to the ends of the earth

the last few days bangladesh has been on my mind. 

a. lot. 

because i'm going there in less than two weeks. 

i'm 

going 

to bangladesh.

WHAT?

seriously. it's flippin' crazy. 

when i stop and think about it, i'm holding how crazy it is in one hand, and my assurance that i've been called on this trip in the other.

it doesn't make sense. those things feel mutually exclusive.

i've been freaking out in small ways for a couple of weeks as we get closer and my fear of the unknown grows bigger.

because i feel like the common thread in my life lately has been: i don't know what i'm doing.

i've been here, there, and everywhere in my mind. i've wondered if anyone knows what they're doing or if we all just bumble around pretending. 

what memo did i miss? 

bangladesh truly feels like going to the ends of the earth. the opposite side of the world. a culture and a language i've never experienced. and i don't have any clue what God has for me there. i feel completely unprepared because i have no real frame of reference. i don't really know what to put into my big box of expectations and i'm wildly afraid i'm going to screw it all up. 

i don't even know how i think i'm important enough, or capable enough to screw up God's plans considering that he's God and i'm not, but there you have it. you'll find both my pride and my insecurity rolled up in that one neat and tidy package. 

i've flown back and forth in my mind between off-the-wall-excited and what. the. {bleep.} am. i. thinking??? why did i think this was a good idea? i get a pit in my stomach every time i think about it because i have to hold everything with an open hand. 

me. the one who likes to plan everything and know what's coming. 

that person is about to fly to the other side of the world to an unknown space and hang out with people i've never met and try to help them learn a thing or two about this game i love so much, and the God who made us all {and the beautiful game for that matter}. our trip leaders have told us more than a couple of times that we may get there and figure out we need to scrap everything we planned and change it all up on the fly.

and all i can think is: greeeeaaaatttt, because i'm so good at that.

it's terrifying.

it's terrifying because all i can do is trust. i'm like the cartoon who jumped out off of the cliff already and i just realized i'm hanging in midair. my feet have started scrambling for solid ground, but i don't know whether it'll show up for me or not. i have no clue where i'll land.

don't get me wrong i really enjoy traveling. but this is not just traveling. and i feel so out of my comfort zone that all i've been praying is that the Lord's will be done. but if he could do it without me screwing everything up? yeah. that'd be fantastic. 

because we're not guaranteed that. 

just because God calls me to go somewhere doesn't mean that it's going to be "successful." it just means that he's called me to be a part of whatever he's doing there. 

plenty of missionaries have died at the hands of people they were called to serve. and that doesn't mean that they were somewhere different than they should've been. 

it simply means the story wasn't about them. 

and the story isn't about me either.

there are no guarantees that walking in the way the Lord guides us isn't going to land us somewhere we don't want to be. it doesn't mean that all will go well for us. 

it just means that in the midst of it, all will be well with my soul. 

because he's God. and he can do that.

when i think about that from a human perspective i want to curl up in the fetal position and never leave my house. {we could get lost in the pointlessness of this action too, but we're not going there today, mmmmkay?}

i don't understand God's thoughts. they may make sense one day, but on this side of heaven, they also may not. 

will i trust him anyway? 

will i trust him when i can't quiet the worry?

will i follow him when i'm terrified? 

will i follow him to the ends of the earth?

xoxo