right now

{found via pinterest from flickr}

right now i'm tired and grumpy. it has already been a long week, and i still have quite a few i's to dot and t's to cross. i've been awake for 28 minutes and i already need a nap.

but a big part of the reason for my grumpiness has far more to do with the fact that it has been shorts weather in december. my christmas music sings out things like: "i'm dreaming of a white christmas," and "it's beginning to look a lot like christmas," but in reality a white christmas will exist only in my dreams, and despite the fact that we have our tree up it's not looking anything like christmas.

peter thinks i'm being ridiculous, but i miss the cold, and i miss the snow.

yes, there are benefits to warmer weather - i know that, and i know what they are. i still miss the cold. i still miss the snow. there's something that really bothers me about christmas shopping in a t-shirt. granted i'm all done with my christmas shopping, but still. the point remains.

i don't turn on the fire, or snuggle under blankets, or savor hot drinks, or wear sweaters without sweating, or get to break out any of my jackets, or running tights when it's 70* outside. i don't even like weather like this in october and november, let alone at christmastime.

anyway, i know i'm being a complainer right now. i know there are plenty of people who would love this weather - i'm just not one of them.

my debbie-downer-ness also has to do with the fact that peter has had a very busy week at work, and as a couple we're not exactly running on all cylinders. it's a very busy time of year, and i feel like we won't get to recharge much between now and christmas.

margin is tough to come by, and even tougher to keep. especially at {faux}christmastime.

despite the fact that i do actually love my life i often catch myself thinking about how much easier things will be once our kids are a bit older.

it's not that i don't appreciate the ages they are now. but there are certain things that are just tough to do with two small kids. there are days when i push them to the very limits of what they can handle because we don't quite have time to do something, but i decide to force it, and do it anyway. especially when there are so many things on a timeline right before christmas.

on one hand it's nice that there's some built in down time thanks to nap-time every day. of course we're at the point where keane still needs to take a nap, but he doesn't want to, so sometimes he doesn't. and he keeps coming up with excuses to come out of his room when i'm trying to wrap his christmas presents.

anyway, the point is that there are plenty of times when i sit back and think - when they're older we can do this. or - when they're older we can do what we used to do before. but it's stupid to live in the future.

most days i do remember to enjoy them where they are right now. but that doesn't mean i remember all day every day.

i know there will be days and times in the future when my refrigerator won't be covered in preschool projects. there will be days when our christmas tree will not have clumps of keane's ornaments all together. there will be days when they no longer play with their little people nativity set. there will be days when the "playroom" will no longer house an immense amount of toys. there will be days when they won't be nearly as excited about their gifts, or helping me pick out wrapping paper.

it's easy to be haunted by the past - by missing it, by not appreciating it when you had it, by any number of things. and it's easy to point to the future. because in your mind's eye the future will always be better. {or is that just me?}

it's really hard to live here. in this space that we actually have right now.
but i'm going to try.

i'm going to try to appreciate these preschooler snuggles even if it means he woke up 20 minutes early and i have to type with one hand.
i'm going to appreciate the 20 seconds every day when adele will actually cuddle with me.
i'm going to try to teach them how christmas is supposed to feel even if it doesn't.
i'm going to try and keep trying even if i don't feel like it.
one day many things will be easier,
and one day i will miss this.

merry christmas, friends. i hope wherever you are it's chilly enough for hot chocolate!

xo