labor day

three years ago today i had been in induced labor for two and a half hours. i was focused on the task at hand. we would not have a halloween baby. october 30th would be keane's birthday. i had determined it. i would labor - even on the pitocin - without drugs. i would birth this kid through my tiny hips, and he would come on october 30th.

in case you haven't read keane's birth story you can read the whole thing here. if you don't want to read the whole thing i can sum it up for you. it was the antithesis of everything i had determined. i only made it 12 hours, and 8 cm laboring naturally on the pitocin. i pushed for three hours, and did not birth him through my tiny hips, and seeing as he didn't come until 3:38 a.m. - he was and is a halloween baby.

so this morning i'm remembering back to that day. that last day before i was officially a parent. that last day when i could walk around with my baby boy literally attached to me. the day when i was so scared that something was going to happen to him, and after waiting for him for years that he somehow wouldn't be okay.

the 12 hours he spent in the nicu did not help this worry, but my favorite nurse being in there with him helped a lot. she loved him well, and found him his little pumpkin hat that shows up in 90% of his hospital pictures.

so this morning, i'm remembering. and i'm tearing up as i'm remembering. he and his sister are the two best surprises we've ever gotten.

keane coming into this world brought some healing to my hurting heart. God took those 3 ¼ years of desperately wanting my own plan, of desperately wanting a biological child, of my heart seemingly ripping out with every confirmation that it wouldn't happen that month either; he took those years of pain and heartache and turned them into - "your will, your way Lord." i'm willing to do it differently even though i still want my plan.

yes, it took over three years for my stubbornness, anger, and bitterness to give up my plans, and embrace what God had for us instead.


this morning i'm drinking my coffee out of my "m" {for mom} mug that a friend sent to me after keane was born. and i'm remembering. i'm remembering the tears, and the anguish of those frustration-filled years of hoping and praying and nothing happening. those years when i thought God had forgotten me. those years when i watched friend after friend and relative after relative get pregnant with ease, and hang up the phone and cry. cry because i was trying so hard to be happy for them, but often i was too blinded with heartache of what i didn't have, and apparently couldn't have though i didn't understand why.

and i'm remembering the overwhelming joy and tears of holding both of my kiddos for the first time.

this morning i'm remembering my {most likely} one and only labor day, and i'm beyond thankful for my almost three year old. i'm beyond thankful for my 14 month old. and i'm thankful for ways that healing took place where i didn't even know i was broken.

happy almost birthday to my sweet monkey-boy!
you teach me new things every day,
and i love you to pieces.

xoxo