the last week

two months. two years. 
we come to both milestones this week.

adele is now 2 months old. and on friday keane turns 2.

this is the last week i technically have two babies. the last week of two kids under 2.
we even moved keane into a big boy bed last night. [it's a fire truck bed, and it's pretty fantastic. it helps that he likes playing in it even when he's not sleeping!]

i know that in many ways the fun is just beginning. truthfully though, part of me is scared for what comes next in keane's life. it seems easier to protect kids when they're little.

the older he gets the more autonomous he becomes. that is a good thing. but it also means he makes his own choices, and learns his own lessons.

he now wants to play more with other kids, and that is a good thing as well. but the older kids don't always want to play with him. that is hard to watch and to explain since he doesn't understand why. [it's hard for me to understand too since i think he's pretty much the greatest little guy ever.]

it is a tenuous line to walk as a parent - wanting to both protect your kid, and help him put himself out there because that is what's best for him. even if it means he takes a few knocks along the way.

no one is perfect. and i know that there will be times when i find myself on either end of the spectrum. sometimes my kids will be the ones that get left out, and despite our best efforts as parents sometimes they will be the ones leaving out others.

life can be brutal. some days and phases and instances are simply harder than others. and some are simply hard.

i hate seeing my kiddos hurt even if that hurt is necessary for growth. i hate seeing it; even if i have to allow it since i truly want the best for them.

milestones make me introspective in case you couldn't tell. they give me pause. in this case they make me look back and think - wow, how crazy is it that we've been parents for almost 2 years? how crazy is it that our little girl has been around for 2 months already? if you would have told me all this three years ago i would have called you a liar. three years ago i thought i just wasn't going to be able to have biological children. and now i kiss two of them every morning when they wake up.

my sister-in-law got married just over a week ago. and one of the many things we discussed prior to the wedding was the fact that you never quite feel old enough, or ready enough to be where you are. [and yes, there are exceptions that prove the rule...]

despite the fact that we struggled with infertility, and that according to my original plan i would have three kids by now, i don't really feel like i know what i'm doing.

i don't feel 30. i don't feel old enough to be 30. or to have two kids. or to have just celebrated 8 years of marriage.

i don't feel ready to parent a two year old. and to start figuring out things like preschool. and how to buy christmas presents now that he will remember them if i buy them while he's with me.

i don't even know how to go grocery shopping with both of them at once.

i know that these things will come with time. i know that at one time i felt "as ready as i could be" to
get married even though i didn't exactly know what that meant. i felt both ready for marriage, and like i was way too young for it. now the normalcy of marriage is staggering.

for the first 6 months or so of keane's life it still felt strange that i had a child. the words "my son" sounded strange to my ears despite how excited i was that they were true.

now our family being a family of four still seems strange. it seems strange that we have a son and a daughter.

i think that no matter how ready you are for something big - no matter what sort of due diligence you do - you're never as ready as you think you are. you're simply as ready as you can be having never had the experience before.

that thought both scares me and comforts me all at once. on one hand you're just never really ready for much. on the other hand, nobody is ever completely ready. no one has experienced what they've experienced until they've experienced it. [makes sense, right?] basically, most people feel just as lost as i do, if not more so.

we all like to think we have life figured out, but the truth is, we're all figuring it out as it goes. we're all piecing it together one step at a time.

the piece that i'm putting into place right now is letting go of having two babies, and moving into the next territory. moving into the next phase.

and while these moments with young kids can be more than a little challenging at times, i'm also confident that this next phase is going to be a good one. ready or not.

here's to two years and to two months.
here's to the last week.


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