of state, made a doctor's appointment, and over the next few days we told peter's in-town family. only our immediate families and our closest friends knew anything was going on -- they were the only ones who had known all along. and until we knew everything was as it should be we weren't going to share. not until the end of the first trimester.

but we never made it to the end of the first trimester.

on the heels of one of the best days of my life came the worst day of my life. just over a week after the celebrations commenced, and a day after we received this package in the mail from my brother's family:

i woke up with a feeling of dread. i had cramps. i was bleeding. and we weren't at home. despite a phone call or two, and reassuring text messages that those things happen, and it would be okay...

it wasn't.

i called the doctor.

we went to the ER.

and amidst many tears we told them what was happening.

they took blood, and did some tests.

they sent us home at the end of the night and told us it was a "possible miscarriage." but i knew what was happening. i had lost too much blood.

two days later we went to the doctor to confirm what i already knew.

there was no longer a baby.

we made the necessary phone calls. i spent days in bed waking only to cry, forced to eat meals brought to us by a few who knew what happened.

i was numb. i only knew how to cry.

i was mad at God.

i asked "why?" more times than i could ever hope to count.

i was mad at some of the people who did know who said the worst possible thing:

"at least you know you can get pregnant"

it's not consoling, comforting, or encouraging.

all it does is remind me of the process, and the fact that i was.

this last year has probably been the hardest of my life.

people ask how long we've been married, and immediately follow with:

"when are you going to have kids?"

and i truthfully tell them -- i don't know.

[side note: don't ask that question. just don't ask. if it's any of your business, you'll know.]

what i don't tell them is that i don't know if i can.

and every time i get asked that question -

it reminds me of that. that i don't know if i'll ever have children.

we've tried other things this year, all to no avail.

so now, we're looking at the adoption process.

so. why the tattoo?

in the midst of all of this i came across a passage in matthew.

a reminder that i needed. that i need.

are not two sparrows sold for a penny?

yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father's care.

and even the very hairs on your head are all numbered.

don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

matthew 10:29-31

not one sparrow falls to the ground outside of the Father's care.

not.

one.

sparrow.

every time i see the feather on my arm i think of that passage. i remember that God is sovereign. and though, almost a year later, i still don't understand why i lost a baby, or why parenthood is so elusive, that doesn't negate God's control of the situation.

it doesn't mean that he doesn't hurt with me, and cry with me. my lack of understanding does not change his mercy, his grace, or his sovereignty.

i truly believe that sometimes we have to come to the end of ourselves before we will hold on to God with both hands.

i know i've linked to this before, but i can't sum up what i'm feeling right now any better than this song:

would you dare to believe

that you still have a reason to sing?

'cause the pain that you've been feeling

can't compare to the joy that's coming.

the pain that you've been feeling

is just the hurt before the healing.

the pain that you've been feeling

is just the dark before the morning.

-josh wilson, before the morning

perusing and planning

2011-08-30T11:36:00.000-04:00

i spent the entirety of yesterday morning looking up shops and restaurants for our trip to boston. i brought my coffee and breakfast into the office right after i woke up, and proceeded to peruse old magazines and trip advisor - reading reviews, and making lists.

this was my world for about 4 hours:

this week is jam-packed full of craziness and goodness alike. in fact, the next few weeks should be sufficient in both.

today i'm running errands to pick up a few things for our trip, and getting ridiculously excited about the taste of fall we're sure to experience in massachusetts. [according to weather.com the weather will range from about 60-75ish while we're there. how perfect is that??]

we plan to go to the museum of fine arts,

{via concierge.com}

take a tour of fenway,

{via mlb.mlb.com}

walk around the campuses of MIT and harvard,

MIT campus
{via web.mit.edu}

harvard campus
{via free-hd-video.info}

visit the aquarium,

{via trekaroo.com}

do the freedom trail,

{via web.mit.edu}

and see the JFK library.

{via www.concierge.com}

oh, and do some shopping, eat at some fantastic restaurants [lots and lots of seafood for yours truly...], and generally walk around and see the city.

we'll also get to visit martha's vineyard [as long as irene didn't annihilate it] and do a day tour of falmouth on the cape, where my father-in-law grew up.

to make things just a smidge better -- we've been generously offered a condo to stay in for [wait for it...] FREE while in boston, AND if all goes as planned i'll be able to get my first pumpkin spice latte of the season before we leave.

LOVE it!

woot! woot!

this friday morning

2011-08-26T13:01:00.000-04:00

i spent this friday morning journaling, breakfasting, and catching up on project runway. i also threw in some reading for good measure.

yesterday i packed everything into the end of the day. i did not accomplish much in the morning, but had a jam-packed evening. so much so, that i wasn't quite ready to go to sleep last night, and ended up staying up too late. c'est la vie.

[it may have also had a little bit to do with the fact that i had 2 cups of coffee after 4pm. maybe. i'm not quite sure...]

anyway, last night took us to the home of some friends for dinner. it was great to hang out with them and with their kiddos. they live in concord, and after dinner we took a lovely walk into downtown concord, and stopped at the cabarrus creamery for dessert.

{cabarruscreamery.com}

i opted for the pear sorbet, and it was delicious. delicious!

i ate mine too fast to take a picture, but a good representation!
{via www.cooking-ez.com}

their house is fabulous, and as we drove home peter and i talked about houses, and decor, and i thought of different projects i've been wanting to do.

we've been talking a lot about houses, and ideal this-and-that for the last few weeks. we're not looking to move yet, and probably won't be for a while, but it's still nice to dream. to catalogue those things i would do if we had _______.

i'm not one to turn down inspiration, so i may have to start on a few projects soon. oh, and speaking of projects...

this is the finished product of the project i was working on earlier in the week:

i found the idea on pinterest. i do have before pictures somewhere, but forgot to upload them. anyway, you start with clear, glass vases, and use acrylic paint. paint the inside, let them dry overnight, and you have a lovely, cohesive display! the green one turned out a little darker than i would have liked, but overall i was happy with the finished product.

and the best part? the total cost for this project, since i already had acrylic paint, was about $2.65.

and with that --

happy, happy friday!

paris & patience

2011-08-25T23:55:00.001-04:00

i started julia child's "my life in france" today. i wasn't even through the introduction before i got carried away to paris in my mind.

paris is such a fantastic city, and every time i think of it i want to go back. for as much as i want to move home to pittsburgh one day, i would not turn down a chance to live in france for a few years...

outside of my nostalgia, the beginning of the book also made me realize that i lack patience. i think my life needs to be on a set course now. that i must be wasting my life away somehow if i don't know for sure what comes next. but look at julia child. she was 34 when she got married and 36 when she arrived in france. at that point she didn't know how to cook much of anything, and yet the name julia child is synonymous with cooking.

i have this obsession with wanting to know what's coming, with being in control [which is really just a farce anyway]. i want to know what is going to happen, and yet there have been many times when people didn't discover the gift that defined them until later in life.

i'm quite sure that had you told a 34 year old julia child, or a 44 year old paul child [paul was ten years older than julia...] that julia would become a world-famous cook they both would have laughed in your face. and yet, that's what happened.

julia and paul child
{via www.vanityfair.com}

the thing is, we don't know. we can't know.

no matter what happens it will never be what you expected, even in those rare circumstances where life goes just as you planned. even then it never turns out quite how you thought it would.

i tend to get into ruts where i think i've somehow ruined everything by failing to do something. but at the end of the day, i either believe that God has the whole world in his hand, or i don't. i either believe that God can use my mistakes, failures, misgivings, and faults, and still make it okay. or i don't.

maybe one day, when i'm forty i'll be something i never expected. because who knows? the bottom line is: i don't have it all figured out.

i think it's high time i started enjoying that a little bit more...
the not knowing.
the grace.
the love.
the rest.

and i rest in the shelter of your love

and i rest in the wonder of your grace

and i rest in the shelter of your love

and i rest in the wonder of you.

-switchfoot's "rest"

sometimes i think...

2011-08-24T13:27:00.000-04:00

...i underestimate myself. but then again, sometimes i think i overestimate myself.
so maybe i do neither. maybe how i think about myself is right on target.
but that thought is laughable.
how many of us think accurately about our own self?
truly?

and how many of us look around on a daily basis and notice
someone whose head has grown incredibly large for no reason at all?
on the flip side are those people who are geniuses, but no one ever told them so.
so they make their way through life without living up to their potential.

sometimes i think i overanalyze every single situation.
[and then my hubby confirms my suspicion.]
i get so caught up in my own head,
but i do not understand.
how can the world be so backwards?

why is it so hard for me to be happy for someone else
when they have what i want? what i want, but i cannot have...
maybe that's why.
because i cannot have it.
shouldn't i be happy for them anyway?
because something happy deserves happiness.

i'm trying so hard not to try so hard.
this song lyric from canon blue is stuck in my head.
isn't that the way it goes, though?

what happens when you over-think it?
you get lost inside your own head,
trying hard not to try so hard.

and then you end up trying so hard that you
crash and burn.

and what you want is farther away than it
ever was before.

it's just like anything else.
look at something for what it is.
do not cheapen yourself by groveling.
or by sacrificing more than it's worth.

you wouldn't pay $1,000 for a knock-off
because it's not the real thing.

don't settle for a cheap imitation.
don't settle for being less
when you could be so much more.

"so God created man in his own image,

in the image of God he created him;

male and female he created them."

-genesis 1:27 [esv]

winding down

2011-08-23T22:38:00.002-04:00

it's late august and summer winds down. students down here have, at most, two days left before the buses start coming through neighborhoods, bells start ringing, and books are lugged home and back again.

fall sports started up weeks ago, and finally, finally!, the weather has started [ever-so-slightly] to realize that we've almost made it to september. this morning it was below 70℉ at a respectable time of morning for the first time in i don't know how long.

i left the screen door open when sending bexley outside and relished the cool air streaming into the house. immediately my mind got wrapped up in all things fall.

this afternoon i caught up with one of my former students, who is now engaged and planning her wedding. it had been a while since we had a chance to talk, so it was good to hear about everything going on in her life.

outside of that there wasn't a whole lot happening today. i started working on a mini craft project this evening before dinner, but got frustrated with the progress, and had to take a break to make dinner so you'll just have to wait until later for the photos. i'm hoping they turn out well, but we shall see. sometimes paint doesn't quite behave itself. [and that's the only hint you're getting...]

it seems like summer winding down is closing a chapter somehow, but i'm not sure why. our boston trip will kick off many trips from now until the end of the year - one for our anniversary, one for work/to see family, one for a wedding, and a few over the holidays. we will not be at home for every weekend of any month until january or february. it's pretty crazy when you think about it like that.

anyway, as summer comes to an end it also means that steelers season begins. i saw this you tube video on facebook today. it got me super excited for this season. [be warned, the song used is not the "radio edit" version. and in case you were wondering, i have a lot of favorite parts, but the first of them comes around 1:14.]

HERE

GO!

525,600 minutes

2011-08-21T22:56:00.001-04:00

"how do you measure a year in the life?"

[have you ever seen rent?]

this weekend i have been thinking a lot about seasons. this is not just because i want the weather to turn to fall, and kids to go back to school, and to stop needing to shave my legs every other day. sure, i love snuggling in under blankets in the evenings with a piping hot mug of apple cider. i love those fleeting weeks when we can crack open the windows without the heat, or the a/c. but those things are just happy by products.

{via frenchgardenhouse.com}

i like seasons because they bring change. by the end of summer i'm so very sick of it. sick of the hot, sticky, nasty, sweaty....you get the idea. but the cool nights of fall bring a welcome change. the changing of the seasons reminds me of God's character. he could have created a world that does not have seasons. one that doesn't remind us every single year of the cycle of life, but he didn't. and while it would still be good, i would take it for granted so much more than i do now.

which basically means, i would fail to give thanks for anything. how much more do i appreciate a tree when it's blooming in the spring, green in the summer, red in the fall, and snow-covered in the winter? and as someone who loves clothes, and shoes [we cannot forget the shoes...] i love changing from one season to the next. from breezy tanks, shorts, and lots of easy dresses, with sandals, and espadrilles to layers, and sweaters, and wool pants, with tights, and pumps, and boots. from a bikini and rainbows to jeans, jackets, and scarves.

{via questgarden.com}

as much as i enjoy the seasonal changes i have also been contemplating the life changes going on around me. kids are moving from preschool to kindergarten, from elementary to middle school, middle school to high school, high school to college, college to real life. some of the students i had as high schoolers are even starting to get engaged, and plan their weddings, and thus the rest of their lives.

it's so strange. strange to think about the different chapters of life, and how each one of them, without exception, sneaks up on you. or at least, they have successfully sneaked up on me.

at every point i have thought something to the effect of -- i have no idea what i'm doing, and/or i don't feel old enough for this.

i cannot believe my 10 year high school reunion is this school year. i cannot believe peter and i got married five years ago [well, almost - what's a week and a half?]. i thought i would have so much more figured out by the time i got to this point in my life.

in a way it's funny because every day i feel as if i have less figured out, not more. and i have a feeling that will only continue as i get older. and in a weird way as i understand less, i appreciate more.

"five hundred twenty five thousand

six hundred minutes

five hundred twenty five thousand

moments so dear.

five hundred twenty five thousand

six hundred minutes

how do you measure,

measure a year?"

-RENT

productivity is a dirty word

2011-08-18T23:13:00.000-04:00

no, i don't think it's a good idea to waste time and resources. but, that said, we [or maybe it's just me?] place far too much emphasis on checking a whole bunch of things off the list on any given day.

full disclosure: sometimes at the end of the day, my to do list looks kinda like this:

do 2 loads of laundry
clean bathroom
research for business
fill out tax ID forms
~~update blog~~
~~eat breakfast~~
~~eat lunch~~
~~shower~~
~~walk the dog~~

and suddenly, i've completed more than half the things on my to-do list. crazy how that works!

i thrive on accomplishment. there are things that i do not because i enjoy doing them, but because of the enjoyment i get when i look back and survey the accomplishment.

it's terribly hard for me to spend an entire day on one thing -- not because i cannot focus for that long, but because if i only do one big thing, it still somehow seems less than doing a whole bunch of little things.

the past few days i have gotten things done, but i still feel like there is simply not enough time in the day, and no matter what i did, i should have done a little bit more.

one thing that i've thought about a lot over the past month or two is the difference between doing and being. our culture is all about doing. [and as you can see, i usually am too.] but there is something to being in the moment, to concentrating on the present. lately, i have tried ever-so-slightly more to be in the present. i fail more times than i can count, but i'm slowly getting better.

i've noticed that personally i have to purposefully refocus myself. i need to stop every once in a while and pay attention to the things around me. i need to take a moment to give thanks for it.

life is a tricky thing. and i have no idea what will happen next.

but for once, i think that's okay.

and with that,

i'll say good night.

bee.tee.dubs

2011-08-16T18:50:00.000-04:00

good evening. how has life treated you today? i have been up, down, and all around. i spent hours with a few other ladies discussing "the shack" during our final book club meeting for the summer, and still more hours in front of my computer, curating the future. for most of the day i listened to canon blue's new album on repeat. [you should check it out: http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/rumspringa/id452145487]

now bexley and i are watching the sun sink a little lower, as we're serenaded by the musical stylings of eddie vedder. i'm also, quite unexpectedly, trying to figure out what i should do with my now wide open night.

peter called a little bit ago to tell me that he will be very late tonight. like, possibly middle of the night late. so, my dilemma is this: do i still make the homemade mac & cheese with bacon {via the book of one clinton kelly} alongside green beans for dinner like i planned? or do i whip up something different, something less, since i'm feeding no one but me?

decisions, decisions...

despite a few bumps in the road, i enjoyed today. unfortunately, i didn't get a in a workout due to the pain in my "good" ankle from our soccer game last night, but thankfully it is starting to feel a little better now.

i'm counting the small blessings today:

the lower low temps overnight which make for much nicer mornings
the time for discussion and understanding of new ideas and perspectives
the enjoyment i get from finally being able to braid my hair again

taking the time each day to read & write
the piles of books we have on our shelves
the peace i find from routine and structure
gifts brought to me from abroad [thanks kelly!]

a messy kitchen due to good use
altering dreams instead of killing them
a little jewelmint sparkle

{via jewelmint.com}

abundance
hope
the WASTEFULNESS of GRACE
baby steps

we'll make it one day

*wink*

notes on a weekend

2011-08-15T09:36:00.000-04:00

this weekend took us down to kiawah island, outside of charleston, sc. we got to spend some good time with some of my extended family in a fabulous house about a quarter mile from the beach. the pool at the house treated us quite well too.

i realized as we were leaving sunday morning that i hadn't taken any pictures, which is why there are no people in any of them...

after leaving the house peter and i stopped in downtown charleston, and walked around battery park, rainbow row, waterfront park, and up and down king street. i only snapped a few pictures during our walk, but i think they speak to the charm of charleston.

on the way to and from charleston peter and i had a couple big, important discussions. one of which was basically "168 hours". if you've never done this it goes like this: you have 168 hours in a week. you should sleep for 8 hours a night, so you lose 56 hours right there, and on it goes subtracting out all of your responsibilities. according to this exercise i should have 7.5 hours of free time every week. if i manage my time well. if...

this morning i got off to a good start. i was up bright and early to head over to the garage and pick up my car.

peter has to be at work by 7, so we had to leave by 6:45. i don't remember the last time i saw 6:45, let alone 6:00, but this loveliness made me rethink my normal routine:

for whatever reason sunrises [more than sunsets] always remind me of nahum 1:3b:

"[the Lord's] way is in whirlwind and storm,

and the clouds are the dust of his feet."

and with that,

it's time to get to work.

morning reminders

2011-08-11T08:47:00.000-04:00

this morning i was up early [for me] so i could go for a run before we head to the beach. while cooling down i was catching up on the blogs i follow, and i came across this anne lamott quote - posted by candace:

"I think perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough, hitting each stepping-stone just right, you won't have to die. The truth is that you will die anyway and that a lot of people who aren't even looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you, and have a lot more fun while they're doing it."

for one such as myself who tends toward perfectionism, this is an important reminder. sometimes you need a bit of reckless abandon to remember what the fullness of anything feels like. it's far too simple to worry about everything, and worry gets you nowhere but sleep-deprived.

after reading the above quote i went in search of more anne lamott quotes. she happens to be one of my favorite writers because she challenges the paradigm of what it means to be saved by grace, and where that grace "should" lead. [i digress -- this is a whole other discussion]

in any case, i found a handful of other quotes by her, but none hit me so hard as this one:

"I do not understand the mystery of grace -- only that it meets us where we are and does not leave us where it found us."

there are a lot of things in this world that do not make any sense.

i for one, am extremely grateful that grace is one of them.

happy early weekend!

toast café & tolstoy

2011-08-10T12:30:00.000-04:00

these two things made up my day yesterday along with a little bit of soccer thrown in for good measure.

toast café is a fantastic little place up in davidson, and i got to have brunch there with one of my favorite girls yesterday. we had a lot of catching up to do, and good food only added to the conversation.

{via toastcafeonline.com}

when i got home i cracked open a book as a way to procrastinate and not do a few of the boring things that i should have done. having recently finished dickens' pickwick papers i opted for tolstoy this time, and started anna karenina, which has been patiently waiting on my bookshelf for a while now.

{via schoolworkhelper.net}

i hesitated to start this book because i am not a fan of dostoyevsky's crime and punishment, and he is the only other russian author whom i have read. however, i have hardly been able to put anna karenina down. in truth i have already completed part one even though i only started it yesterday afternoon.

the dichotomy of the underlying themes, which are already making themselves known, have drawn me in and will not let me go. this may be the fastest 940 pages i ever read in my life! we shall see.

and now i must go attend to all the things i procrastinated on yesterday...

happy wednesday!

this monday morn... er, afternoon

2011-08-08T15:35:00.001-04:00

well, i missed friday without quite thinking about it. i felt a little off all last week, and the feeling has not entirely gone away. but it's time to move on and do something regardless of that.

so, in lieu of "this friday morning" here's my monday stream of consciousness for you...

fashion is a tease
all of the magazines have fall clothes in them now
but it's still 100℉ in charlotte
it's okay though
i already bought my first pair of boots for the season
and in all likelihood my only pair
[okay, peter? my only pair this season...]
i'm also itching to wear my new red skinnies from urban outfitters
i got those this past weekend on tax-free weekend here in nc
sadly, tax-free weekend irks me
it makes me think of the lack of clothing taxes in pa
and makes me want to move home
local natives = my soundtrack for the day
i had coconut sorbet for lunch today
clearly, i need to go to the grocery store
we're heading to the beach this weekend
i'm quite excited to see, and catch up with, two of my cousins, their families, and my uncle
we watched the fighter last night
it was good
and if you don't mind f-bombs, i recommend it
christian bale deserved his oscar, in my humble opinion
of course i'm kind of a fan of his anyway
so i may be a tad biased
t minus 4 days til the steelers preseason opener
HERE WE GO!
enough non-sequiturs for you?

how's your monday?