vulnerability.

{found via pinterest. source unknown}

the truth of the matter is that vulnerability sucks. it's hard to open yourself up and be really honest because then you can honestly get hurt. if you're guarded, if you hold back, if you don't really try or put your all into something, then you have an excuse if it doesn't go how you planned or wanted.

i heard a quote once that i've probably shared here before - "in as much as you are known, you are loved." if we don't open ourselves up to be known we cannot open ourselves up to be loved as we are.  

and while there's a reason we shut out vulnerability - to try to avoid all kinds of hurt - choosing not to go all in has its own set of ramifications.

so this morning, i'm choosing to be really honest about where i am in the midst of this adoption story.
i'm struggling. a lot.

i'm so unsure that this is where we're supposed to be because nothing seems to be moving forward. i've stopped counting how many times we've been passed over by expectant mamas because keeping count doesn't help the situation.

it's been 11 months since we jumped into this, and while we haven't been officially "waiting" for that long, my excitement for this possibility is waning to say the least.

because i don't know anymore. i don't know if this is really where God wants us to be.
i know all the platitudes. i know the truth nuggets. and i know that "God wants us at the center of his will even more than we want to be there."

i know.
but i don't know anymore.

and i also know that God is ultimately in control. that he is writing the story, and i can't see it. i know that one way or the other we're probably in act 2 right now because that's where it's the hardest.

but guys, it sucks.
some days, i have to put it all out of my mind and choose to think about the task at hand because otherwise i feel lost.

there's a c.s. lewis quote that says: "i believe in the sun even when it's not shining. i believe in love even when i feel it not. and i believe in God even when he is silent."

that is true of me. but the seeming silence is incredibly hard. it feels like my compass is broken.

as a friend put it: we have to put our whole adoption dream up on the altar and give it all back to God and let him do what he will.

we have to let go of a dream we've lived with for about 13 years, and trust that our God is writing our story. we have to trust that he knows what's best, and it's about honoring him, not about us.

that is hard.
so hard.

i say all this because i want to be honest about where i am in the midst of it. we're just waiting, and it gets harder with each passing day. with each time something could move forward, but doesn't.

please pray for us. please pray for me.
peter is a realist. he takes life as it comes and doesn't cling too much to a future that's uncertain. he plans for it, but doesn't count on it.

but me? sometimes i let my dreams run away with my heart. and it can be tough to pull it back.

pray for our family, and our kids.
pray that we would know how to talk to our kids about how to be hopeful without counting on the unknown.
pray that we would know how to lead them in how to trust God when we don't know what he has for us.

pray that we would know God's peace in the midst of the hard. in the midst of the waiting.
pray that we would trust that he knows what's best even if he squashes this dream.
that we would follow where he leads even if we can't see where he's taking us.

xoxo