oh, 2020

 

only a few hours remain of this day.

only a few hours remain of this year.

and somehow it's not as comforting as it used to be.

because we seem to have lost some belief this year. we've lost some belief in humanity as a whole. lost some belief that next year will actually get better. lost some belief that holding on will make things better later.

yes, i realize how fatalistic and terrible that sounds. 

but it's true.

and really, at the end of the day 2020 has already tainted 2021. just a bit. is there a light at the end of the tunnel? kind of. 

but we've lost a sense of each other. we've lost a sense of hope. 

no, it's not all gone, but some of it is missing and may never fully return. 

what we all hoped would be a blip to slow the spread of this thing has robbed us of seasons, celebrations, graduations, and the ability to live life how it's supposed to be lived - together.

everything is getting pushed off until next year, but next year is almost here and nothing much has changed. we're still largely stuck in the same place we were nine or ten months ago.

if i'm being really honest this year has simultaneously made me more flexible and adaptable and provided a space to start something i probably never would've tried otherwise, AND it has also killed pieces of me. robbed me of the hope to plan for the future. 

everything feels so short term. 

i think this is true for a lot of people. nothing this year has been what we thought when we said goodbye to 2019. it has robbed so many people of so much. and we are desperate - desperate - to have something to look forward to. 

after a year that has crushed so many dreams and wholly ruined and destroyed lives - literally stole the breath from them - we are just sitting here waiting and hoping for better. we've seen the best of people and the worst of people this year. but there hasn't been much in between. 

we've somehow become more understanding and more dismissive in the same breath. we've treated each other in the most divisive way, and yet we cling to the hope of peace and understanding. 

this year, more than any other, i've prayed that Jesus would come back soon. because we're all crying out for hope. we're all crying out for something more. we're all crying out for peace and justice and so.many.things. that he alone can give us. 

the entirety of humanity is crying out for relief. some of us cry out for reasons different from those around us, but everyone is crying out for relief. we are lashing out and hurting each other because we all feel lost and misunderstood. we're standing on uneven footing and don't know how to fix it. 

it's a classic version of "hurt people, hurting people" but we're all hurting. we're all kind of scared about what's coming next. none of us know what to expect. 

this year in all of its crazy faults has shown us where our hope really lies. 

i've learned a lot about myself and that as much as i like to think that my hope is fully in Jesus, the reality is - most of the time he's holding the rope, but i'm not relying on him. i'm holding onto other things, and he's holding me up. ever patient with my wandering heart.

we cannot see each other as imago dei unless we're looking through the eyes of God. 

too often we see ourselves as the good guy or the bad guy. we see people as on the "us" side or on the "them" side. but more often than not, we're all extremely gray. we're "us" and "them." they are not as mutually exclusive as we make them out to be. 

we are them. 

and we are us. 

and we all have a brand new year in front of us. God alone knows what it will bring. but he's the only one trustworthy enough to hold it anyway. always, only, truly good. truth. and light. and life.

it feels like a lot of things are sliding through our hands like water. the past is past. 2020 is largely over. we don't know what the future holds. 

but. 

there's only one who can hold the whole world in his hands. there's only one who holds the future. 

xo