i know that nostalgia plays into it. i know that rose-colored glasses apply when looking into the past. i know that studies have been done that show we don't remember the negative things accurately - we don't remember them being as bad as they were which is part of the reason why we have the saying "the good old days."
i know all of these things. i also know that i will miss this. i love watching keane as a big brother and watching him grow and learn at an amazing rate during this time of toddlerhood. i love it. i love how fast he's learning new words. i love that he loves to help. i love how curious he is. i love how much he loves being outside - despite the many many mosquito bites he acquires. i also miss him as a baby sometimes.
that's one thing i've learned more in parenthood than at any other time in my life. to be present. in the moment.
it's tough. really tough. we're usually planning for something else, and we often think back to times in the past. neither of these things is bad in and of itself, but they do make it tough to be in the moment and be present and enjoy life for what it is day in and day out.
and it's tough to stay in the moment at days and times when you are thankful that "this too shall pass." one day adele will sleep through the night. one day keane's teeth will actually come through. this time shall pass. this time of disjointed sleep and glazed over caffeinated existence. it will pass. in some ways i will miss it. in others, i am thankful.
but it's hard to live in the tension of that. to be thankful for where we are, and at the same time want to move past it.
it's hard to want to be present, but also have goals that don't involve my kids right now. it's a constant balancing act. i have to balance between realizing that there are things that just are not going to happen right now, and also not being comfortable with getting stuck in a tiny perspective - only seeing what is right in front of my face.
i want to keep looking forward and keep dreaming if for nothing else than to help my kids realize that it's always okay to dream. they need to know that it's a good thing to have goals and to work toward something.
they need to know that learning and growing are important. they need to know that they should always push themselves to learn more, and to grow because life is not fixed. they do not just have to take what they're given - they can learn and grow and strive and push. and i want to continue to push myself as well.
i don't want to get stuck just as i don't want them to get stuck.
we all get to live in the tension.
i don't always like the tension. i'm not always fond of it. truthfully, i thought at some point it would go away. but it won't. it doesn't. it's part of life.
i can learn to be at peace with the tension - embrace the tension of this world. the now and the not yet. the balancing act.
the fact that this too shall pass, and we'll miss these times. the times that are hard. the struggles that make us strong.
i can't say that i miss the struggles i've been through, but i am thankful for the growth and the strength that they've brought.
so wherever you are, and whatever you're doing. try to be thankful. try to use it for what it is.
[and i'll try to remember this too when i'm up feeding adele at 3 a.m....]
much love to you