c'est la vie

{taken on our trip to france, 2008}

i want to learn french.
i know bits and pieces from the time i put in before we went to france eight years ago. i can read it better than i can speak it though. and i haven't put in much time since then.

the thing is - i've said that for a really long time. i want to learn french. and it has always been true. but it hasn't really made it above the line. because there are always lots of things i want to do. and i don't have time for all of them. that one always gets pushed to "someday."

recently peter and i have talked a lot about priorities. what is above the line? what are we making time for, and what are we doing only if we have extra time?

time really is our most precious resource. once it's lost we can never get it back. once it passes, it's gone.
and it will pass.

i get antsy when i think about wasting time. i still waste time far more often than i'd like to admit. but i hate the thought of it.

we only get a finite number of minutes. and we don't know how many it will turn out to be.

i've been humbled a bit recently by realizing that i really want to feel like i matter outside of being a wife and mom. right now, i don't feel that way much of the time. but if i pursued anything to "make a name for myself" outside of that right now? i'd be doing it to try to bring glory to my own name. not God's.

despite the fact that i want to make a difference in the world, if it's not from God it's not worth it. and right now i feel like he has called me to small things. he may only ever call me to small things. and i'm learning to be okay with that. i'm not there yet, but i'm learning.

i need to hold my life up with an open hand. because there are areas i hold on to, and don't want to let go. but it seems to me that God likes to work things out in such a way that we cannot take credit for them.

he likes to do things in such a way that we cannot look at it, and say - that was me. little things. big things. all of it. every time i try to take it into my own hands and force something to happen, i fall on my face. time and time and time again.

right now i want to be there for my kids. day in, day out, be there.
i also want to have adventures.
i want them to learn that it's okay to be curious.

there are many things i want to do. it's a matter of priorities, and knowing what to let go.
{i've never been the best at letting go.}

in many ways i hate the decision to not pursue any other big thing right now. i dislike the idea of just being at home.

i don't know if i dislike it so much because i feel like sometimes {sometimes} being a housewife is used as a cop-out. or maybe it's the disdain with which many people look on the role.
maybe it's because i see myself as more than that, and even though i know it's not me "giving up" it kind of feels like i am.

{trip to pittsburgh, 2011}

but what am i after? the praise of God? or the praise of mankind?
it's hard to sit amongst my fellow man day in and day out, and not put any stock in what they say.

in our culture your job is who you are. certain professions are respected. but in the eyes of many your profession is directly tied to your worth.

that is not how God operates.

all too often, i forget that. i forget what really matters.

i am not simply a wife and mom. what i "do for work" may be summed up in a sentence, but a person cannot be.
i need to remember that about myself.
i need to remember that about others.

a person cannot be summed up in one sentence.

we often interact with others like they can be.
we interact with others like they are just what we can see.
we get upset because they treat us the same way.

but each of us has a whole life and a whole story.

we give ourselves the benefit of the doubt all the time.
we give our friends the benefit of the doubt because we know them.
how often do i give the benefit of the doubt to strangers?

so much to ponder for a tuesday...

how was your holiday weekend?



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