the approach of mother's day
i've been thinking about mother's day over the last week [as have many people, i'm sure]. the truth is, i have mixed feelings about it.
yes, it is my first mother's day as a mother. but it comes after a few heart-wrenching years of not being a mother when i so desperately wanted a child. for a few years mother's day did not evoke some sense of the warm-fuzzies while we all waxed eloquent about the amazingness of the moms in this world.
i fought it and i fought through it. i crawled through it. it was a "put your head down and just keep moving" kind of day. crying only once, as opposed to multiple times, was considered a win.
it seemed like the whole world was reminding me of my shortcoming. it felt like not being a mom made me less of a woman - especially since i clung frantically to the tiny shred of hope, the tiny possibility that maybe i could bear a child. one day.
and so, while i do celebrate this year - i celebrate the goodness of my handsome little boy, and the blessing of him - i also celebrate with a heavy heart.
i no longer walk into this day thinking only of the good, positive people it celebrates. i also think of those women who push back tears throughout the church service. the women whose souls ache for a child.
the women who cry out to God for an answer, for a reason, for acknowledgement of the empty hole of desire for a baby.
i hurt for those women who have lost a baby - those women who are mothers of the little lives that never had a chance to breathe on their own. for the wound that is never completely healed, that reopens on this day.
i hurt for those women who want nothing more than to get married and have a family, but the guy hasn't come along yet.
i hurt for those who have lost their mothers. and for those whose mothers are difficult to appreciate, or celebrate.
i know a lot of women who are moms. and i am very thankful for them. to those of you who are moms - thank you for doing the best you can to raise your kids. thank you for the sacrifices you make. thank you for the love you pour out. thank you for holding me up, and letting me know that i am not alone when i struggle with motherhood.
i know a lot of women who are not moms. and i am very thankful for them as well. to you ladies - thank you for being who you are. thank you for the influence you have in my life. thank you for using your gifts and abilities well. thank you for the sacrifices you make. thank you for the love you pour out. thank you for letting me know i am not alone when i struggle. to you ladies - you are not less of a woman because you are not a mother. you are not less of a person. you are not less.
be kind, for everyone you meet
is fighting a harder battle.