the kind of monday that makes people hate mondays.

{found via pinterest. by camilo matiz, miami art basel} 

today has been more than a little rough. i've yelled at the kids. i've struggled to keep much of anything together. i've been a bad mom. and lately - if i'm being honest - i've felt like a bad mom a lot. 

i've also felt like i'm nothing but a mom. i don't have time for much else except cleaning up a gazillion messes a day, and trying to prevent our house from completely falling apart.

there are so many things that i want to do, but i rarely have time for most of them.

the thing is -- i love our kids so much. i love my husband, and i'm not upset about being a stay-at-home-mom. some days are better than others, but there are not many - or possibly any - jobs that would take me away from this gig right here.

that doesn't mean i enjoy every moment of it though. today is one of those days where the frustrating, maddening, tear-inducing, whiny moments have overwhelmed the good ones.

at one point i lay down on the floor because i was just so tired of the fighting, and cleaning up the same messes five times in a row. 

they had been at each other's throats all day, along with throwing things, dumping out food, and disobeying about 75% of what i asked them to do. not to mention the time i needed to spend spraying the ants getting in through the back door, and trying to prevent the two of them from killing each other while i cleaned the bathrooms, and folded laundry {which i got to do multiple times thanks to my little helpers deciding that helpfulness was not in the cards today.}

but when i defeatedly lay down on the floor they both came and snuggled with me to make me feel better. and we just stayed there for a few minutes. all together. content.

i know they aren't trying to make me crazy. they're young. they're learning, and growing, and we all have our days. God knows we've all had a rough one today. 

i'm sick of not being honest about how things are sometimes. because some days are like today. some days my behavior is ugly. too often i let my agenda get in the way of spending time with my kids. i yell too much. and i don't give them enough space to just be kids.

some days i self-medicate with sitcoms, chocolate, and coffee during naptime. i know that this too shall pass. i know it will. it always does. but some of these moments are just so long. 

days like this make me question everything because they're just hard. some days it's hard to remember that your blessings are blessings when they're spitting carrots in your face. 

i know i need to do better. i need to make changes. this is certainly not all about our kids making me crazy sometimes because me going crazy isn't on them. it's on me.

we always tell keane that it's okay to be upset, but he's still responsible for how he acts. 

and then i lose my temper.

not exactly the best example.

some days i know exactly how he feels when he just wants to scream and throw things. but that doesn't actually help the situation. just like my yelling tends to make things worse.

i've wanted to cry a lot today. because that's how some days are. today i haven't just felt like i'm failing {as i do many days}, but i have failed my kids. the only things i can do is tell them i'm sorry, ask their forgiveness, and pray that God would give me the strength and ability to do better this afternoon. and to do better tomorrow.

today is not one of those days that will show up in a photo album. i haven't instagrammed any of the many time-outs, or the food all over the floor. i haven't taken any selfies of my yelling. 

today is part of the grind. and if i'm being really honest, it has ground me. 

so i am trying to remember to be grateful for all of the blessings that i have, because there are many. there are many.

and even in the midst of the hard days, i cannot forget that. 

xoxo