morning confessions

{found via pinterest from sally's
baking addiction

this morning i woke up later than i planned. i don't feel like writing. i haven't felt much like doing many things i need to do over the last few days. life feels a bit ugly and messy even though it's mostly put together. i feel like all of my energy is going into holding things together instead of moving things forward.

i'm tired. i'm hungry. i'm moody. and lately, i've felt like a bad wife and a bad mom. i feel like there's not nearly enough time to do everything i want to do at this stage in life. i don't have much time for projects. i feel a bit like i've lost my dreams. i'm not seeing past the life that is in front of my face right now. when i stop to think about it the life that's in front of my face is pretty great. i just don't feel like i can see past it. i don't want to get to the end of this stage, have a bit more bandwidth, and not be able to use it well because i got lost in the day to day-ness of right now.

but there has to be balance.

right now i don't feel balanced. right now i'm sick of this food cleanse we're doing. very sick of it. yes, we're in the home stretch. we're coming down the pike. wednesday {as in tomorrow} we get to start adding food back in - though not all at once. {if you have no idea what i'm talking about you can see my previous post on the subject here.}

there are many different foods i'm looking forward to being able to eat again, but for the last three days all i've wanted is a combination of peanut butter and chocolate. i've pinned more pb/choc combination desserts in the last 3 days than i have for the previous however many years i've been on pinterest. seriously. this girl misses sugar something fierce.

and let me tell you how much -- last night the kids had some celery with peanut butter as part of their dinner and of course they each had peanut butter all over them by the time they finished. and i was holding adele after she was done and out of her seat, and i just sat there with her deeply inhaling to take in the peanut butter smell.

you know how they say a large part of taste is in the smell? yep. i was getting as much of that smell-taste as i could.

life has been crazy for these last couple of weeks. work is crazy for peter. soccer season has officially and fully kicked off for me. this means i've mostly given up on housework. not entirely. i do sweep the kitchen once or twice a day because otherwise we'd have mountains of food under the table. i'll vacuum the dining room after the kids have a couple meals there for the same reason i sweep the kitchen. i don't clean the playroom much at all, but it just seems so futile to clean the playroom. as soon as i scoop up all the legos, the whole bin gets dumped out again.

plus, if i do clean the playroom i find myself following the kids around putting things away even if they may not have actually been done playing with them. as soon as they set something down it goes back where it belongs. everyone tends to wind up frustrated with that system. hence, i don't clean the playroom very often.

i'll clean the bathrooms when they look like they need it, or when we have company coming {because a dirty bathroom is really quite gross}.

but i'm not a fan of cleaning. it's nice to sit in a clean house, sure. it's also nice to sit down with a cup of coffee and a book or my journal in a house that's just kind of "eh" if it means i get to sit down and read or write instead of cleaning.

this morning i'd like a lot more time to write without a 3 year old sitting on my lap, and a toddler waking up in her crib. sidenote: it still seems odd that adele is old enough to be a toddler. she has been for a while, but my mind hasn't quite wrapped itself the whole way around that. i'm beginning to understand the whole parenting phenomenon of "i can't possibly have a..." preschooler, kindergartener, middle schooler, teenager, etc. a lot better since i don't really have a baby anymore.

this morning i'm thinking about how much i'm not a huge fan of early mornings. still. i'd much rather have late nights. still. even now. even when i've been greeting the early morning for a while now.

don't get me wrong - i appreciate the morning far more than i used to. i just hate the fact that i could, and do, get interrupted at any moment.

but a lot of that goes back to my expectations, and foolishly thinking that just because my kids *should* sleep until 7 or so doesn't mean they actually will.

keane was such a good sleeper for the majority of his young life that now that adele sleeps a fraction of the time he used to {as in over an hour less each night, and doesn't always nap very well} i realize how much i was mistaken before. i used to attribute far too much to the scheduling we did with him. we tried to schedule adele the same way, but she just wasn't having it. apparently sleep is not nearly as appealing to her as it is to the rest of us in this house.

anyway, i was one of those people that i didn't want to be when keane was very small. i knew i didn't have everything all figured out, but there was a part of me that took a certain pride in the fact that my kid would actually sleep at night. it turns out it didn't have much to do with me at all.

my final confession of the morning? i've been writing a little bit extra hoping and praying that adele would go back to sleep. as much as i love my kids when they wake up early like this my first response is not in keeping with how much i love them, but falls more in line with the sentiment: "i'll be much happier to see you in an hour. i'll love you better then." not i'll love you more, mind you. just that i'll be much better at it.

time to go rock with my daughter. my toddler daughter.
it's a rough life, i know.



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