my dear boy

our little man is 4. four. 4. he's growing up so ridiculously fast, and it gets faster all the time.

dear monkey,

thank you for coming. i know your coming really had nothing to do with you, but i'm just so thankful for you. thank you for making me a mama.

words cannot even express my gratitude. words cannot fully express the hopes i have for you. the hopes i have that you would grow up to be a man after the heart of your creator. that you would love God and love people well. that you would have the eyes to see, the ears to hear, and the heart to understand those around you.

every day i pray that you would follow hard after the God of the universe. i pray that you would know his voice.

four years ago i was just coming out of the anesthesia. right about now is when i met you and got to hold you for the first time. it breaks my heart that almost 3 hours passed before i got to hold you, but you were here, and you were okay, and my heart was about to burst with overwhelming joy.

when you were born you took a piece of me with you. you're a piece of my heart walking around outside my body {as they say}. i love watching you get older, and i hate it all at the same time. watching you grow is a wonderful thing, but as you get bigger kisses and bandaids will no longer be able to make everything better. i'm not looking forward to those days. i know they are coming.

learning life lessons are rarely easy.
life's not fair, but God is good. even when you don't understand the evil things of this world, God is still good.

you are so loved, kiddo. i hope you know that. i hope you get sick of hearing it. i hope it permeates your life so much that you never doubt it, even when you're a teenager and you don't want to believe that we're saying no to things because we love you and want what's best for you.

i hope and pray that God gives us wisdom and courage as we raise you that we may meet you where you are, and be the parents you need us to be.

you are such a great big brother, monkey. you have such a heart for people, and i love watching your heart develop. i love watching your mind work. i love watching your creativity develop. you definitely think like an artist. i hope that sticks around as you grow. i hope you continue to see past what's in front of you, and see what's possible through it.

observe people. pay attention to them too. be kind. be considerate. know that you are so loved. ridiculously so. and love others through the love that is lavished on you. you are one of the lucky ones who will grow up surrounded by a web of people who love you. don't take that for granted. use it to love others well too.

as i think about you getting older it reminds me of what i should do now. for now i will hold you in my lap, and snuggle you, and kiss your oh-so-kissable cheeks while you still let me. while you still fit in my lap. while kisses and i love yous don't make you crazy.

i'm sorry for the ways i fail you. i pray that you know how sorry i am when that happens. i pray that you see God at work in your parents, just as we see him at work in you and your sister. i pray that you never question God's love for you. i pray that you see yourself through the eyes of God - that you would know you were created in his image, and you are his masterpiece.

you are so loved, little man.
happy 4th birthday.

your mama


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