offerings

lately i’ve spent a lot of time thinking about gifts and talents. thinking about vulnerability. thinking about how i spend my days and weeks and how i’m meant to spend my days and weeks. i’ve thought and wondered about what the heck i’m doing. 

today specifically i've spent a lot of time trying to convince myself that this little detour into my mind isn't necessary. i'm fine. fine. fiiiiiiiiiine. {say it in ross' voice if that helps you understand how completely fine i am.}

there are a lot of things i should be doing. i feel that way most days. most days i should be doing a whole lot more than i end up doing. at this moment in time i'm feeling the call from the things i've shoved to the back of my mind. to clean our bathroom. to vacuum my entire house. to finish ordering christmas cards. to finish ordering the one gift that's left on the list, and to make the last couple of ideas i thought of about an hour ago. oh, and to put a dent in the wrapping of the gifts that have already been procured. to figure out when we're going to make and decorate our gingerbread cookies this year. and to water my houseplants. 

but this morning i started crying for no real reason on the way back from dropping off my school-age kids, and i realized that something in there is all pent-up and i'm not entirely sure what it is. 

so today - today i bring this jumbled inexplicable mess as my offering to this space. an offering that may or may not make any sense even when i get it all out in front of me. 

but really, isn't that normal? isn't it normal to only be but so aware of what's going on under the surface in our lives? {if not, let's just pretend. and find a somewhat tactful way to tell me later.} how many people are actually aware of the "why" when it comes to their feelings, their thoughts, their actions? out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. how many of us know the depths of our own hearts? 

i'm fairly certain most of us don't want to plumb the depths of our own souls. or at least - i don't. there's some scary sh*t in there. and since we're all broken bits of humanity - shards of the image of God present in every person - i think it probably scares you too to think about diving into the mariana trench of your own heart.

we all have things we offer the world. but how often do i think that of what i'm doing day in and day out? is the world here to serve me? or am i here to bring my offerings to those around me?  

i recently listened to a tim keller podcast sermon on the prodigal son. at one point he referenced a class he took where he had to listen to mozart and be able to identify different pieces in order to get a good grade in the class. he talked about how he now listens to mozart not as a means to an end, but because he appreciates the music. he challenged us to be honest about where we see ourselves on that continuum when it comes to our relationship with God. do i do all the things i'm supposed to do in order to be seen a certain way by others? so i can see myself a certain way in my mind's eye? or do i try to walk with Jesus because of who he is, and the relationship itself? because i see the beauty in him and the relationship, and i appreciate it for what it is in and of itself? 

too often i live my life and make my decisions based on the end goal. i make choices as a means to an end far more often than i appreciate what i have or what i'm doing at the moment. and what i've been realizing in a different way than before is: art is an offering. and art is vulnerability. it is not a means to an end. it is beauty for the sake of beauty. any creative endeavor out of your own mind and heart becomes a small piece of who you are going out into the world. 

why do you think social media has such a hold on us? we put pictures, and thoughts, and pieces of ourselves next to our name and we ask people to like it or love it or honor it in some way. to accept that piece of us. to accept us and what we are offering the world. we tend to make an idol out of acceptance. because we're looking for validation in the wrong place. 

but there's another thing we need to ask ourselves.

how do we treat the offerings placed in our care on a daily basis?

i tend to fall short. i tend to miss the eyes behind the hand holding the door for me. to answer the "how are you?" and ask it back without much of a thought to what i'm saying or what the answer is. 

people are messed up. 

you're messed up. 

i'm incredibly messed up too. 

but somehow

we're all still created in the image of God.

i'll leave you with two overly simplified and yet profound ideas that i've heard in the past which have rolled around in my head more times than i can count as of late --

1. hurt people, hurt people

2. people are either showing love, or crying out for it.

take care, friends.

of yourself and those around you.

xo