if i'm being really honest...

the past couple of days have been emotionally rough. last night i just wanted to sit and have a good cry - just because. but peter was out of town, and the kids chose last night to be their - up again and again and again and again night.
so, no good cry was had.

adoption has me a bit overwhelmed. i started worrying about it. i started worrying about the profile. i started worrying about our child. i started crying while thinking about the expectant parents. and i kept crying as i thought about the women and the couples who want a baby and for some reason just don't have one yet.

i started worrying about the logistics, about the details. i'm deciding if i'm still going to coach this year, and i started worrying about that. i started worrying about timing.

i started worrying.
that was the real problem.

most of august has been and will be crazy this year. there are a bunch of overlaps of things starting when others haven't fully finished up.

i'm re-evaluating a lot of things in light of both of our kids going to preschool this fall, and our hopes and plans to adopt within the next year.

but the problem is mostly that i'm trying to take over. i'm trying to take control. i'm trying to move things along at my speed.

and that's usually when things fall apart. that's usually when i keep myself up until 1:00 in the morning with too many thoughts running around inside of my head.

that's usually when i have to remind myself to take deep breaths, and lecture my kids for too long when they've done something that drives me crazy.

we've been talking so much about adoption because we want our biological kids to be ready for it {as much as one can be ready for a new sibling}. and we should talk about it. but there are also new & exciting things going on in their lives right now.

there are things that i don't want to miss. i don't want to be so tired from worrying about what's coming next that i miss these days right in front of me.

i talked to a friend of mine last week whose youngest kids are in high school. she has always been great about reminding me that things come in stages. and while i told her how i was getting some time away this summer, she laughed. she laughed because she has to work to find a time for her whole family to be together.

there are great things about all of the stages. i don't want to get so lost in one - especially in the next one - if it makes me lose sight of the good stuff right now.

if i'm being really honest i'm pretty terrible about controlling things. i'm pretty terrible about doing things on my own.

i try to all the time, but i suck at it.

i think that's mostly because i was never meant to do it all on my own.

i'm called to walk with God. walk. with. him.
it's all going to happen in his timing anyway.

thank you for praying for us through this process!
we are so so grateful.

xoxo

Comments

  1. I kept your sweet son in Sunday School last week. I was sitting with a few asking if they had brothers or sisters. He said, "I have a sister and I have new baby coming. We are adopting!" He said with such pride. You are doing a great job! My youngest is now 20. I, too, remind young mothers that there are good times and harder times but they are all phases. And, even in the harder phases, you have to remind yourself about the good no matter how tired. It will pass but so do the mostly sweet phases. Try to relentlessly focus on the present. I am always at my worst when I go to control mode. The truth is it's mostly out of fear. A wise Christian counselor told me that although it's natural to parent from a fear place, it is never where God would have you parent from. The good news is that every day, really every minute allows a new opportunity to refocus!!

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    1. thank you Sallie! i meant to reply sooner, but my phone wasn't letting me! so true - i try to control things out of fear of what might happen if i don't. i'm trying to "be like God" and think i know what's best even when it's clear that i don't. i appreciate you and your words of wisdom!!

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