just because
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m: this happened because (enter some reason for something here)
me: why?
m: (sigh.) because (blah blah blah blah blah), obviously.
me: why?
m: (bigger sigh.) BECAUSE (blah blah blah blah blah blah blah).
me: why?
m: *walks away*
yes, i was the perfect little sister sometimes and drove my brother absolutely insane with my constant questions. once we got a couple of whys into it i didn't even listen to his response because i knew it had become a game that drove him nuts. and that was my goal as the little sister, after all.
so why do you need to know this?
well, you don't really, but it's what i thought of when i started thinking about writing today.
why? because.
but why?
just because.
because it felt like a day to write. because it has been too long since i've really had a chance to delve into the depths and think through what is happening in the world, and in my world, and when i get to that point of no return i HAVE to write. or nothing makes sense.
after i write there's a 50/50 shot that nothing makes sense, but i can make-do if i've processed all of the things. or at least kind of made sense of a couple.
if i don't write there's a 100% chance that nothing makes sense. even if you can look at my world and make perfect sense of it, i can't. not in that moment. not when everything is reeling and i feel completely out of control.
and lately, things are just the same. it's a whole lot of same-ness. for so many days.
the same-ness is getting to me.
i'm a girl who likes routine. i like to know what's coming, and i plan my days accordingly.
i plan my days. i start at the beginning of the week and i look at what's coming down the pike and i make sure i can get it done.
{and some days i fail miserably. some weeks even.}
but lately i've stopped using my planner at all.
because geez louise. 8 weeks of this? two MONTHS. it's a lot of same-ness. a lot of repetition.
it's a lot of time for things to build up.
it's a lot of time to feel like i maybe kind of have a handle on things, finally, and then for my brain to throw up a big giant stop sign because i don't even know what i think anymore.
and that is a problem. not knowing what i think is a big problem.
so, if you're up for reading my stream of consciousness that may or may not make sense, then by all means
keep
on
reading.
and if you want to pack it up and call it quits right here and now - i don't blame you.
{i don't know what's coming either.}
so, come on alice, we're going down the rabbit hole.
it feels a bit like we're all coming apart at the seams. not because we're all sick, but because right now there's a lack of human connection beyond our own individual families.
guys, i love my family SO much. i'm grateful for them every day. even when they're driving me up a freakin' wall. i am grateful for them, and i am grateful for a little bit of extra time with them right now when i put it in the context of - i won't get this time back. i won't get these days back. so yes, at the end of the day, i'm extremely extremely grateful.
but i also know that there's a reason for the saying "it takes a village," and that's because it actually takes a village of people surrounding us to raise our kids well. it takes a spider web of connections so we get caught up. so our kids get caught up and don't fall through the cracks. it's a safety net for all of us. and right now - the net is disintegrating. someone took a broom to our webs, and they're all broken up.
there's a reason why we crave human connection -
because we need it.
about ten years ago a group of us helped out with some projects for a week at a homeless shelter for women, and i remember the director of that shelter telling us that if women end up in a homeless shelter it's usually {not always} because they don't have any support left. it's usually because one way or another their bridges have been burned and there's no one they can turn to for help. and that stuck with me. the thought of having no support.
but there are so many people who are in that place.
there are so many people who don't have anyone looking out for them.
there are people who have to sleep with one eye open because they're not in a safe, stable, steady place.
we need each other.
we need other people.
we all need help sometimes.
we need to know without a shadow of a doubt that someone has our back.
we were built, made, created to be in relationship with other people.
i think we're all learning that to an extent that we didn't fully understand before. most of us have never in our lifetimes lived through something like this. and honestly, i don't know what will happen when the stay-at-home orders are lifted and we're allowed to go back to normal. because i don't think we should go back to the old normal. i think we need to process through this here and now so we know what we want normal to look like. because there are plenty of things we'll want to get back to, yes {like babysitters and date nights}. but there are plenty of things that we shouldn't get back to too. there are plenty of things that we did before that only make sense in the short-term.
so what are those things? what are the things that will kill you because you're putting the good things in the place of the ultimate thing?
after all, in the wrong context just about everything will destroy you.
and my heart is so heavy right now because i can see the different ways that we're getting destroyed. we live in a hurting and broken world. some of those things are obvious and in your face, and some of them are subtle and stealthy.
but maybe it feels like we're coming apart at the seams because we are - ever so slowly. good things can be and should be enjoyed. they should be celebrated. but we also need to make sure that we're not putting other people into a place that only God is big enough to handle.
there are so many things we try to throw in there.
so
many.
{sidenote: this is one of those nights when i know i need to get some sleep, but i also know that i'm barely scratching the surface. this is one of those nights when i would've been up until 2 or 3 a.m. pre-kids.}
because it's not just about the people around us. it's about the God who made us. it's about knowing that we're asking other people - our spouses, our kids, our families, and our friends - to be something they were never meant to be. and then we're devastated when they can't live up to the hype we've created around them. and usually we devastate them in the process because they're trying so hard to live up to it - they're trying so hard to be something they were never meant to have to be.
my husband is amazing, but he's not God. he is not ultimate. and if i treat him like he is then i'm setting us up for failure.
my kids are some of the very best pieces of my life and make parts of me come alive that don't exist without them. and yet, they are not ultimate.
being a mom is an amazing thing. but the ultimate thing is about being a child of God.
there are all of these things that i wonder about myself. there are lots and lots of things i wonder about my life.
will i accomplish anything that matters? am i leaving anything significant behind me as i go?
because at the end of the day, i want to matter. {there, i said it. i'm vain. i want to matter.}
but the real question is whether i believe the truth, or the lie of the snake. because i believe that we are all created in the image of God. we are all imago Dei. but that means that i believe that about me. i was created in the image of God. and that means that i believe that about you too. you, my friend, were also created in the image of God.
and it also means that i don't actually get to decide if i matter or not. and making whether or not i matter in some "significant" way to "people" means that i will let my focus be supplanted by a questionable thing - not even a good thing - and steal my eyes away from the only one who can bestow significance in the first place.
{and since i do have 3 children who will not let me get enough sleep otherwise, i'll leave it there for now.}
xo
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