false fall

i’m not sure why i expect anything different 15 years in, but fall in the south is kind of a cruel joke for one who waits all year for it. i have yet to wear long sleeves for an entire day without sweating through my shirt, let alone try a sweater. one day i got stubborn because the morning came in with an absolutely delicious chill, and i wore a sweatshirt while i ran errands. but of course, i had to wear it with shorts and change out of it as soon as i got home from the store at 10 a.m.

every year my husband reminds me that every year i get salty about the state of the autumn {or really the lack thereof}. and he's right, i do. but i really believe it should feel like the anne of green gables version of october by the time we get to october. i mean, this isn’t september where i've {at least kind of} accepted that i will hope in vain for cooler temperatures and while simultaneously being welcomed by 95 degree days the whole month through. i love fall. real, actual fall, not just a slightly less hot summer with the mosquitoes still eating their hearts out. 

maybe i should just move to canada? {how many mosquitoes are there in canada?}

i don't think the family would go for it if i'm being honest.

{i'd probably enjoy the heck out of it though.} 

anyway. we're currently quarantining. 

you may already know that, but for those who don't - one of our daughters has covid and thus we're all home in a big jumble of family and work and trying to distance the children from one another so as to not spread something that doesn't seem to be spreading. we've been like this since monday. it has only been 4 days, but she hasn't been bad {read: she's been her normal self just with a cough and possibly even more energy than usual} and is already improving. none of the rest of us have symptoms so it's kind of like a mandatory break of sorts from our normal life. but we're still trying to work like we normally would while in the midst of not leaving our house save for nature walks. it's such a strange reality. 

obviously this means we can't do the normal evening things we would normally do. no soccer practices, no music lessons, no running out to the store. 

granted the lack of evening plans also has a big impact on having time to sit down and write. and for that i am grateful because i feel more like the version of myself whom i actually kind of understand.

but i do miss fall. i miss fall right in the midst of it because it's not really here yet. there are a few leaves on the ground, but when you look at the trees near us they're still more green than anything else.

i want the bonfires and the boots and the cozy sweaters and the blankets. i want to wear all of the cute jackets that languish in my closet for ¾ of the year. i’d love to wear a sweater for an entire day and not sweat through it. i've been wearing one off and on today because i'm trying to force the issue. {thus far the weather doesn't seem to care.}

i want to see the steam rising off of a mug of coffee in the morning because of the chill in the air. i want to breathe in fresh cool air that smells like the crunch of leaves underfoot.

i want fall to come, yes. but i don’t just want it to come. i want to experience it. i don’t want it to be just the underlying thing that’s happening outside. i want to breathe it in and breathe it out and savor it.

i think that's part of what i've missed these last few months. i feel like i haven't been able to pause and savor what's happening. maybe some of what i'm missing is just that it doesn't feel like i have the time to notice. to really take it all in and understand where i am mentally or where my kids are. and that really doesn't feel ok. 

i love fall because of the weather and the cooler temperatures, but i also love fall because of the feelings that come with it. fall reminds me of some of the best times in my life. there's a coziness to it. there are new beginnings and deep breaths. 

yes, in some ways things are just as crazy as summer, but there is usually more of a rhythm to life. the ebbs and flows are more predictable. 

the unpredictability of covid has made me more adaptable this past year and a half, but the forced slow-down that is happening in our lives at the moment is honestly not something that i'm all that upset about now that i know none of us have been terribly affected by it.

i'm choosing to lean into the rainy days full of forts in the living room and a lot less rushing about to get from one place to the next. our people have shown up big for us too - from meals and store runs to little front porch treats left from nana & papa, and a gift of a giant empty box courtesy of our neighbors for the aforementioned living room fort building. we've had soccer matches in the backyard, walks through the woods, movie watching, science experiments on the back porch, and lots of free play time to let the kids' curiosity run wild.

i wouldn't have picked this to happen right now, but it has shown me more than i ever thought it would about where we are as a family and how much my reaction to an unexpected situation matters. how willing am i to look for the good parts? 

my mindset is changing even now. even in the small moments. or maybe especially in the small moments. 

i've also toyed with the idea of writing a book, but we all know that once regular life sets back in i will no longer be under the pretense of having enough time for that. 

after all, life doesn't stop completely even if it feels like we've hit the pause button for a bit right now.

 are you having real fall where you are right now?

i hope you are and i hope it's the best.

xoxo