like an episode of seinfeld

there is very little in life that i know a lot about. i'm not an expert on much of anything. and right now i'm sitting here reflecting on things and realizing how much i don't know. i know a little bit about a number of different things, but i'm really good at very few - maybe none. so this will probably be about a whole lot of nothing. random threads i'm pulling at right now. maybe we'll end up somewhere. maybe not.

and the ironic thing about all of that? i want to be the best. i want to win at life. be at the top {i'm a tiny bit competitive}. but i don't know why i make so much into a competition. i don't like that about myself. honestly, i can't even go for an easy run. my body just starts pushing. you can look at my splits from each mile of a run - especially one that's more than a few miles - and watch a "long, slow run" turn into me pushing myself faster and faster.

anyway, the point is... well, i don't really know what the point is. 

the point is that i'm sitting here with a glass of wine because i've been reminding myself that i used to write regularly, and i usually felt so much better mentally. so i want to get back to that. in my 0% time left over from the rest of the things that smoosh themselves into my day and my lap {and shove books in my face demanding that i read them AGAIN mommy, again}. 

the reality is that i have no point. i'm trying to grow and learn more about myself, and what i'm learning tonight? i forgot how to just sit and write about everything and nothing. i've been side-swiped by a few things lately that have knocked some of my proverbial teeth out. and now i'm just sitting here {with the teeniest of tiny wine-buzzes because, let's face it, i'm a lightweight} realizing that i'm missing some teeth, my hair is a wreck and there's a whole lot of things that i'm very much stuck in the middle of in this thing called life. and i don't know quite where i'm going.

my son reminded me tonight that he'll be leaving in eleven years. 

i'm sorry WHAT? 

no, no, no, no, NO

sorry, i meant N.O.

but yes, he informed me that he'll be 18 and leaving for college in eleven years. and it was like i got smacked upside the head.

these first years have simultaneously flown by {how is he going into second grade. seriously, HOW?} and crept at a snail's pace. {how do i still have a not-even-two-year-old?? potty-training anyone? ugh. really really NOT looking forward to that.} tonight i thought about how at some point in the not-too-distant-and-yet-it-feels-like-a-lifetime-from-now kind of future i'll have a 5th & 3rd grader, and a kindergartener. they'll all be in school. our life will probably look very very different from what it is right now. but the pendulum in my mind swings from the "i can't wait til then" moments {usually full diapers put me in this mindset} to the "STOP GROWING" mindset. the times when i'm kissing baby girl's squishy cheeks and willing them to stay that way forever, or snuggling with my boy when he first gets up, or reading my big girl a book while she's curled up in my lap, or having a tickle fight with all three of them, or making them laugh just by talking in a silly voice. 

too often they don't get my best because too often i wander through life in a very tired state and they get the leftovers. but i want them to get my best instead. i want them to know that i want the best for them, even when it's the hardest thing in the moment - for both of us. 

over the last couple of weeks i've also been realizing a little bit more about how i'm wired. about how i'm put together and what that means for how i live my days. there is a big part of me that wants something else too. something else in addition to staying home with our amazing kids. the question is what and when. is it something that needs to wait until later because the sacrifices are too big - ie: not worth it - for the right now? or is it something for right now because now is the right time for where we want to end up later? and mostly, is there a right answer? it's not black & white. sometimes it's right because it's just right, and not for any other reason that makes any logical sense. and sometimes it's not the right time when it feels like it should be. and sometimes the whole world is flipped upside-down and making sense of anything at all feels like a huge challenge.

i have more questions than answers. honestly, i think that has been true my whole life. and some days i actually remember that it's probably a good thing to have more questions than answers. asking questions leads to growth. and growth is essential to life. we're either growing, or we're dying. 

but i digress {again...}

i think part of what makes some of these decisions so challenging is that they feel huge. do they need to be thought about and thought through? yes, of course. if i fail is it the end of the world? 

no.

it feels like it is in some ways - or like it will be - because i hate failing. hate, hate, hate, really, really, really hate it. {any other type 3's out there?} but i've been realizing just how much that fear of failing makes me sit back when i should be jumping in. and decision-making becomes harder because i don't know if it's real, actual, logical things holding me back. or if it's just the fear of screwing it up. 

i'm going to go chew on that one for a while. 

and so just like seinfeld - with no real beginning or end - for tonight, that's all she wrote.

xo