find the words

i'm not sure i have the words anymore, and that fear has kept me from putting thoughts down in this space for the past few weeks. i started another post then - a few weeks ago - but my thoughts have not formed enough to put that out into the world. too much of it still remains grey matter waiting stubbornly inside of my head, so i must wait for another day to make sense of it.

honestly, i don't know what this space is for anymore, but you're welcome to come with me while i sputter around trying to work it out. 

this lovely monday settles in around me on the porch. it remains mostly still out here save for the call of the hawk, and the errant barking of a few neighborhood dogs. 

we have made our way to september somehow, and for the first time in many years, september actually feels mostly like fall. i purchased trader joe's spiced apple cider yesterday, and am drinking it hot without breaking out into a sweat. miraculous, honestly.

all of the fall things have started for our family as of this week - the last one kicks off tomorrow - and i feel like i've started to settle back into my life at home. 

things take time. 

often more time than i would like to admit. 

labels can change abruptly, but people rarely do. 

i feel that deeply right now. the desire to stay open to change and to what will come next, all while waiting for some indication of which road to take. 

how do i wait well?

patience has always been a virtue i recognize in others, but it has never come easily or quickly for me. 

{do naturally patient people exist?}

the truth is, i constantly seem to reach for what comes next, but the common denominator in my favorite memories are things that forced me to stay present. to actually be in it.

to spend the time as annie dillard says in pilgrim at tinker creek. whether i enjoy the time or not, it will pass.

whether i clean the bathroom or not, the time will pass.

whether i have the conversation or not, the time will pass.

whether i choose the best way, or some secondary one,

the time will still pass.

this life remains temporary, but somehow still matters for eternity.

and lately i have wondered:

am i living my life, or just thinking about it?

xoxo