it's not about the day

{found via pinterest}

my sister-in-law got married a few weeks ago. we all played small parts in the wedding. kelly and ben had a great day for their wedding, but kelly and ben's wedding was just one day out of their marriage. and the thing is - marriage is not about the wedding. it's just not about the day.

it's about every day.

many things in life work that way. we like to make big things about one tiny part, but really most things encompass a lot more than the one thing we make them about.

kids do not just happen to turn out one way or the other. raising kids is an ongoing thing. how they turn out usually has something to do with how their parents raised them - day in and day out. honestly, this one scares me the most...

certain days are proof that we've met a milestone, but the milestone isn't about the day that we reach it. the milestone is about all the days that help us reach it.

life is about the process.

we like to make it about the one day or the one thing, but life doesn't actually work that way no matter how much we wish it did.

many days i get caught up slogging through the day. and too often that's how i think of it too. i think of it as slogging.

i think of all of the things i haven't done that i'm "supposed to" do. i think of all of the people who are doing this whole mothering thing better than me. i think of how often i let keane watch tv, and how messy the house is, and how i have no time to read or write.

i think of all the ways i don't measure up. and really, how stupid is that?

why waste my days thinking about what i'm not doing, or what i can't do right now?

why is it not okay that my day is a win if i get dressed and everyone eats as much as they're supposed to? why do i beat myself up for letting sleep win out over getting up early? [especially since little miss is still eating in the middle of the night] why do i feel so guilty for letting keane cry a little bit before he goes to bed if there is nothing i can do to make it better? why feel guilty for not getting my daughter dressed in anything but a sleeper on many days, and for letting keane run around in his fire truck sleeper when we aren't leaving the house?

why does it matter?

day in and day out i have mini freak out sessions about things that don't make one d*** bit of difference in the grand scheme of things. seriously. no difference at all. and the ironic part of it is that those freak out sessions probably make me a worse parent, not a better one.

every passing day i become more and more sure that living a guilt-ridden life does nothing to enhance life or make it better.

it's funny, for the last few days i've been watching "everybody loves raymond" on amazon prime. and while it's more realistic about life as a stay at home mom than most shows, debra still gets dressed and puts makeup on every day. and the kids sit and play quietly, or get into things on a minimal level.

ha. ha. ha.

life doesn't work like a movie. or a tv show.

my daughter does not sleep on any sort of consistent schedule during the day - not for lack of trying to get her on a schedule from the day she was born. she has simply decided to do her own thing. i guess she comes by it honestly, but still. the inconsistency makes it tough to plan things...

this morning i was so tired that i started to put one of adele's diapers on keane when i changed him. i kept moving the diaper around wondering why in the world it wouldn't adjust how it normally does.

anyway, i guess it comes down to this as of late -- life feels like it's running on without me. but i'm sick of letting it. i'm sick of feeling guilty over things that have no bearing.

i need to prioritize and be okay with not accomplishing the things at the bottom of the list.

at the end of most days we take a family walk. keane goes in the backpack, adele goes in the baby bjorn, and bexley comes on his leash. we usually walk on the greenway by our house and we talk while keane grabs leaves from the trees we pass. he points out lights and benches and everything else he sees. adele looks around as much as she can and generally falls asleep before we get back. and i'm reminded that i have it pretty stinkin good.

and i remember that it's not about just one day.
this is life.
this is real life.

i'm not practicing for anything else. i haven't arrived. life is about a whole bunch of moments strung together. i probably won't ever get to a place where i think i have arrived because life keeps going until it doesn't.

and who cares what everyone else says is important? my job is not to be everything to everyone. i will not stand up in front of any other person at the end of my days. i will stand up in front of my God and he will judge the thoughts and intentions of my heart.

i don't think i'll ever stop striving to arrive until i've arrived on heaven's doorstep. life pushes us to believe that we never do enough. we keep chasing everything else because we all want to matter. and as a housewife, i don't always feel like i matter in the grand scheme of things.

but that's the part i miss. the "grand scheme of things" is so much bigger than this culture, and so much bigger than this world. and yet, the God of the universe speaks to me on my level. and the God of the universe says i matter even without striving.

he made me in his image, and at the end of the day i can rest in his grace.

this is not to say that i don't have goals and ambitions. but it is to say that whether i achieve those goals or not does not change who i am.

i am a child of God.

and walking with him is not about just one day. it's not just about the day i committed my life to following him. it's about daily walking with him. it's about him working in me and through me.

it's just not about the day.

it's not about the wedding; it's about the marriage.
it's about the relationship. it's about the commitment.
it's about how you live it out everyday, and what you do when you screw it up.
it's about living life everyday basking in the grace he so readily gives.

it's not about any one day.
it's about all of them put together.

i heard a quote once - i think annie dillard said it. "how we live our days is how we live our lives."

trust that your life is not just about a day, but know that your days do matter.



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