all about the journey

my friday provoked much thought. i spent a large chunk of the afternoon immersed in a book inside my favorite coffee shop/café. unfortunately, i now need to turn what i read into a lesson for sunday school.

honestly, i love reading books; i love mulling over books, analyzing them and figuring out how they may fit into my life. and i honestly don't mind teaching sunday school. however, i highly dislike creating a "lesson."

anyway, there has been a lot on my mind lately. perhaps that is why i got a measly 3.5 or 4 hours of sleep thursday night, and why, at 11:30 AM on a saturday i'm lost in thought and still sitting in my pajamas.

i've been dissecting some of life's big questions lately, and i haven't found many answers. i keep coming back to the same things i "knew" before, and while on one hand that's a positive thing, the "answers" somehow seem a lot emptier. it's kind of like i'm throwing up my hands at the end, and that's all i have left. it's not that it's necessarily the best answer, it's simply the only one i can find.

last night peter asked me a whole bunch of questions about life -- what types of things do i daydream about? what motivates me? what annoys me? ALL of which were thought-provoking questions. now i feel a bit lost inside of those answers - a little sad that most of what i've dreamt about hasn't happened. [although to be fair, some of that lack isn't due to a lack of trying, which is even more depressing...]

in one sense it seems i'm at an impasse. i sit here and ask myself -- how now shall i live? and i would be lying if i said i wake up every day and actually know how to answer that question. even if i know, i don't know.

the song i'm listening to right now is extremely appropriate, so i think i'll end this rambling session with it:

even when your hope is gone

even when you're barely hanging on

even if you start to break

keep faith.

[matt wertz]