hating the past tense

was. did. loved. lived. 

The words are eating away at me. She's simply gone. I can't explain how all of those little things that I used to do without thinking about now have a deeper, richer meaning because they are connected to her. 

She lived a simple life, but she lived it so well. I can only echo the sentiment spoken at her funeral - I pray that one day I am worthy of such a celebration.

She lived well because she loved so well. 

Her words still reverberate in my head. At the end of every conversation she would say "I love you (too)" and every single time she said it the love was palpable and joyous and real. I never in my life doubted that she absolutely meant those words.

I can't help but believe that had she not outlived so many friends and loved ones the sanctuary would have been packed completely full Saturday morning. I know there was also a celebration in heaven as they welcomed her home.

It still hasn't hit me that she's gone. I don't know when it will hit me, and I can't even begin to guess when it will actually sink in. This weekend I kept waiting for her to shuffle out of her room in her robe and ask for her coffee. I kept waiting to kiss her wrinkled cheek and tell her I love her. 

There are so many moments that I will remember and cherish always. As I move forward I hope and pray that I will enjoy life, love people, and spread joy half as well as she did. 

I have no doubt that she has now heard "well done, good and faithful servant."

Rest in peace Gram


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