pregnancy brain?

{found via pinterest. universal blueprint}

i've been trying to write a post for about a week and a half now, and every time i sit down to write, my pregnancy brain takes over, and i go blank.

blank-blank.

and regardless of the fact that i had some idea in my head when i sat down to write, it dissipates immediately and i got nothin. 

sure, things are happening in our world. spring is always super busy because of my coaching schedule getting added to our normal schedule, but somehow things feel both more and less hectic this year. 

i know it's on the early side, but i've felt the baby some in the last week or two. and the baby is also starting to show more than keane did at this stage. i can't say i'm thrilled about that part. peter isn't either  since he has to constantly remind me that my belly is supposed to get bigger when i'm pregnant. i just didn't want to get as big as quickly. i'm very self-conscious about it. more than i should be, but it is what it is.

i think in part it's hard for me because there is a sort of expected helplessness that comes with pregnancy. to a certain extent the rest of the world seems to think that because i'm pregnant i'm helpless, and i shouldn't do anything at all. 

it's almost like - okay, you're pregnant, so you are your pregnancy from now until the baby is born. you are nothing but an incubator. incubate well.

ok, yes, sometimes i use being pregnant as an excuse - but that's usually only when i want peter to do something so i don't have to, like taking out the trash or walking the dog. sometimes i get away with it, and sometimes i don't. he is a very reasonable and rational person so when i'm being unreasonable and irrational he doesn't take too kindly to it.

he is pretty fantastic when it comes to giving me back-rubs though. it might have something to do with the fact that he doesn't want to hear me explain to him that the uterus is only connected in two places in your lower back, and since my uterus tips backwards it makes the discomfort that much worse for me. he heard that enough when i was pregnant with keane...

anyway, i know i sound a bit frustrated, mostly because i am. but it's not because i'm frustrated with being pregnant, exactly. it's more that i'm just a bit frustrated with myself for putting too much of my identity into how i look. i'm frustrated with myself for allowing my tiredness to supersede my desire to continue working out as often as i should. i'm frustrated that all too often i let myself be seen as someone who is just a pregnant belly, and i see her when i look in the mirror. i'm not frustrated with what it is, i'm frustrated with my own reaction to it. and whom i've allowed it to make me. i'm frustrated with the fact that said reaction isn't better.

in light of this i've decided that sometimes you have to be a little crazy and risky and daring. if a life is lived to simply be safe, we miss out on grand and amazing things. 

i cannot live my life - even my pregnant life - as a time to just wait out life. i have to continue to live. sure, some of the things i normally do need to be altered, but that doesn't mean i need to turn into someone wholly different than who i am. i don't [and shouldn't] need to lose myself on account of having and raising kids. sure, things will change, but when i'm a mom i do not cease to be other things as well. 

so there you have it.

here's to the trying.

xo