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hold on with both hands

i know that recently i haven't been giving many updates on our life or our adoption process. it's mostly because it seemed anticlimactic to send out updates. we're busy with mundane things, but not much else is happening.

but today is a little bit different.

i need to back up and start a few years ago. back when we were battling infertility and i was battling with God. back then i wrote about holding onto God with both hands. so many times i hold on to all the stuff with one hand, and try to hold on to him with the other.

i try to bring my stuff with me and keep some semblance of control, but i don't need to hold on to the stuff. God can hold it all. he knows what i need and don't need. he knows what i need to let go.
he writes the story.
so i have to let go of my wants, and expectations, and trust that he knows what's best.

back then i came to the realization that i wanted to have a baby more than i wanted what God had for me. i had to let go of my plans and …

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