fading light

i wrote this back in june, or most of it anyway. i meant to come back to it sooner. to edit and to adjust. to make it make more sense for all of you who aren't inside of my head. 

but time is fleeting. it's taken up by far too many things these days and being a working-parent is making me realize how little space i have for any sort of creative endeavor including the necessity of writing. my mind is usually a jumbled mess. 

i've spent a lot of time worried about what i'm doing and whether i'm doing any of it right. most of the time i'm pretty sure i'm getting the vast majority of it wrong. the good news in that is that it has been driving me back to God because i know that i'm not going to find any answers worth anything apart from him.

i'm reading back over this and realizing just how much i need to hear it. i feel off. and while my feelings are only necessarily true insofar as i feel them, they're also a pause point this evening to re-assess and remember again, again, and yet again, the truth of all God has done for me. 

back when i started this it was the second longest day of the year. there was a swim meet at the pool behind my house and i had just succeeded in tucking in all of my children. 

my 6 year old won't sleep just yet and made a point of prolonging the process, but she'll slip into dreamland soon enough.

the magic light of the sunset is projected onto the clouds opposite it - the ones i see off of my front porch which is my favorite place to write. 

there's a lot going on these days. more if i try to take on as much as what is in my head. but despite the fact that i could be losing my mind with all of the things i need to do, i'm not. because for once i thought through the worst case scenario, and the truth is - it's not that bad.

so instead of flitting about like a worker bee, i'm calm this evening. i'm slowly working my way down a glass of rosé and i'm taking the time to process the things that cause all of the chaos in my head. 

if i'm honest i cause my own chaos most of the time. because i think that it's all up to me. but the thing is - i'm not that big. i'm not that important. 

and i mean that in the best way. 

i don't mean it in the self-deprecating "i don't matter" kind of way. no. i mean it in the "i'm one person in the course of history, i wither like the grass because i'm human. and my name is not the most important one to remember" sort of way. 

God doesn't need me to accomplish his plan for the world. but he lets me be a part of it anyway. i make much of myself at times because i like to play at being in control. i like to think i'm more important than i am. my life echoes back to eden and that same desire to be like God. to take it into my own hands. to assume that the clay knows better than the potter.

i've thought a lot about the things i haven't had much time for over the past six weeks. my life looks different than it did at the beginning of this year. my life looks different than i expected it to look six months ago. but it helps to be able to pause and say - this isn't mine, Lord. it's yours. i will do this work as long as you call me here. and may i continue to hold it with an open hand. may i always see it more as yours than mine. 

making much of Jesus looks different than making much of me. 

and i get to work in a place where what we say to each other all the time is: soli Deo gloria. glory to God alone. it's about HIM. not me. 

it's.

not.

about.

me.

and in the midst of a busy season of getting acclimated to all the things - i'm so grateful that i regularly have people pulling my eyes up from the grindstone and reminding me of the why. 

why are we doing this? 

what is the point?

soli Deo gloria

soli.

Deo.

gloria.

may i rightly attribute the gifts to the giver, while noticing with gratefulness the many good gifts he has given me in the now.

i don't want to miss what's right in front of my face right now. it has been a tough week, but the good is not only there with the hard things, but far outweighs it. 

and here in the fading light i will watch the bats fly back and forth and the first stars peeking out, listen to the constant pop pop pop of a july 4th evening in america, and give thanks that the God of the universe found me.

xoxo