be here now

i feel like i've been living on a yo-yo string for the past week or two. i'm flying back and forth, stuck in perpetual motion. i move from one thought to the next - flitting around like a bumblebee, though not nearly as focused as one. things are constantly in flux {hence the yo-yo}, and i never quite feel like i've done enough.

i tried to slow down today. i sort of succeeded in that. but there were still underlying strings pulling at my conscience telling me i should be doing more. constantly more.

but then i stopped to think about tomorrow. i stopped to look at the faces of my kids - one of them particularly. because time doesn't stop. it doesn't even slow. it only seems to speed by, crashing through those of us trying to hold onto some semblance of what has already fallen into the past.

i stopped and took a picture tonight. i took a picture of the last time i'd see a six year old in the face of my daughter. because tomorrow that six year old will be gone forever. 

too often i try to rush through this life. 

today i took a little bit of time to read. not enough to fully quench 

the thirst or finish the story, but i read nonetheless. 

today i took a little bit of time to snuggle with my oldest who needed some extra love.

i took the time to hold tighter to my youngest who's under the weather and cranky.

i took the time to read a poem.

i took the time to think about creating something again, 

but it has been a while and i didn't quite know where to start.

i took the time to play a game over and over again with my son.

and to run around at the playground, all five of us together.

we took a quick walk in the woods, and came out covered in spider webs and smelling like the earth.

i did a little yoga and took some deep breaths.

the only housework i did was emptying the dishwasher and cleaning up the dinner dishes.

because time is fleeting. 

there's always work to be done. no matter how often i do it i still feel behind.

i may be kicking myself for the slow down once tomorrow comes, 

but today it felt good to be here now.

most days i'm not. 

i'm always worried about what's next. 

this is much truer since i started working because i constantly feel like i'm missing things. 

{it doesn't help that i usually am. in one realm or the other.}

there's this myth out there that if we just get to a certain stage of life that things will get easier. 

but i think that's a load of crap. 

certain things are easier at certain stages, but there are always hard parts. 

always.

some hard parts are easier than other hard parts, yes. but it's always a juggling act. it's always a choice of how we will act and react. we {and by we i mean i} walk around with this narrative of "i have to." there are a lot of things that i "have" to do. but that's false. there are a lot of things that i sign up for, and then i don't like the consequences of my own choices. 

how open is the hand with which i hold my choices? 

i know one thing - i can't do everything because even if i don't sleep i could still fill up about five years with the things i "should be" doing in just one.

but one of my beautiful girls turns 7 tomorrow. 

shame on me if i miss that.

shame on me if i spend more time with my phone or my computer than with her.

shame on me if i don't treasure the moments.

shame on me if i choose not to be here now.

my dear nugget -- i'm grateful for you every single day without fail. as you grow may you love God and love others more and more. 

don't be afraid to shine the light that's inside of you.

i love you more than you'll ever understand,

and the God of the universe loves you more than you can fathom.

xoxo