okay, so i'll admit, this pregnancy has shown me a few things about myself. most big life events will do that, i think, but this has brought out a "lovely" color in me. peter has reminded me that i'm not good at being pregnant. you may think this reminder a little cruel. and it would be if it weren't so freakin' true.
no, i'm not terribly good at being pregnant. and the truth of the matter is that the reason behind this fact has something to do with vanity.
i've worked out my entire life, [no, really, i started gymnastics at four, soccer at six, and ran in my first race at the age of nine or ten.] and i actually enjoy working out. i like running. i like being able to jump in and play soccer with the girls i coach, and to play against guys at the sports-center. i like yoga and strength training and i even like the feeling of waking up a little sore. so i don't take too kindly to the fact that i'm putting on weight, even if it's due to the fact that i'm growing a human. and not being able to push myself to the brink is frustrating, even if it's for the best reason. and it is.
it's not that i'm upset by any stretch that i'm pregnant. not at all. it's just that i don't do so well with all of the puffiness and the tiredness and the super-size swimsuit i'm going to have to rock this summer. nor do i love the fact that even though i'm only 14 weeks i'm already a little pudgy. apparently this is not abnormal once you've had a child, but it still doesn't thrill me. nor does it thrill me when i have people essentially say "it looks like you're pregnant again" when i'm only 14 weeks - especially when they don't know and i could've just put on a few pounds - but some people just like attempting to put their foot in their mouth, i guess.
but that's what i mean. i'm thrilled that i'm pregnant. ecstatic about having another baby, just not exactly over-the-moon about everything that comes with it. i don't love waking up wondering what will and will not fit on any given day. i don't love only wearing certain clothes and needing to skip out on some of my favorites for a whole year because they don't work with the baby belly. i don't love the weeks of walking around looking like i just stopped working out - like i've simply put on a few pounds instead of looking like i'm pregnant.
so yes, this time even more than last time i'm realizing how very vain i am. vain. vain. vain.
it's not that i'm proud of it. quite the contrary, actually, but i am willing to admit it. because when something slaps you in the face day after day after day you get kind of sick of living in a constant state of denial.
i constantly want to go shopping because i quickly grow sick of the clothes i can wear, but then i realize how little i'm actually going to use whatever i buy, and i question the merit of buying something new.
basically pregnancy makes me feel a little stuck in some other areas of my life. not all to be sure, and not so much that i'm at all upset about being pregnant. it's just a time of transition.
of course, the more our family changes, and the more keane grows, the more i realize that times of transition become constant once children enter a family. they change everything. i know that one child changes everything - and everything continues to change as he becomes more autonomous. and a second one will change everything all over again. and eventually a third will too.
life and constancy do not go hand in hand. at one point i thought that life would get to a place of routine and normalcy. i did not count on the reality of the situation, that everyone changes constantly. and that is true of families whether or not the members of said family are children or adults. we don't "arrive" in life until we breathe our last breath.
so yes, i get frustrated with pregnancy at times, but it's no different than life in general. i grow frustrated with that at times too. pregnant or not. and at the end of the day, despite my vanity. i'm more than a little grateful.
i am grateful for the little brown eyes that stare up at me every morning from the confines of a crib. for the blue-grey-green eyes that i catch a glimpse of as he kisses me before he leaves for work in the morning. i am thankful for my man, and our little man, and everything they add to my life. and i am so very grateful for the little eyes and the little body still being formed in me. the little parts of our littlest baby whom God is in the process of forming right now.
i am vain, but i am far more grateful.