preschool. take 2

our little monkey started his second year of preschool on tuesday. this year he decided not to pose for pictures. as in: adamantly refused to pose for pictures. i stole a couple while he was getting ready to go, and he got rather upset.

he seemed a little more nervous than last year, but we dropped him off without a hitch, and i managed to not cry until shavasana at the end of my yoga class. only a few tears escaped because - as i told peter - i knew he'd be fine, but i wanted it to go well. it's always hard to let go a little more, but it's the goal. the goal is to one day let him go completely. and i know that if i made a big deal of dropping him off at preschool, it would be for me, not for him. wanting what's best for him demands that i give him the best transition possible. even when it's harder for me. and that is hard in and of itself.

when i picked him up in the afternoon and his teacher said he had a great day i realized just how long i had been holding my breath.

i know that sometimes my want for it to go well will end up disappointed, but i'm glad today was not one of those days.

i know he'll love school again. i know his nerves were just a matter of walking into something new and not knowing what to expect. in my head i know all of those things, but it's always hard to watch him {or her} struggle with something, even if he has to struggle through it to learn and grow and move past it.

i am really not looking forward to a year from now when i need to drop both of them off. i'll probably just sit outside and cry for a while. let's not think about that's just crazy how literal the "letting go" is.

lately i've tried really hard to just enjoy where we are. i've tried really hard not to wish to go back, or propel forward. i've tried to enjoy the age and stage we're in right now. some days that works better than others.

but when i sit in these quiet mornings, i am so thankful. i am thankful for life, and for breath. i am thankful for the two sleepyheads in their beds. i am thankful for a roof over our heads, and clothes on our backs. i am thankful that i have two kids to slowly let go. i pray for the third - whomever he or she may be - as we slowly start the process of adoption.

life is not always easy. but it is good.



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