{a little bit} o-v-e-r-whelm.ed.

 today is one of those times when i don't have time to write, thus rendering it completely necessary to write. my morning quiet times have turned into not-so-quiet times with the addition of one or more children most mornings for the last week or so, and my writing {or in my world - processing} time has taken a nose-dive.

i've noticed that when i don't have time to reflect and process, then i generally try to cram even more things than normal into my days which tends to make me even more overwhelmed. and crabby.

so this afternoon, i'm putting aside all of the other "shoulds" for today and i'm giving my body the deep restorative breath it needs.

i put on my glasses, made some honey-lemon water, grabbed a snack, turned on my autumn's calling playlist, and reminded myself at least five times that 98% of the things on my to-do list can actually wait for tomorrow despite what i tell myself on most days.

life is weird right now. 

school has started, and that means that there should be a bit more space in my days. and there is. 

but my tendency is to think that because i only have a 2 year old at home instead of all three kids, then i should be able to take care of everything, no problem. 

it turns out though that while there are many things that are far easier to do with just one child in tow, some things are still kind of not do-able unless they fit into the nap time portion of the day. 

it turns out that cleaning and taking care of the house and the "at home" part of our lives still takes time and effort and work.

it's funny how short my memory is on that front. 

i feel like i'm constantly trying, and rarely succeeding when it comes to crossing things off of the bigger picture list. 

and in the meantime lots of little things get added to the "little urgent things" list. things like my personal trainer recertification which i thought i had on track, and then today i find out that there's an important piece i overlooked. which {like anything else} takes time and effort and money to figure out.

then there's the push & pull of the creative side of my brain. the one that is constantly thinking of ideas of things to make and how to make them, things to write about, things to improve and put my own spin on. but then the other side says - what's the point? i don't really have all the time i need to devote to making any sort of creative venture "successful" so why stress out and make myself crazy over it? 

really it doesn't feel like i have much left to offer at the end of the day. 

some days i feel like i'm losing my focus.

my edge.

& my mind. 

some days i'm rocking and rolling. setting up the fall decor like that will push away the heat. buying pumpkins shipped in from the mountains to make it feel like the humidity is nonexistent if i stay in my car with the a/c blasting and look at all the pretty decorations.

there are so many good things about now. i'm just having a hard time focusing there at the moment. 

i guess the simplest way to put what i'm feeling is this: to whom much is given, much is required. i've been given much, and i don't feel like i'm measuring up to the requirement.

there are so many people i see around me that are doing this whole life thing a whole lot better than i am. 

but then, i wonder how many people think that exact same thing? i wonder what things would look like if we were a little more honest with ourselves and each other. because really it's kind of a sh*tty thing we've done to ourselves - let's walk around and pretend that everything is perfectly fine, and we're better off than those around us, but then get super annoyed, mad, frustrated, shocked, ... when people don't treat us with kindness above all else. 

no one is walking around with a sandwich board announcing to the world the honesty of where they're at in life. {except for maybe maybe homeless people who feel like they have no other choice left.} and we want the benefit of the doubt from everyone, but do we give it as good as we'd like to receive it? 

everyone doesn't fit into a neat little category. some people cut you off in traffic because they're jerks who think they're more important than you are, and need to get where they're going faster than you do. and some people are rushing to school to pick up their kid who isn't feeling well, or rushing to the hospital to visit a loved one, or rushing to work because the babysitter got there late, and they can't be late to another meeting without getting fired. 

if we want grace, we must give grace. 

if we want to be heard, we must listen. 

if we want kindness, we must not be the one cutting others off in traffic, or throwing shade for no good reason, or generally treating others like a total and complete jerk. we must be kind. 

{sidenote - not sickly sweet, not "nice", but kind. there's a difference.}

most of us give lip service to these things a lot. we talk about how "they" {you know, them, out there, aka: those other people} need to change. 

how many of us are willing to look in the mirror and call out the jerks in there? how many of us are willing to hear someone out long enough to admit that we {i} might be wrong?

i know i need to be pulled down off of my high horse at least a few times a day. {i think a miniature donkey would probably be more appropriate for me, honestly. i make an ass out of myself plenty - at least then i'd already be riding one.}

i guess at the end of the day, i just think that i'm not doing a very good job of showing Jesus to those around me. i'm not thinking about my life in terms of what he calls me to, more than i'm thinking about what those around me expect. i'm not willing to buck the culture enough to look like Jesus instead of looking like his followers. i'm part of the american church, but too often i'm more of an american than i am a part of the church of Christ. too often the underlying message we preach with our lives is not the message of Jesus. 

and on that note. 

it's time to pick up my kids. 

xo