not yet

not yet. not yet. not yet.

not yet.

not.

yet.

for as long as a part of me has been waiting and pining for this day to come. i'm not ready. 

for the past few days i've been on an emotional roller coaster. i've tried to make sure that my older two are ready for school - and especially my kindergartener. i'm so excited for both of them, and over the moon for her. but suddenly, after five {at times very long} months of preparing for this day i find myself thinking: not yet.

because now that she goes to kindergarten, she's a school age kid. and as ready as she is for that {she's kind of ready for middle school in some ways} i'm not 100% sure that her mom is as ready as i thought i was in the midst of the "school can't come soon enough" part of the summer.

after i dropped them off at school this morning, my heart landed in my throat and two tears escaped down my cheeks. i knew it was coming, and i pulled it together after that. but still. it was hard to watch them walk into school.

they're ready. they're good. i'm grateful {read - over the moon} that their school has found a way to have the kids back for in person instruction. i'm grateful for slower days with our littlest. and yet. 

not yet.

sometimes letting go happens incrementally. so slowly that you don't really notice it. and then there are the days when another one starts kindergarten and you're left realizing that when she turns six she'll be ⅓ of the way through her childhood, and he's well past that, and have i done enough of the important things?

all day long i keep thinking i'm forgetting something. or i forgot something. and then i realize that i'm just missing two giant pieces of my heart who've been here without fail for the last five months and i'm not used to it yet. and i miss them. i'm unbelievably grateful they have the opportunity to go, but i'll be really excited to pick them up too.

my heart is torn. and i think in a way that's just the story of parenthood. it's wanting the best for them. and sometimes that means letting them go a little bit. sometimes it means being the mean parent. sometimes it means saying no. sometimes it means hard lessons. sometimes it means doing the hard things in the short term because it leads to long term gains. trying to teach those lessons often results in my butt getting handed to me by one of my children. it often results in my apology, or restless nights, or heartache. 

i fail a lot.

so i had to remind myself over and over again today that God holds my babies in the palm of his hand. he sees them when i don't. he alone can give them peace. 

and that whole peace thing goes for me too.

trying to hold something too big for my arms only results in unnecessary pain. my babies are more his than they are mine anyway. before they drew their first breaths, he knew them. he formed them. 

i know that just like every year i won't fully exhale until they're back home. but it does help to remember that we cannot flee from the presence of God. they only learn and grow by his grace. my will is nothing if it's not his.

can you tell that letting go of control is a lifelong struggle for me?

happy first day of school!

xo