while eating oreos

every time i've tried to write over the course of the last few weeks i've ended up sounding like a debbie-downer. i think maybe that's because i've been focusing too much on the fact that 2020 has been a bit of a life-sucking b that's throwing life as we knew it into the bin {yes, i know i'm not british, but it just sounds so much better than trash.}

i also have been trying {read: failing} to manage and help my kids through the chaos of repetition that their lives have become over the last few months. and honestly? i have good days and bad days, and though i hate to admit that my husband is often right, my kids' attitudes very often reflect my own. this means that when we spiral, we all spiral together into one giant yelling, crying, whining, fit-pitching mess. it's a blast. yay for quarantine!

on a slightly different note - have you ever heard the saying that cleaning the house with your kids around is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos? because that is my reality right now. i feel like i should just follow behind them all day and clean stuff up. 

don't worry - i don't. i wait until multiple rooms look like they've been hit by three mini-tornadoes then i look around and start barking at everyone to clean everything up. i get mad. the kids get upset. it's lots of fun.

it's all a little bit harder because i've also had less time to process things. much of this is probably my own fault. because at the end of the day, i'm kind of high-maintenance. i need to get workouts in or i go crazy. so i get up early and workout most days. but i also need time to really process things mentally. that's where the writing comes in. but, my writing time has been severely lacking lately. i think this is mostly because i'm choosing between writing, talking with my husband, reading some paradigm-shifting books, getting enough sleep - which still doesn't happen most of the time - and actually interacting with my kids. yes, there are times where i can multi-task and there have been a lot of times that i've really enjoyed during this time. it's just a lot on my mind. it's just a big list of all the things in the "i should be doing this" category. all the time. 

and i kind of feel like my whole life is brushing my teeth while eating oreos. it seems like no matter what i'm doing i'm also doing {or should be doing} something else. i try to throw it all together and i end up with some nasty-tasting toothpaste encrusted cookie crumbs in my mouth wrecking my teeth and resulting in multiple dentist appointments that end up taking more of the time that i feel like i'm already lacking. 

{did i take it too far? are you still with me, or do you think i'm actually going to the dentist? just checking.}

i think for too much of my life i've been trying to get to the end. i'm trying to get to the point that i've arrived. i've been trying to arrive at the happily ever after point, and somehow got duped into thinking that happily ever after was something static. but how boring and completely false is that?

if i don't keep adapting to life and  g r o w i n g  then i'm screwed. and lately, i've been failing at life. i've been failing because i'm letting all of the "shoulds" run {and frankly, ruin,}my life. i haven't been listening to my body. i haven't been tuned in to what my kids actually need, i've been pushing what i think they should need and what i think they should do. 

maybe that's overly dramatic. 

maybe ruin is too strong of a word? 

but then again, maybe not. 

this is all the time i've got, after all. 

who knows what tomorrow will bring?

and i think that's part of {or maybe most of} what makes this whole quarantine thing hard. 

there's a lack of connection with other people. we're trying to make decisions based on what we're hearing from "reputable sources" while all of the reputable sources are becoming less reputable by the minute, and are all reporting different numbers and different reports about the impending doom {or lack thereof in some cases} coming from this pandemic. 

{on a related note, peter and i have talked about starting a new newspaper called the radish that has actual fact-based news. “it’s like the onion, but it’s real.” but i digress.} 

so we're left to our own devices {literally - usually the ones in our hands all the time}, constantly second-guessing the truth about whether or not our kids and our families will be safe if we choose to live our lives outside of our own homes. every state and educational institution is sitting in a state of limbo trying to make decisions about whether or not schools should be socially distanced when they start back up again and how to protect our children from the joy they get from playing, learning, and having normal interaction.

ok, yes, i'm jaded. i know there are very good reasons why people are making these suggestions, but i'm also fairly confident that the people making these recommendations should also realize what they're talking about limiting for kids. i think they need to think through the potential long-term effects of what it would mean to limit interaction, what it would mean to limit play. and frankly, how is my kindergartener going to learn to read if she needs to wear a mask to school? it's kind of tough to work on articulating and sounds when her mouth is muffled by a mask.

sometimes i think that in doing our best to think of everything we've sacrificed our common sense.

i know that everyone is doing their best, but too much of this has also become about something besides the virus. too much of it has devolved into politics and name-calling like so much else in our national rhetoric.

but as a sidenote - there's also a reason why extremely capable and competent people largely don't want to run for office.

and this is just about the pandemic. we haven't even scratched the surface of what's going on at a deeper level in our nation. 

honestly, there's not a whole lot that i'm going to say on that front. and that is simply because i've just started to do the work. as i've started to peel back the layers i'm confident in saying that i don't understand what poc experience on a daily basis. i'm trying to learn. and i do think we all need to try to learn to understand other people. i think that's part of what it means to love our neighbors. listening with no agenda. it doesn't mean we cannot be a thinking people. in fact, it means just the opposite. listen to people who are different than you are. listen to people with different experiences. and think about it. really actually think about it. be vulnerable enough to hear a perspective different from your own and think it through. if you disagree, then at least you know what you're disagreeing with, right?

there's so much to process right now. and there's a lot of work to be done on many fronts. and i'm realizing that in many areas it's a life's work. 

it's about a whole life. not a day. not a week. not even a year. yes, there are chapters and phases, but learning and growing don't fit into phases. they have to continue my whole life long.

xoxo