finding my feet again

hi. how are you?
i know i know, i've been m.i.a. for a while. i feel like i've been missing myself a bit too.

lately the only times i've had to write are at the tail end of the day, and i've just been t-i-r-e-d. a glass of wine and catching up with my husband was so much easier than doing the hard work to parse through all of the thoughts inside this head of mine.

i feel like i only just found my summer legs a couple of weeks ago - after july already started. and now here we are, less than a week from iris' first birthday, and the inception of another august, and wrapping up the summer i've just now gotten a hold of.

anyway,
here we are.
three kids.
a rhythm to our days.
and yet - i feel like i should be doing
so.much.more.
i've felt a bit lost. like what i do isn't enough.
it's not because i have a ton of time in my days to add in other things, but simply because there's this bubble of discontent that keeps springing up inside of me.

there's always something else to do. to think about. to learn about. to read. {oh, the books on my list! i think it would take a few lifetimes to read them all.}

we're coming to a different stage of life. we're not there yet, but we can see it.
since the very beginning of our marriage - almost 13 years ago - we've slowly pushed to get to this place. we crept and crawled through years of bringing our three kids into our family.

it was a much bigger and longer process than i ever could've anticipated. in many ways i feel behind. seven years behind actually {but we don't need to get into that now}.

but now we have all of our kids. we're done with that piece of our lives. and our kids are at such great ages. they're incredibly fun, albeit unbelievably frustrating at times. but that's life. because i'm still incredibly frustrating at times so i don't anticipate that going away any time soon.

all of that to say that i feel like it's time to start planning other things on a more specific scale. we've been planning things for years, but now there's an actual year that coincides with "when our kids are older..." planning. and i feel lost. because i've been living in this "wait for it" land for so long.

i feel like certain choices are back on the table now. and i'm suffering from a paradox of choice. i almost feel like i don't know what i'm good at anymore. not that i've lost myself entirely, but i've gotten so used to being this one piece of myself in this one place that i can't quite remember some of the others.

i'm hoping that getting back to writing will help me remember some of those pieces. that getting back to writing will help me realize what i'm really thinking and which direction i want to go in certain areas.

i guess you could say that i don't want to wait for life to happen anymore. and yet, i don't want to rush headlong into something i'll regret later. it's time to find the happy medium. to do a few things that scare me.
to go ahead and jump.

want to come?

xoxo