back to the start

happy new year, friends!

i hope you got to enjoy some sort of break from your normal routine this holiday season. i hope it filled you with fresh life and breath. i hope you're looking at this clean slate of a year with wonder and excitement.

as i've reflected on 2018 i've realized that i've gotten away from writing for the sake of writing. i've let this little forum change from updates about life to updates about adoption. and don't get me wrong - i'm grateful for this whole adoption process. but while our normal life is not as exciting as the topsy-turvy journey of our adoption process, i like having a place to write about our life. to chronicle the big and the small. the mundane and the unexpected.

i will still use this space to post updates if anything happens with our adoption process. but there are no guarantees that anything will happen in our adoption process. so, i've decided i'm going to take this space back. i'm going to take it back to the start of what it was and why i started it in the first place.

**

the last week or so i feel like i've finally started accepting that God is in control, and that he knows what's best.

i know that probably doesn't make sense.

the thing is - i've known for a very long time that God is in control, but the last couple of months it has been overwhelmingly difficult for me to trust that he knows what's best.

his best hasn't felt the best, and my feelings often attempt to upend what i know to be true. but this morning as i've thought about this new year spread before me, and the possibilities encompassed in it, and the "maybe, maybe not" rolled up in the adoption process, i've realized that i'm finally okay with whichever way it goes.

maybe we'll adopt soon. but if this whole eighteen months of emotional ping-pong has simply been an avenue for me to learn how to trust that God knows best, and to learn how to start being content in circumstances that i don't like, i'm finally okay with that.

peter has told me over and over again - since the beginning of this process - that our family is not incomplete. being in this adoption process and believing that God has us here to adopt another child does not mean that remaining a family of four is somehow lesser.

we cannot fully understand the ways of God because he is God. we are not. he is outside of space and time. we trust that he will lead, and we will follow, and however it goes he is still capable of moving mountains and forming oceans, and speaking things into being with his very breath.

he is trustworthy and true.
even when it doesn't make sense to me.


i hope your 2019 is full of hope, even in the hard.

xoxo