still blue

one morning i went for a walk and heard a bird singing in the trees. 

early.

5:59 to be exact. 

he was up and at 'em, wondering why the world around him continued to sleep. 

he refused to silence his voice despite the darkness.

it didn't matter that no one answered his call.

he just sang. 

he was made to sing

so he sang. 

sometimes i think these brains of ours hold us back from knowing.

i wonder if the thinking part of us holds us back from something we know intuitively if we'd just allow the dots to connect without getting in the way.

if we just stopped analyzing.

that bird sang because he's a bird and he was created with a voice.

no one had to teach him to use it.

last night i sat in the living room

watching the sky fade in the twilight. 

if it had been on a wall i'd have called it gray,

but not with the last golden rays of the sun seeping out of it.

no, it was blue. 

still blue.

this week has been both trying and life-giving.

it has made me realize how quickly i fail when i try to move mountains on my own.

it has reminded me of fleeting days and times

of quickly growing arms around my neck.

of growing up and leaning in

of the pain of growing and growing pains

of how broken i am. 

and how quickly i break down when i'm trying to hold myself up all on my own.

like trusting a house of cards to a cracked foundation.

this week has reminded me how much i need Jesus. 

that i get it wrong far more often than i get it right. 

i got a flier today about my 15 year college reunion. 

we started dating more than 18 years ago.

and yet

sometimes i feel anything but strong 

or capable or

grown up. 

my six year old asked to do clay today. 

her mind astounds me.

she figured out how to make a panda necklace all on her own. she pieced it together, but messed up the nose.

i've taught her the endearing quality of throwing the baby out with the bath water so instead of attempting to fix it, she scrapped the whole thing.

eventually i started over without her - following the painstaking steps she had taken the first time. 

and she joined in.

she finished it off.

she made the nose.

we're invited in to the process. 

not because God can't fix it on his own.

but because he wants the best for us.

so he invites us in.

he lets us see.

he watches us learn.

we get to add the finishing touches.

i don't know what this season of life will look like in retrospect.

i don't know what i'm about to learn, and i'm less sure than ever that i'm fully prepared.

i'm quite sure i'm not ready, actually.

i'm not sure we ever are.

i think ready is a lie we tell the world.

ready doesn't exist.

no one is ready for any big life event.

prepared? maybe.

but not fully

not fully ready.

so am i ready to take on something new?

i don't know. probably not.

but i know God wants me at the center of his will even more than i want to be there.

seeking to follow him means going where he leads. 

one step at a time.

trusting that even failing can follow the divine plan sometimes.

if that's where he leads -

follow.

if he makes me a bird for a season, 

may i sing at the top of my voice because that's what i was put here to do.

it may be for now and not for forever

but i don't want to ask him to bless what i'm doing

i want to walk in the path he has blessed,

even if it leads to suffering.

i either trust him, or i don't.

am i willing to sing loud?

even in the dark?

xo