the waiting.

the waiting is harder than i thought.
still.
even though we've done it for a little while now it's still hard, and it seems to get harder instead of easier the more i get used to it.

we've considered a lot of situations, we've presented our profile to a few of them, and we have not been chosen yet. not yet.

the not knowing is the hardest part for me. and there are a whole lot of unknowns.
this could also be read - the trusting is the hardest part for me.

because trusting God with this whole thing is incredibly tough.

i know intellectually that God knows what he's doing. and i know that he is trustworthy and true. and i know that my teeny-tiny role in the lives of some of these birth mamas is to write them a letter that gives them a glimpse into who we are, but also try to give them a glimpse of who God is.

it is hard to feel stuck. to feel like there's nothing i can do to move the process forward. because sometimes there really is nothing i can do. most of the time there's nothing i can do.

i just have to sit in the tension, and i have to trust. trust. trust.

we were recently being considered for a situation - seriously considered - but that wasn't our baby. and that's really hard. but it's good too. because it means that baby wasn't our baby.
and now we're one day closer to meeting him/her.

but i still don't know when.

the more situations i hear about the more my heart hurts for these birth mamas. the more i pray for them. they're voluntarily and inextricably linking their lives to someone else's. forever.

that's baffling to me in the best way.

it is hard for us to wait, but it has got to be so much harder to be on the other side of the equation.

it's like i keep forgetting that God's in control of everything, and it will all make sense to me one day. one day.

do i believe that God is big enough to control it all?
do i believe God is really writing this story?

i look at our kids, and i can't not believe that.
if the timing that i wanted for having kids had happened we wouldn't have the kids we have.

if everything had fallen into place the way i wanted it to, then we wouldn't be where we are. how often do i get so wrapped up in what i want and how i want it that i think God doesn't know what he's doing?

some days it is hard to trust in the Lord.
and yet, he always proves himself trustworthy.

this world is a hard and broken place.
but it has also been redeemed.

and this Christmas season we're celebrating what will likely be our last Christmas as a family of four. i'm also celebrating in a different way than before. i'm beyond thankful that our savior came to earth, but this year i'm also thankful that joseph chose to trust God, and adopt Jesus as his son on earth.

joseph didn't know what he was getting himself into, but he chose to trust and walk with God despite it being really scandalous and difficult.

do i trust God that much?

xoxo