i'm going to shoot straight with you today. i feel like i'm running behind. truthfully i feel that way a lot of the time now, but the last few days have kicked the feeling into overdrive.
i'm still in my pajamas. both of my [napping] children are still wearing their pajamas. we stayed in our pajamas yesterday too. why? because there is a high of 28 degrees outside so we won't be venturing out today. and we're still playing catch up from our trip to pittsburgh last week.
we got home on monday evening and i still haven't unpacked my bags. the kids are unpacked. i also managed to get the house mostly in order by yesterday, but my bags full of clothes still sit next to my dresser. right next to the used-to-be folded laundry still in the basket from before our trip.
there are days when i relish this life. and there are other days when it's just hard. and the more i think about it the more i realize that every single stage of life will have moments that just suck, and other moments that will invoke a deep nostalgia when we look back on them.
i go up and down the step to our entryway many times each day. you can get to the kitchen in our house by going up and down the step, or around through the dining room. more often than not, i choose the step. more often than not, keane chooses the dining room. he's still working on going up and down a step without holding on to anything so he usually forgoes the step. this means that we regularly go around in circles trying to find each other.
day in and day out we go in circles. i suspect this will happen for a while. maybe even forever.
day in and day out i go in circles of varying degrees.
keane wakes me up. we get breakfast. i make coffee. i feed adele. he plays. she smiles. she sleeps. i heat up my coffee again. i feed adele again. i heat up my coffee. i feed keane lunch. if i'm lucky they both sleep at the same time. i eat lunch. i clean up. or write. i finally finish my coffee. i sit their monitors next to each other and listen. she wakes up. i feed her. i have a little bit of time with my girl. keane wakes up. adele goes back to sleep. keane asks for a snack. i feed adele. peter gets home from work. i make dinner. peter plays with keane. adele sleeps. we eat dinner. i feed adele. we clean the kitchen. we play with the kids. we walk the dog. keane goes to bed. [and lately, gets out of bed, is put back in bed, gets out of bed, is put back in bed, gets out of bed and cracks the door, is put back in bed....] i feed adele. we talk. i put adele to sleep. then we sleep. adele wakes me up to eat. i feed her. i sleep.
keane wakes me up.
around and around we go again.
in the meantime i try to stay on top of laundry and keep the house relatively clean. [relative to an actual pig-sty - let's not kid ourselves.]
i have also been reading anne lamott's newest book small victories, and trying to improve my french learning through an app called duolingo. i pick up a magazine every now and then and make it about two sentences into an article before i'm interrupted by one of two little voices.
i think about running far more than i actually do it right now. i think about writing. i write great books in my head, but they rarely [okay, never] make it through the keys or pen onto anything that will last more than a millisecond.
when i read anne lamott i often start writing like her. i still have my voice, but i also like hers. and i sprinkle little bits of it into my own narrative. when i read her books i feel like we could be best friends because she's so honest about her life and i feel like i'm right there experiencing the moments with her. and i want to write that way.
i want to have friends i've never met who know the story i'm living.
day in, day out.
i want people to know who i am through my writing. who i really am. without pretense or excuses.
despite the circular nature of my days i do have goals for this year. i have running goals. house goals. goals to simplify. writing goals. work goals. goals about finances. goals for my kids. [calm down - these are not crazy vicarious hopes that i'm hanging on them, but more things like: getting adele to sleep through the night; and definitively teaching keane that it is imperative to his well-being for him to both stay in his bed after bedtime, and to not bite people.]
so i keep pressing on. day in, day out.
moving the needle.
how is your beginning?