it's a matter of trust

{found on pinterest}

lately "trust" has come up a lot. trust and vulnerability. they go hand in hand, but generally we don't like either one. or maybe i should just speak for myself - i don't like either one.

and waiting on adoption really challenges my trust. it challenges my desire to be open and honest and vulnerable. because when there are good things going on it's really easy to share that with people, but when it's hard, and uncomfortable, and forcing you to grow and challenging where your trust and your hope really lie -
let's just say it's not so easy to share the ugly truth about yourself with other people when you wish it wasn't true.

who am i really trusting?
usually i'm trusting myself, and what i think is best, and adding in some prayer to try to back up my own direction.

these last few weeks have been draining. our kids got sick, and the sickness lingered for a while. i'm also transitioning back into soccer coaching for the spring, and we've started off with a lot of away games, which require more time away, and more ducks to get in a row before i leave.

and peter and i have had some hard conversations about what happens if we get to the end of the summer, and still haven't been matched with an expectant mama.

and i hated those conversations. because on my time table we wouldn't be waiting anymore. and i wouldn't need to worry about whether or not we are where we're supposed to be.

in situations like these i worry that i missed something. i worry that maybe i misheard this pull on my heart for these last twelve{-ish} years. maybe this isn't the direction we're supposed to go.

inevitably i come back to some of the best wisdom i've ever heard: God wants you at the center of his will more than you want to be there.
i'm writing it down here because it has taken longer and longer for me to remember. i need the reminder.

God wants you at the center of his will {even} more than you want to be there.

he doesn't try to trick us.
he wants us to seek him.
and if we are seeking him we will find him.

it's just that sometimes seeking him means walking down an unlit path. sometimes following him leads us through some unknown places. following him leads us through some hard moments {or days, or weeks, or months, or years}.

sometimes following him brings us to the end of ourselves because that is the only way we will let go of the things we want, and cling to him and all he has for us.

i know that. i've seen and experienced that.
but i still hate the process.

coming to the end of oneself is never fun, even when it's necessary.

i hate waiting. not just now - though i do hate it now - but generally, i hate waiting.

the process is hard. i know it's necessary to get us where i need to be, but i hate doubting myself, and what i know to be true. i hate that after all this time i still struggle with trusting God. i still struggle with trusting that he wants the best for me, and he knows what's best for me.

i like to know what's coming. i like to know what to expect. i like to feel like i have a handle on life.

basically, i like to be in control. {that ugly word keeps coming up again and again. control.} i'm a control freak.

do i have the courage to wholeheartedly pray the prayer -
Lord, not my will, but yours. even if my life ends up looking nothing like i thought. even if it ends up looking nothing like i planned. i will trust you. root out the seeds of doubt. make me look more like you. may i trust that your hand is guiding me even as i grope through the unlit blackness of the unknown and unexpected.

will you pray it with me? and for me? i tend to be stubborn and hard-headed, so i can use all the help i can get.


much love to you and yours, my friends.

xoxo