remind me

some days i need a reminder. okay, most days.

most days i need a reminder that this stage of life will pass. i also thoroughly enjoy large chunks of my days, but those times when you're getting ready for church in the morning and you have to put your 2 ½ year old in time-out three times and it takes you at least 2 ½ times as long to get ready as it would if you didn't have to stop what you're doing every time you get started again in order to make him stop throwing things, or bumping his head into you when you're trying to correct him, or dropping things on the floor that should not be dropped on the floor... or you know any sort of example you want to throw in there... not that this happened this morning or anything. not that this same son was up until 11 pm last night stealthily sneaking out of his room and into the hallway - playing "dead" every time you came into the the hallway to check and see what he was doing. and after finally falling asleep waking up a full 30 minutes earlier than normal this morning.

not that his little sister took a while to fall asleep last night, and then woke up bright-eyed at 1:15 and didn't go back to sleep until at least 1:45. no, she would never do that. she loves sleep.

some days they kill me with their cuteness, and other days it just feels like they want to kill me. parenting can be a tough gig with enough sleep, but without it, well, let's just say some days i want to curl up into a ball and cry.

i'm just trying to be honest, guys.

i don't regret my choice to stay home with my kids. and it was a choice for me. i know it's not a choice everyone can make, but it was for me. and i'm not upset i made it.

sometimes i'm just worn out.

i'm worn out from the constancy of the beautiful little people who need my attention. i'm worn out because i feel like no matter how hard i try, i screw it up time and time again. i'm worn out because i'm afraid that no matter how hard i try to instill the important lessons into their lives they will somehow evade my attempts and turn out to be those kids who cause people to look at them and say "you know what - it comes back to the parents. why didn't their parents teach them that?"

that's the truth. that's my fear. i fear that even though i chose to stay home with them, and be with them they still will not learn how to be mature, responsible members of society.

and so i need to let go, time and time again. i need to trust that God can work through me and my many flaws and problems and issues and imperfections. that nothing is impossible with him and through him, and he wants me at the center of his will even more than i want to be there.

and i need that reminder all. the. time.

i screw this thing up so much more than i care to admit. so i need to remember how big God is.

but i also need to remember that i am made in HIS image. i have more worth than i often remember and realize and give myself credit for because i am made in his image.

i am created by God. created in his image. i am his image-bearer.

and far too often i go around berating myself and coming down on myself and telling myself that i am too flawed to be worthy.

i am beyond flawed. but he calls me worthy.

i am a flawed person. i am a flawed parent. i have so many insecurities. i try to "find myself" in things that cannot show me who i am. i try to strive without ceasing in hopes that i will stumble upon something to make me worthy.

but this life cannot give that. "the good life" cannot give that. only Jesus can give that. only a love beyond any that this world has ever known can give true peace and wholeness and rest.

i recently remembered a quote from a camp i attended when i was in high school: God loves you just the way you are, but he refuses to leave you that way. he wants to make you like Jesus.

no matter where you are it is not too far for him to reach. you are not too far gone.
and thankfully, neither am i.

no matter who you are, you are created in the image of God.
and so am i.

and if you're anything like me - you can use a look in the mirror with that reminder on your lips.

much love, friends


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