guilt-trippin

i've wanted to write a lot over the past few days, and i've actually gotten to write exactly zero times. and i hate that. i hate that i lost some of those things for good.

lately i've been feeling guilty a lot. and the ridiculous thing is that most of the things that eat away at me are probably not things i should feel guilty about. there are a lot of divisive things in the world. a lot of things that can turn you against others, and a lot of things that can turn you against yourself for no good reason.

honestly i often feel guilty for dreaming about having a career after my kids are older. i feel guilty for wondering what my life would look like if i chose a different path. i do not regret my decisions. sometimes i just wonder how things would have played out. 

i feel guilty for wanting time away. guilty for putting keane down in front of a tv show or a movie. guilty for watching too much tv myself while i try to comfort a fussy baby. i feel guilty for not making more time for my husband. guilty for wanting a break from my kids. guilty for wanting to work out more, and guilty for disliking my post-pregnancy body right now. i feel guilty for my house looking like a bomb went off. i feel guilty for leaving keane in his crib while i feed adele in the morning. or frankly, if he's not upset, for leaving keane in his crib while i try to catch just a little more shut-eye. 

i feel guilty for not finding a way to get out of the house more than i do with the kids because that means i rely on my introvert husband for much of my conversation. i feel guilty for not having written more thank you notes for the gifts we were given when adele was born. 

more often than not over the course of my day - i feel guilty.

i don't say all of this because i want you to tell me i shouldn't feel so guilty all of the time. 

i know that. 

i say it because i'm realizing more and more every day the extent to which the pressures of the culture we live in can really mess with you. 

or me, in this case.

i am grateful for many things, so please don't read this as a bitter diatribe raging against everything that surrounds me. i've just had a lot of time to think lately, and i've realized how much time i spend wishing i didn't feel so guilty about everything.

it doesn't mean nothing needs to change, or that i should never feel guilty about anything. but i also shouldn't feel guilty for everything.

there is undue pressure on people to "have everything" to "do it all" and i'm increasingly realizing how ridiculous that is.

i am both thrilled that i get to stay at home with my kids, and consistently frustrated that i cannot even go to the bathroom without leaving the door open most of the time.

when i write and when i stop and really think about life i realize that there are so many things that i want to do. and i have trouble remembering that every chapter looks a little bit different, and now is not the time to do everything all at once.

there really isn't a time to do everything all at once. and that is okay. or at least it should be okay.

i need to realize that i'm not good at everything, and reorder my expectations to fit where we are right now. it's hard to do that though. it's hard to wait for anything nowadays. most things happen so immediately that it's hard to imagine purposefully putting off something that you really want to do.

i'm not saying that it's not worth it to press it sometimes. sometimes something comes up and you push on through and make time for it because you can't pass up the opportunity. but often we press it without needing to, and we wonder why life is so crazy all the time.

too often i fly from too little to too much without stopping in the middle where there's actually a good life balance.

one day i hope i figure it out.

anyway, all of that to say that unnecessary guilt steals away life. we've only been given so much time on this earth. i don't know how much time i have left exactly, but i know i don't want to waste it.

here's to shrugging off the unnecessary guilt.

xoxo