life lately

lately life has felt all over the place. like i'm treading water. i’m sure the same can be said for you. this year feels like the deep end of the pool. we’re all kind of hanging out and hanging on as best we can.

so much has happened since the last time i found time for an update, and yet today i probably won't go back through it all. i'm writing simply because i feel like writing. because far too often something else - or usually, someone else - beckons me when i feel like writing and my words fall out, slide through the air, and are lost.

i've realized that the hardest thing about being a mom in this stage - for me - is the lack of freedom when it comes to my time. i don't get to be alone much, and as an introvert {borderline, yes, but introvert nonetheless} not having adequate time to process my thoughts can feel suffocating sometimes. like i don't really know what i think, or how i feel because i don't have time to fully sort it out.

this whole quarantine hasn’t exactly given me more alone time to process.
and honestly, i’m tired.
like, bone tired.
sleep-for-3-days-straight-and-then-take-a-nap-later tired.

i also made the decision to start an etsy shop last week, and i’ve questioned that decision multiple times every single day since. because a side hustle is just that - a hustle. and if i’m being really honest, i’m scared it won’t be worth the time it takes. i’m scared to fail.

{just in case you're curious}

i started it before i was ready because my perfectionist tendencies mean that "ready" was a long way away and likely would've continued getting pushed back. so, i jumped in. i took the leap. right now i can't remember why.

you see, it’s easy for me to measure “success” by tangible things instead of the intangible ones that actually matter. it’s easy for me to think that the things that i do, and think, and make don’t change anything. it's easy to think that they don’t make any sort of difference. and outside of my family, most of the things i do probably don't matter much. granted the things that do matter for my family also disappear with stunning rapidity. i mean, the house stays cleaned up for .2 seconds, food gets eaten even faster now that all 5 of us are here all.the.time., laundry is never finished {we’re always wearing something}, and don’t get me started on the dishes.

these things aren’t new, and they’re not specific to me. {and frankly, every one of them can be turned around into gratefulness. because here in america, we're all in the top 1% of the world. but i digress....}

the point is - what am i really doing? and why?

sometimes i don't have a good answer for either of those questions. sometimes i literally don't know what i'm doing while i'm in the middle of it {see the description of tired above}, but often i'm just going through life following the same pattern as i have before.

i need to dig deeper. i need to really think about the why. to keep asking the question until the answer makes sense.

but it's hard. it's hard because anything can become normal {see everything quarantine related} and that means it can be taken for granted.

i started watching friday night lights again last week, and realized once again how much i take my own body for granted. i have arms and legs and a body that works how it's supposed to. that's my normal, but it's also kind of miraculous.

i guarantee you that most of us take many of our freedoms for granted until we stop and really process these "rights" that we have, and yet are non-existent in most of the world.

and thus, i realized again how much i take God for granted. i trust that he'll be there, but do i trust him enough to let him lead? to follow wherever that path goes?

the more life i live, the more i realize i have more questions than answers. so i'll leave you with all of these questions, and let you know if i figure out any of the answers. do the same for me, ok?

xo