middle of the ocean

today has been a very rough day. if i did everything i wanted to do right now it would involve screaming and crying, and possibly throwing things. i would then lay down and cry myself to sleep without setting a blasted alarm to wake me up at some ungodly hour of the morning.

i feel like i'm floating into an abyss and every branch i try to hold onto to pull myself back dissolves at my touch. my heart is sinking into my stomach and a part of me wants to give up, to drop and quit right here, right now.

i'm beyond frustrated with life, beyond overwhelmed with the prospect of what lies before me in the next days, weeks and months. it's as if my life has been wrenched from me, and something else, someone else gets to dictate what i do. my "schedule" has turned into a monster and is coming to beat me over the head, into the ground.

i need relief, i need rest, i need to have new life breathed into me. right now i'm flailing and failing to tread the water that surrounds me. failing to buoy myself with anything, on anything. i'm desperate and i feel like a part of me is dying. 

please excuse my venting, it has been a very rough day, and i am beaten and scoured by the waves.

part of me wishes i could go back about 10 years and be walked away from the turmoil, hugged, and released from the heavy hand that grips my heart. part of me wishes i didn't have to grow up and deal with the world because the world is cruel, and once the innocence and safety is gone you can never get it back.

i love this picture. to this day it sits on my desk, and looking at it always makes me feel loved. i remember that day so well. i remember the thoughts that were going through my head, and how wonderful it was to be understood by my big brother.

peter has been wonderful today, it's everything else that seems to be lacking. everything else that's falling apart. things aren't so easy to understand now. things aren't so easy to fix. my world is a different place than it used to be.

i miss the days when kissing the boo boo was all it took
to make the world right again


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