sometimes it's no.

well friends, i can't go into a lot of detail, but we are no longer matched with our expectant mama.

there are no guarantees in life, and this has hit us between the eyes with a reminder of that truth.

i will not lie to you and say that it has been easy to walk this road. if i'm being really honest - it's hard and it sucks. and it also didn't happen how you probably think it did. one day i may be able to tell you the whole story, but today is not that day.

we don't know how this larger story will unfold. we don't know if we'll end up being able to adopt in the near future or not. we don't know. if we've learned anything in the past couple of weeks it's that people are broken, and we have no idea what's coming.

we are not in control.
i am not in control.

i have a choice right now to hold onto God in the midst of this and trust that even though it still sucks, and it doesn't make any sense at all to me, i have to believe that HE is writing this story. do i really believe it's his story? do i really believe that he who began a good work in me will carry it through to completion no matter what "completion" means in this context?

some moments yes, and some moments no.

some moments i just don't understand and that lack of understanding clouds my view of God. i think i have to do something or fix something or force something to happen differently. i think it comes down to me. not God. me.

i don't know why things have happened this way. there are plenty of things in life that i don't understand, and this is one of them. i don't know why things have unraveled in this way.

i do know that i'm struggling to trust that one day, some day, this will make any kind of sense. i know that it can't and won't make total sense because we are broken hurting people living in a broken hurting world.

the grief ebbs and flows, just like any other type of grief. some moments you manage okay, and some moments it knocks the wind right out of you.

we were hoping we wouldn't be in this position. we always knew it was a possibility. there are no guarantees. but we're here. it is what it is.

and we need lots and lots of prayer.

xoxo