quiet in the chaos

right now i sit in our family room surrounded by quiet except for the errant voices drifting over from the pool on this late summer saturday. this kind of quiet only comes when everyone else naps, and i stay up drinking some afternoon coffee and thinking about life.

i should probably nap too, but moments to sit and think come so rarely now that i wanted to take advantage of it.

life promises to stay hectic for a while. the gradual slow-down will happen of course, but i have tried to enjoy the chaos despite the chaos.

there are things about this specific time that i just want to get past. i want to get to the 6 weeks out from a c-section so i can feel like a normal person, and pick up my son, and start exercising again. but 6 weeks out is a long time in the life of an infant. six weeks of life looks very different from less than 1 week of life. and even as i dislike and even dread parts of this time in adele's life - and this time of life in the world of our family - i don't want to miss it.

i don't want to miss keane getting to know his sister, and adele starting to understand her family. i don't want to miss watching them both grow over the course of something that will stretch them and their character.

i know that one day i will wake up and they will both be out of the house, and i will think back to these moments. the times when keane woke up because adele cried too loudly, and the first words he said were "baby! baby!" - very concerned for the well-being of his little sister. the times when he picked up his toys to show to her, and leaned his face into her to kiss her goodnight. the times when she reacted to his voice alone as he ran circles around the room playing with his toys.

one day i will think back and realize that because they are so close in age not only will adele never remember a time when keane wasn't around - he will not remember a time before her either.

sure, there are things that are driving me a little crazy right now, but all of it will pass one way or another, and i have a choice to make about how i react in the midst of it.

yes, life is chaotic. yes, life will be chaotic. the house will not always be clean. the kids will not always do what we'd like. schedules will interfere, appointments will run long, traffic will be bad, time for reflection will not always be available. but i can freak out about it - which will happen from time to time, though hopefully not as often as it used to - or i can breathe and take it in, and realize that life will pass by one way or another. and i can choose how i react to it.

i can be thankful for my kids and my husband. i can be thankful for the car i have to get stuck in traffic, and the house i have to get messy. i can be thankful for appointments with professionals who care for my family, and schedules that involve living life with other people. i can be thankful, or i can be upset. sometimes i will get upset, i know. because i haven't lived under a rock for the last 30 years, and i know myself well enough to know that. but sometimes i can take deep breaths, and remember the things i know in the quiet moments. and i can bring that quiet peacefulness into the chaos.

i can teach my kids to freak out, or to breathe, and calm down. every day, i have a choice to make.




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