it's empty

{found via pinterest from tumblr}

there's an empty room in our house. it has been that way for over a year.
there's stuff in it, sure. but no people. no child lives there.
it has waited there much more patiently than i have.
holding a crib, an infant carseat, baby books,
an elephant lovey meant for little arms, and "big brother" and "big sister" shirts in sizes that are rapidly becoming too small.

it holds all of the things that i thought would be. that i hoped would be.
that i wanted to be. all the things for the child that hasn't yet been.
for the child that i don't know is coming.

i am beyond familiar with the concept of hope without expectation. but i hate living here in the midst of it.
because some days the hope slips a little too far.
some days i let go of it altogether, and the only thing connecting me back to it is the hand of jesus hemming me in.

many days lately i have been alright. really, truly fine.
i have looked at our kids and our life and have been overwhelmed with gratitude.

but there are moments where i think about that empty room, and i feel the ache of longing for a person i don't know. for a person i think is supposed to be there, but isn't.
and i wonder {yet again} about God's timing.
i wonder {yet again} what he's doing and why.
because i'm in it, but i still don't really have any idea.

i read this week that "trust is a torch in the blackest hole."
and honestly - sometimes it takes a while to strike that match in the dark.

as i look at this christmas season, i'm grateful, but i'm sad.
our kids are at such fantastic ages to see the magic of christmas unfold.
i am grateful.
there is also a palpable sense of loss.

those two things co-exist in me.
they have to.

there is a grateful heart.
there is also an empty room.

xo