en français: les marées

peter and i have started listening to french radio online. that may sound weird, but we have both said at different times and places that we would like to understand and speak french (at least conversationally...) and we recently met someone who suggested listening to french (or whatever language) in order to get a better understanding of the rise and fall of the spoken language. that way, as you learn more you'll just hear the words, and already understand the sound of it.

it seems like a good suggestion. we shall see.

lately life has ebbed and flowed a lot. it seems less like a slow, steady turn, and more like the tides. changes occur multiple times a day instead of staying somewhat high or low for multiple days or weeks at a time.

it seems like i should have adequate time to do things i enjoy outside of the things i "have" to do, and yet i don't end most days feeling like i did anything real.

i feel stuck.
and the more i think about it, the more stuck i feel.
[it's a vicious cycle]

there is much to be thankful for, much to appreciate, much to do. many opportunities.
but what SHOULD i do?

and that is where it all breaks down.

it's so easy to romanticize things that i've done in the past, or the lives of others, and want something different -- something which seems like more.

but in memories it's much easier to siphon out the crap and remember only the good.

too often i look at my life and think about what i don't have, what i haven't done, what i can't do, where i'd rather be.
it's frustrating and depressing.

but i wonder,

when i look back and romanticize
this time of my life, what will i hope for?
what will i wish i had that i don't anymore?
what blessings am i missing right now
because i'm focusing on what i think i would prefer?

honestly, for as much as i like to be in control i haven't taken full responsibility for my life. yes, some things are handed to you - we have no control over many things, but everything is different. some things we can change, can do, can effect. if we couldn't contribute anything at all, effect anything, we wouldn't be here.

some days do catch you up in the mundane, day-to-day, don't really matter but you have to do them anyway things, but we still make choices.

and it's time to take responsibility for those choices.

it's time to branch out
to try something new
and if necessary,
to fall flat on my face

i hate failing so much
but sometimes
it IS necessary

and i hate that
but that doesn't make it
any less true.

so here's to failing forward
because sometimes



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