there are no words

I can't explain why I feel like crap and want to do nothing but sit in bed and surf the web today

I can't explain why the sky won't let the sunshine loose, but is determined to hold the clouds together and rain

I can't explain why I want to sit in silence when I would usually have a soundtrack for life gently pushing me through the day

I can't explain why I need to find and grasp beauty somewhere, even if it's in a picture of a far off place which I will never visit

I can't explain why I suddenly have the urge to pick up and move and be anywhere but where I am

I can't explain why a part of me wants to do anything not in this house, but the other part has me glued down without an ounce of motivation

I can't explain why none of my normal comforts have succeeded in comforting me

I can't explain why my creative juices have stopped flowing, and why the only way for me to catch a glimpse of what I'm trying to say is to write it all out and read it back to myself

I can't explain why things are the way they are, and why I wish some of them were anything but

I can't explain the simultaneous feeling and lack there of that courses through me and then subsides like the tide crashing on the seashore

I can't explain why I want to be anywhere else, but am almost afraid that anything else would not succeed in distracting me

I hate today

I hate the feelings I'm feeling

I hate the surges of emotion and the haunting lack that follows them

I hate the lack of talent and even the lack of humanness I feel today

I want to be full of wonderful and happy

but I'm brooding, lonely in my own mind and holding everything off at arms distance

I can't change it, believe me I've tried

I can't make it better

It seems I'm stuck doing the only thing I can do

nothing.

In this moment it seems as though the only purpose I was ever sure of is gone

i simply don't understand