week 14: dear babykins,

it seems so strange to actually be writing to you. knowing you are on your way, and not just a someday hope. it also seems strange since you haven't really shown yourself yet. [although, in my own vanity i am grateful for this.]

this past weekend your dad and i started stage one of the long and slow process of rearranging the house for you. we don't want to get ahead of ourselves though. it's still early, and if life up until this point has taught me anything, it's to try not to make assumptions. i know that sounds terrible, it's just that we're so excited for you, and have been waiting for you for what feels like forever, so it feels almost crazy to think it possible that you're really coming, and nothing will go wrong.

we pray for you every day. every.single.day. and i have to keep letting go and remembering that worry will not help at all. that we serve a really big God, and he is in control of everything. you included.

sometimes i feel like a terrible mother-to-be because i almost forget that you're in there. of course at other times i can't think of anything else which makes me much less productive. unless of course you count browsing pinterest and etsy for baby ideas qualifies as productivity...

i wonder who you'll be, who you'll favor, what you'll be like. i wonder whether you are a boy or a girl. i wonder whether you'll be early or late. i wonder what your name will be. i wonder if you'll have your daddy's crazy spiky hair, whether your eyes will be dark brown or ocean blue. i wonder about so much. i just can't wait to see you. to know you.

we are very excited you're on your way, but if i'm super honest with you, i'm also nervous. i'm nervous that all my messed-up-ness will be unwittingly transferred to you. nervous because i'll probably do more things wrong than right even though i really just want what's best for you. and nervous because i'm afraid i'll lose myself in pregnancy and motherhood. i'm excited to be a mom, but i don't want to turn into nothing but a mom. even as a mom i want to still be me. and i want you to be you - whoever God has made you to be.

we love you to pieces already.

your mama


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