i will remain confident in this...
...i will see the goodness of the Lord.
keane coming into this world cannot be summed up any better than that.
[bear with me on this one i've been writing it in bits and pieces over the course of the past week, and it's going to be a long one...]
most of you know, at least in part, the story that started four years ago.
in short, having kids did not come easily for us. we had some of the hardest days and moments of our marriage and our entire relationship over the course of our struggle with infertility.
there were many times when i was not at all "confident in this". i was furious with God, and i did not understand why any of it was happening.
to be honest, i still don't know why it took so long, i still don't know why it was such a struggle. there are many pieces that i still don't understand.
but i had to get to the point of letting go of my plans, of my assumptions, of my dreams. i had to come to grips with changes in my view of who God is, and if i could still trust him despite my desires being thwarted again and again and again.
now i look into the face of my son, and i know that he is a blessing - a huge, over-the-top, make-you-cry blessing. and blessings are not synonymous with rights.
life isn't actually about what we deserve. and what we think we deserve is rarely, if ever, what we actually "deserve".
keane's labor and delivery story follows the same basic course of the rest of the story. it didn't happen the way i wanted it to happen. our best laid plans fell on their face time and time again over the course of the day. yet, at the end of it, despite many rough moments, we made it through and were all okay.
here's that part of the story:
last monday, the 29th, we headed back to the doctor's office for my 41 week check. during our visit they found that my fluid levels were very low, and because of this we needed to head to the hospital monday night.
they were going to give me something overnight to try to ready me for birth, and would most likely induce in the morning.
and despite the fact that all along i had been praying and hoping against an induction, that's exactly what happened tuesday morning. i started the pitocin around 8 a.m.
after talking with a couple of the nurses i decided to try going natural, as i had planned, despite the pitocin induced labor. [i had been warned that due to the type of contractions pitocin causes it would be much more difficult to labor naturally on it.]
i progressed fairly quickly to about 5 cm, and then again from 5 to 8 cm. and then i stayed around 8 for HOURS. and the contractions were coming with maybe 8-10 seconds in between - maybe. at that point i knew i wouldn't be able to relax enough for the remaining hours of dilating and pushing without any drugs since the contractions weren't giving me any break as it was.
so, despite my plan and hope, i opted to have an epidural. at this point it had been about 12 hours since i started labor.
after a couple more hours of waiting and laboring, around 11:30 pm, it was time to push. and i pushed.
and pushed.
and pushed.
for 3 hours.
after 2 hours the doctor told me he wasn't sure whether or not keane was going to fit given the shape of my hips, and he gave me the option of having a c-section, or trying for a little bit longer to see if he would be able to drop lower or not.
so we tried for another hour - pushing with each contraction. keane had dropped an infinitesimally small amount in an hour, and thus, again, despite my hopes and prayers, i needed to have a c-section.
in most cases the "birth story" is almost done at this point, but for us, it was a little different.
when they took me back for the c-section [with peter waiting in the hall until everything was set up] they gave me more of the epidural meds so i wouldn't be able to feel anything, but could still be awake for the delivery. well, after i got more of the meds i went numb up to my neck, couldn't move anything but my head, and was having trouble breathing.
i also couldn't talk.
i must have been in a God-given survival mode though because even in my head i wasn't fully panicking.
thankfully [another God-thing] my doctor asked me a question - and by way of answering him i looked at him - wild-eyed and gasping for breath, moving my head as much as possible so as to not be misconstrued as a nod.
the last thing i remember was the oxygen mask coming over my face.
later, we found out that the initial epidural - a spinal epidural - must have been inserted too far, and actually went into my spine, but because of the way i was sitting during the rest of labor and pushing, we didn't know it. once i was laid out on the OR table though, and given a higher dosage, the drugs were able to march the whole way up my spine.
they had to give me general anesthesia and intubate me [ie: stick a tube down my throat] so i could breathe again.
so, when keane was delivered at 3:38 a.m. he was drugged from the anesthesia, and his initial vital signs weren't good. apparently he also lost some blood because of an issue they had while cutting the cord. his vitals quickly rebounded, but he still had to spend the first twelve hours of his life in the nicu.
unfortunately, peter didn't get to be in the OR for the birth since there were issues, and when i woke up i had the shakes. like really violent shakes. like horrible shivers even though i wasn't cold, and it took a long time for them to go away.
but finally around 6 a.m. our wonderful nurse took us down to the nicu, and i got to hold my baby boy for the first time.
despite everything - i will remain confident in this,
keane coming into this world cannot be summed up any better than that.
[bear with me on this one i've been writing it in bits and pieces over the course of the past week, and it's going to be a long one...]
most of you know, at least in part, the story that started four years ago.
in short, having kids did not come easily for us. we had some of the hardest days and moments of our marriage and our entire relationship over the course of our struggle with infertility.
there were many times when i was not at all "confident in this". i was furious with God, and i did not understand why any of it was happening.
to be honest, i still don't know why it took so long, i still don't know why it was such a struggle. there are many pieces that i still don't understand.
but i had to get to the point of letting go of my plans, of my assumptions, of my dreams. i had to come to grips with changes in my view of who God is, and if i could still trust him despite my desires being thwarted again and again and again.
now i look into the face of my son, and i know that he is a blessing - a huge, over-the-top, make-you-cry blessing. and blessings are not synonymous with rights.
life isn't actually about what we deserve. and what we think we deserve is rarely, if ever, what we actually "deserve".
keane's labor and delivery story follows the same basic course of the rest of the story. it didn't happen the way i wanted it to happen. our best laid plans fell on their face time and time again over the course of the day. yet, at the end of it, despite many rough moments, we made it through and were all okay.
here's that part of the story:
last monday, the 29th, we headed back to the doctor's office for my 41 week check. during our visit they found that my fluid levels were very low, and because of this we needed to head to the hospital monday night.
they were going to give me something overnight to try to ready me for birth, and would most likely induce in the morning.
and despite the fact that all along i had been praying and hoping against an induction, that's exactly what happened tuesday morning. i started the pitocin around 8 a.m.
after talking with a couple of the nurses i decided to try going natural, as i had planned, despite the pitocin induced labor. [i had been warned that due to the type of contractions pitocin causes it would be much more difficult to labor naturally on it.]
i progressed fairly quickly to about 5 cm, and then again from 5 to 8 cm. and then i stayed around 8 for HOURS. and the contractions were coming with maybe 8-10 seconds in between - maybe. at that point i knew i wouldn't be able to relax enough for the remaining hours of dilating and pushing without any drugs since the contractions weren't giving me any break as it was.
so, despite my plan and hope, i opted to have an epidural. at this point it had been about 12 hours since i started labor.
after a couple more hours of waiting and laboring, around 11:30 pm, it was time to push. and i pushed.
and pushed.
and pushed.
for 3 hours.
after 2 hours the doctor told me he wasn't sure whether or not keane was going to fit given the shape of my hips, and he gave me the option of having a c-section, or trying for a little bit longer to see if he would be able to drop lower or not.
so we tried for another hour - pushing with each contraction. keane had dropped an infinitesimally small amount in an hour, and thus, again, despite my hopes and prayers, i needed to have a c-section.
in most cases the "birth story" is almost done at this point, but for us, it was a little different.
when they took me back for the c-section [with peter waiting in the hall until everything was set up] they gave me more of the epidural meds so i wouldn't be able to feel anything, but could still be awake for the delivery. well, after i got more of the meds i went numb up to my neck, couldn't move anything but my head, and was having trouble breathing.
i also couldn't talk.
i must have been in a God-given survival mode though because even in my head i wasn't fully panicking.
thankfully [another God-thing] my doctor asked me a question - and by way of answering him i looked at him - wild-eyed and gasping for breath, moving my head as much as possible so as to not be misconstrued as a nod.
the last thing i remember was the oxygen mask coming over my face.
later, we found out that the initial epidural - a spinal epidural - must have been inserted too far, and actually went into my spine, but because of the way i was sitting during the rest of labor and pushing, we didn't know it. once i was laid out on the OR table though, and given a higher dosage, the drugs were able to march the whole way up my spine.
they had to give me general anesthesia and intubate me [ie: stick a tube down my throat] so i could breathe again.
so, when keane was delivered at 3:38 a.m. he was drugged from the anesthesia, and his initial vital signs weren't good. apparently he also lost some blood because of an issue they had while cutting the cord. his vitals quickly rebounded, but he still had to spend the first twelve hours of his life in the nicu.
unfortunately, peter didn't get to be in the OR for the birth since there were issues, and when i woke up i had the shakes. like really violent shakes. like horrible shivers even though i wasn't cold, and it took a long time for them to go away.
but finally around 6 a.m. our wonderful nurse took us down to the nicu, and i got to hold my baby boy for the first time.
despite everything - i will remain confident in this,
i will see the goodness of the LORD.
and i have seen it.
he brought us safely through.
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