the weak and the strong

i've been thinking a lot lately about strength. and weakness.

i don't know about you, but i love when people describe me as strong.

strong is a catch-phrase. the strong are held up. pointed to. adored. appreciated. look at them. the strong ones. the ones to emulate. the ones who have it all together.

but the thing is - if i'm really honest with myself - i know i'm not strong. i'm weak. i'm irrational. i'm ruled by my emotions more often than i would like.
when i come to the table i bring with me a whole heckuva lot of weakness.

i don't like that i'm not in control of much. but i'm not.
it doesn't matter that i don't like it. i can't control a lot in my life, and grasping for more control than i actually have generally makes things worse, not better. {controlling what i can control is a different story.}

we all want to be like God. in control of everything. thinking we know best.
i have a lot of pride built up inside of me.
like a house of cards. waiting to crash.

because my strength is not true strength.
my true strength can only be found in the one who controls the wind and the waves.

i am only strong when he makes a way.

it is humbling to realize how completely incapable and ineffectual i am on my own. even the things that i'm good at, i'm only good at because i was created that way. and i can't take credit for my own self. i didn't create me.

a season of waiting will tell you an awful lot about yourself.
a season of "no" and "not yet."
a season of loss.
a season of less than i hoped.

it tells me where my hope really is.
is my hope in my own strength?
or in his?

is my hope in what i bring to the table?
or in his perfect timing?

i don't have it all together. some days i have the air of having it all together because it makes me feel more in control. and i like to feel in control.

but there are the days when the sh** hits the fan, and i have to admit to myself that i'm not actually in control, no matter how much i'd like to think i am.

we make a really big deal out of being strong.

i keep getting this picture in my head of our kids doing pull-ups on peter's pull up bar. each time they yell excitedly, "mommy, look at me!" as their daddy lifts them up so they can do a pull-up.

"look how strong i am!"

look how strong i am when i let someone far more capable be my strength.
look how strong i am when i stop fighting against my heavenly father, but instead start listening and obeying him.
look. how. strong.


this season has been a tough one. the waiting is tough.
this christmas season we also lost peter's aunt who was one of my favorite people, and someone we've tried to emulate in many ways.
and the icing on the cake was a day of sickness sweeping over our house on christmas eve.

but in the midst of some tough things {and some much smaller annoying ones}, i'm learning how to be grateful and content. i'm slowly learning.

i'm learning to say - yes, i am weak, but look how strong God is.
and look at all he has done for me.

look at all he has done.

happy friday, friends!

xo