seven on the 11(th).

we had a pretty low-key day today, but there were quite a few random things so i decided to corral them with a little list...

1. look who's getting closer and closer to crawling!

2. my tiny little ring i made myself today.[see ring finger] it's the perfect complement to my huge oversized ones. [see index finger]

3. i found out about this app yesterday. i haven't entered all of my cards into it yet, but i'm pretty excited to not have to have all of them with me all the time anymore. search keyring rewards - it's free :o)

4. jess sent me this link today - it's for a free ticket to the circus for keane! i have no idea when the circus is coming to town, but it never expires, so it doesn't matter. woot! woot!

{via ringling.com}

5. i've been pining after this dress, and i'm so hoping to purchase it soon. decisions, decisions...

{via piperlime.com}

6. a couple new additions that will hopefully be added to the etsy shop later this week. [with much better photos...]

7. i've got an idea brewing for these. i hope to share it in the next week or two! and if it turns out, it'll knock all of our socks off. or mine, at least.

happy tuesday!

xo

full steam ahead

looking at our calendar this morning i realized that this past weekend was the last [and only] open weekend for the month of june. and we spent the vast majority of it talking about the future. we're trying to make a bunch of big decisions about our priorities, basically. and part of that is whether or not we'll stay in the house we're in now, or move. it's dependent on so many different things, and in many ways our decision is based more on what our priorities are as opposed to what our necessities are.

personally i've always been more detail-oriented than big-picture oriented. i can step back and look at the big picture, but my default setting is all in the details. and i also tend to be one of those people who focuses on something until it's complete, and then i move to the next thing on the list. [unless it's something i really don't want to do. then i just move it from list to list, and forever find other things that i deem "more important", cleaning may or may not be one of these perpetually listed things...] so lately this in between stage of discussion, but not yet time to make a decision, is killing me. i want to move past the big picture, and on to the details, and yet i don't have a big picture frame to fit the details into right now.

and of course, every time i start getting into the nitty gritty of any of our options [again, default setting], peter reminds me that we need to not get attached to any one option until we have all of the information we need to make a decision about which direction to go. frankly, constantly reminding myself to switch out of default mode is kind of tiring exhausting. but at the same time, i try to remember to be grateful that we have options.

anyway, in the next couple of weeks we'll have quite a few visitors, celebrate peter's first father's day, celebrate adam & becca's wedding [and ben & laura's from afar!], possibly take a short weekend trip, buy our tickets for seattle to visit jess & kev, fix up a few things around the house, harvest much of our garden, and make a decision about moving or staying as that will determine how we move forward in other areas.

we'll also have to do some further baby-proofing since keane is becoming more and more mobile. he's not crawling yet, but his rolling is getting faster and faster, and he's ever more determined to find a way to get where he wants to go.

we'll also take little man to the pool, and see how he likes the outdoor version of the "giant bathtub."

here are a few pictures from his excursion into the pool at the hotel:

hanging out with papa

and nana teaching keane how to swim - baby version :o)

it feels like there's so much going on - aren't all summers that way?

i try to take some time while keane is sleeping to relax and evaluate a little bit. time to write, and drink my coffee, and catch up on news and blogs, and you know, shower and get dressed for the day, but i also tend to admonish myself for taking that time. because there is always SO MUCH to do.

today for instance, i opted for sleep instead of getting a workout in before peter left for work, and now i'm so frustrated with myself for not getting up and getting it in because i won't have time to do so later in the day.

i'm learning more and more that so much of life is about discipline and priorities. i need to get better at both, while still figuring out how to be content with the gifts i have now. it's not about striving for the sake of ultimate fulfillment, but working toward something for the sake of betterment. and for the ability to best utilize the gifts i already have.

it's interesting to me that having keane has really brought out my appreciation of the present. of the right now. because it all goes by so fast. he's growing so much, so quickly, and he's not slowing down any time soon. so it makes me appreciate what is going on right now because i have to live in the present in order to value the strides keane has made, and continues to make on a daily basis.

i'm trying to incorporate that way of thinking into other areas too.
enjoy this moment. each moment.

with gratitude.

xo

bye bye may!

may flew by. we had so much going on that it's no surprise, but even still, i hardly believe that summer is essentially here, and we're sitting at the beginning of june.

we did so much in may that we hardly had time to breathe, let alone realize how many milestones were passing us by, and how much our little boy grew.

i cheated and took keane's 7 month pictures today because last week was a whirlwind, and we weren't home for his actual 7 month "birthday".

though he morphed into a crab for most of today - i think mostly because traveling throws him off - his angelic side came out for the photo session, so we got some pretty cute ones this time around!

you know you want to see 'em {*wink*}

i know i'm completely biased, but i think he's the cutest little monkey ever. it's especially crazy to line up all the pictures and see how much he's grown.

it's also crazy how much life has changed over the course of the last year and a half or so. our life, our conversations, our free time, our travels, everything is different.

sometimes it drives me nuts. it drives me crazy that he wakes up prematurely even though he's still exhausted and cranky. i lose perspective when there is something i really want to do, but i can't do while he's awake because of the focus it requires, or when the house is just a mess because he's teething and every time i put him down he screams. 

but then i stop and look at him. really look at him. [sometimes later, rather than earlier, but still, it always happens eventually] and i give him kisses all over his sweet face, and i snuggle him close, and i thank God for our little boy. for this long-awaited child.

i have to remind myself that even when he's being a bit ridiculous it is not because he is malicious - it's because he's gassy, or tired, or uncomfortable, or hungry, or something. 

sometimes i catch myself thinking "i can't wait until he can walk" or "i can't wait until i'm done nursing" or some other such thing. but i can wait. in many ways i want to wait. i want to slow down time, and make sure i enjoy every part of him being a baby. of his precious little laugh, of his observance of something new. i'd memorize his face the first time he ever ate each and every food. 

i took him in the pool for the first time saturday morning. peter was already in the midst of wedding prep with nathan, but keane, nana, papa, and i took a brief dip in the indoor pool at the hotel. i'll have to get pictures from nana and papa to show you, but he LOVED it! he wasn't sure what it was at first, but once he figured out it was like a giant bathtub that he could splash in, he enjoyed every second. 

i wish i could remember each moment. babyhood is far too fleeting. 

life is far too fleeting to not savor the moments we're in right now.

and on that note -

welcome to june.

xo

two.nine.

we have had quite the jam-packed little life these past few weeks. somehow i thought soccer season would allow us to slow down a bit, but contrarily it has opened up our time to do other things, and we have done a lot.

there have been many times over the course of these weeks when i wanted to sit down and write. i wanted to explore some of my thoughts more deeply, which for me entails writing it all down, but time slipped away as we attended to one thing or another.

in any case, we had a fabulous memorial day weekend. we relaxed a little bit. we worked hard sprucing up the outdoors. we talked about future plans. we worshipped with our church family. we celebrated a birthday that i've yet to believe actually happened. we enjoyed some great food, some yummy drinks, some careful spending of some birthday cash, and a baby-free trip to the movies thanks to my much-appreciated in-laws.

yes, we saw gatsby. peter relented and as part of my birthday gift from him we went out for dinner and the much-anticipated movie. i enjoyed it. it was definitely well done. it stayed pretty true to the book, though it glossed over a few things. all in all it was gatsby, just a bit... shinier. i probably wouldn't pay to see it again in theaters, but i'm glad we saw it in theaters, and i'm sure i'll watch it again once or twice when it becomes available. 

what else did i get for my birthday, you ask? here's a quick summary:

{via amazon.com}

{via coolspotters.com}
i had a pair like these that fell apart completely
because i wore them ALL.THE.TIME.
puma stopped making them, but
peter found me a new pair on ebay!
i was SO excited!!

{via anthropologie.com}

{via anthropologie.com}

{via anthropologie.com}

{via puma.com}

{via target.com}

{via barnesandnoble.com}

{via anthropologie.com}

{via forever21.com}

{via etsy.com }
i have been wanting this personalized bangle set for
quite a while now, so i used the bday cash
my mom sent to purchase it.
mine will have a "K" and keane's birthday :o)

the shorts...
{via forever21.com}

and a few other things too {*wink*}

i told peter on sunday that i am now in the year that all women seem to want to go back to. so i best make it a good one!

of course, after reading and watching gatsby i'm very aware of thoughts of the past, and am trying to be purposeful about living in the present. every day i am thankful for the gifts i have. and i am thankful for this 29th birthday. 

this current week feels as though it has hardly started, and yet it is wednesday already. and thursday marks the start of our weekend. so there you go. 

this weekend we have the privilege of attending the nuptials of megan & nathan, and we're pretty excited about it! granted, i still have to figure out what the heck i'll wear to the rehearsal dinner, but the promise of such a festive weekend celebrating kind of makes me brush off that thought and recognize that a good time will be had by all pretty much no matter what.

so much to look forward to!

xo

"once again, to zelda"

zelda & scott fitzgerald in "midnight in paris"
{via thelmagazine.com}

last week i read "the great gatsby" for the third or fourth time. i saw tobey maguire on kelly & michael and decided that i wanted to read it again before i saw the movie. [i still haven't seen the movie, but it's on the to do list.]

anyway, this time around it struck me differently than before. i think in part it struck me differently because i noticed the dedication page, and while it did not surprise me, i had never noticed it before. the dedication page simply says, "once again, to zelda."

i have learned more about scott fitzgerald [and zelda] since the last time i read this story, and with the dedication in the back of my mind, i couldn't help but wonder if daisy somehow represented zelda to scott. i know that he used pieces of their life in his works, but more than that i couldn't help but wonder if scott felt as though his eternal hope - the green light at the end of the dock - was zelda in the past.

knowingly, or unknowingly, was it that scott really loved the idea of zelda, the zelda that he knew when he first met her, and she had become someone different in his mind? he had tried his whole life so desperately to impress her, to win her back to himself, but she was too wrapped up in herself, and her life to be who she was previously.

did he see himself as gatsby? hoping against hope that what he once had with her would come back to him? and by the end of it did he realize that maybe it was all for naught? that she was gone?

yet the ending still held true - that despite the story, despite gatsby's fate, did he still believe in the hope of the past?

"so we beat on, boats against the current, 

borne back ceaselessly into the past."

how much of his life did he build around the idea of what he needed to be for her? her family didn't approve of him. originally she didn't want to marry him because she didn't think he could provide for her. his writing was his livelihood, and that writing, including gatsby which is arguably the greatest american novel, was written for her. 

but if it is largely an autobiographical work, then what does that say about scott's life with her?

sometimes, upon further inspection, perceived reality shows up as it really is - nothing more than a striking façade.

maybe scott said in his fictional work what he could not admit to himself in reality. he feared that what he held so tightly to in his life would turn out not to matter at all in the end.

and it begs the question. will the things, the people, the places, the what-have-yous, that i hold so tightly to in this life, matter in the end?

xo

covenant child

yesterday we celebrated my first mother's day with keane's baptism. it was a good day.
in fact, as i drove home from my weekly grocery shopping last night, i thought about the many, many blessings we have in our lives.

and that was before i got home. then, as i came in the door peter and keane greeted me with a presentation of flowers and a handmade card.

how great are my boys??

anyway, here are a few shots from keane's big moment yesterday.

about to walk around and "meet" his church family

initial sprinkle

he was not very happy with the water on his head...

our fam with pastor doug

plus extended fam [and keane trying to reach the water :o) ]

hope you're having a good monday!

the approach of mother's day

{via bitsotruth.blogspot.com}

i've been thinking about mother's day over the last week [as have many people, i'm sure]. the truth is, i have mixed feelings about it.

yes, it is my first mother's day as a mother. but it comes after a few heart-wrenching years of not being a mother when i so desperately wanted a child. for a few years mother's day did not evoke some sense of the warm-fuzzies while we all waxed eloquent about the amazingness of the moms in this world.

no.

i fought it and i fought through it. i crawled through it. it was a "put your head down and just keep moving" kind of day. crying only once, as opposed to multiple times, was considered a win.

it seemed like the whole world was reminding me of my shortcoming. it felt like not being a mom made me less of a woman - especially since i clung frantically to the tiny shred of hope, the tiny possibility that maybe i could bear a child. one day.

and so, while i do celebrate this year - i celebrate the goodness of my handsome little boy, and the blessing of him - i also celebrate with a heavy heart.

i no longer walk into this day thinking only of the good, positive people it celebrates. i also think of those women who push back tears throughout the church service. the women whose souls ache for a child.

the women who cry out to God for an answer, for a reason, for acknowledgement of the empty hole of desire for a baby.

i hurt for those women who have lost a baby - those women who are mothers of the little lives that never had a chance to breathe on their own. for the wound that is never completely healed, that reopens on this day.

i hurt for those women who want nothing more than to get married and have a family, but the guy hasn't come along yet.

i hurt for those who have lost their mothers. and for those whose mothers are difficult to appreciate, or celebrate.


i know a lot of women who are moms. and i am very thankful for them. to those of you who are moms - thank you for doing the best you can to raise your kids. thank you for the sacrifices you make. thank you for the love you pour out. thank you for holding me up, and letting me know that i am not alone when i struggle with motherhood.

i know a lot of women who are not moms. and i am very thankful for them as well. to you ladies - thank you for being who you are. thank you for the influence you have in my life. thank you for using your gifts and abilities well. thank you for the sacrifices you make. thank you for the love you pour out. thank you for letting me know i am not alone when i struggle. to you ladies - you are not less of a woman because you are not a mother. you are not less of a person. you are not less.

{via resolutewoman.tumblr.com}

be kind, for everyone you meet

is fighting a harder battle.

-plato