again

it's that time again. it sneaks up on me every year. some of that is because it has actually gotten earlier, and some of it is because as i get older each day is a smaller percentage of my life so it actually seems to go faster too. 

or at least that's my theory. 

but school is upon us. yes, school. my older kids had their first day today. 

earlier this week i thought i was ready. the kids were bickering while i was trying to get work accomplished and i thought i would be good with sending them back and dive back into the world of focus {at least during nap-time}. but as i sit here thinking about it all starting again, i'm getting that squeezy feeling on my heart. 

they both said they had a good first day. and it's a relief that they're ready to be back in the swing of things. 

but i'm not quite sure i am.

i have to keep reminding myself that they were born to fly. it takes longer than most beings for humans to learn to use our wings, but we were not born to stay tethered forever. the goal of parenting is to guide them into competent, caring people who know how to manage their own ish. right?

we were not made to stagnate.

it gives me a peek into my soul to recognize that while there are many many days when i'm completely confident that i have no idea what i'm doing when it comes to parenting my children, there are also many times when i want to always be able to make it better for them even though i simultaneously know that this is the opposite of the goal. 

that's not what it's about. 

solving their problems for them creates bigger problems.

{see also: college students who cannot do their own laundry}

so we move forward. 

our kids grow older and get bigger. 

they try new things. 

we try to guide them through the things. 

and sometimes we all end up a big heap of hurt. 

we screw it up.

we apologize.

and we try again.

{and sometimes we cry because we don't want to try again.}

i've never felt so completely inadequate in any other endeavor than i feel as a parent. 

every day i'm sure i'm screwing it up. 

and let's be honest. 

i am. 

i know i screw up at least a few times every single day.

but i'm working on this whole brave over perfect thing. 

and trying to rest in the fact that God loves my children even more than i do.

and as they go back into their classrooms, and more and more out into the world, 

i cannot protect them from everything.

i wasn't meant to protect them from everything.

but striking the balance between letting them try on their own and not letting them fly too close to the sun... my heart jumps to my throat every time.

off they go again. 

up and at 'em. 

but God alone knows how much i miss them 

while they're away.

and isn't that part of the beauty of it all? they feel safest to try to fly when they know they have somewhere to land if they fall. 

may they always know they have a place to land.

and may i remember that as well. 

there's no better place than inside the hand of the Father.

xoxo