feeling a little low

i've done a lot of thinking over the last week. i got hit by a bad version of a super quick {but AWFUL} stomach bug last weekend, and so i stayed quarantined from my kids for a couple days to make sure: 1. it was just a stomach bug, and 2. it was gone, and that they wouldn't catch it.

that meant that when i'm normally running errands, working on projects, and doing things all together as a family, i was in bed. sleeping. and thinking. 

and that time made me realize that i'm mourning. not for a person, but i'm grieving over this year. i'm grieving this summer. 

i know that sounds ridiculous in some ways. but that doesn't change it. 

i'm grieving for what it should have been. for all it could've been. for all the things that i wanted for it, but weren't.

for k's first summer of swim team. for many a trip to the science museum and rides on the light rail. for trips to the kids' museum and the bookstore. for whole days spent at the pool. for a’s swim lessons to get her to the point of zero worries in the water. for visits to the library and the splash park. for taking the kids to carowinds. for day trips to discover towns and cities within an hour or two. for play dates at chick-fil-a, and play dates in general. just simply for unmasked trips to the store.

there are so many things that i wanted for this summer. we got to do some things, yes. and i am truly grateful for that. i'm truly grateful that we still got to take a trip and see some people we love. i'm grateful for the neighborhood bonds we've made this summer, and more time at home to actually grow peppers and tomatoes without them getting killed by the heat. but i think it’s disingenuous to say that i’m not sad for what we’ve missed out on. it doesn’t mean we need to live there in that space of sadness, but there’s a difference between acknowledging it, and pretending it doesn’t exist. 

i know it doesn’t make us unique - everyone has missed out. everyone had things they wanted for this time that just didn’t happen. birthday celebrations were much smaller than planned. sports seasons were canceled. graduations didn't look like they were supposed to. gathering in general, community in general, friendships in general. they've all taken a hit. expectations have been shattered to bits.

we all know this. but i think for someone like me {who is not a huge fan of summer}, i'm a little surprised at how bittersweet i feel as we come to the end of the summer. i won't miss the heat or the constant humidity. i still hate mosquitoes, and five solid months of being all together at all times has gotten challenging for all of us. but, in a strange way i'm not quite ready for this to be the last week before my older two start school. 

normally i'm 98% ready, and 2% sad that it's back-to-school time. but this year it's more like 60-40. 

parenting is like that though. and for all of us right now - in the midst of a global storm that we're all trying to weather - none of it is fair. not for anyone. and just like i can want all kinds of amazingly great things for my kids, i'm not in control of everything. {in fact - big shock - i'm not in control of much.} i can't make all of the amazing things happen for them. 

for now, i can mourn what i wanted for this summer. i can process it. i can work through it. i can make my peace with it, and stop acting like it could've been any different. 

and then i can remind myself of all of the good that this time has given us. because different doesn't mean bad. different doesn't mean worse. true, it wasn't what we wanted, but we don't know how it would've turned out if things would've gone as planned. {our plans have a way of falling flat far too often anyway.}

xo